LeTteRbOOKs

OUR RECENT pizza order was delivered by a bloke in an Audi TT. Who knew there was that much profit to be made selling bread discs with tomato sauce and cheese on top for £20 a pop?

Mike Tatham, St. Andrews

INSPIRED byasignona bench in our local park saying “He spent many happy hours sitting here,” I asked the Beate Uhse sex shop in Hamburg if they’d put up a similar sign in my memory in wank booth number four when I died. But they told me to fuck off. In German. Leonard Wankbender, Edinburgh

DOES ANYONE else step over discarded facemasks like they were used rubber Johnnys? The times, they are a-changing.

Adam M, Glasgow

I THINK video games have given us unrealistic expectations about street-fighting. I’ve seen a few dust-ups as an adult, but none has involved fireballs, hurricane kicks or a green bloke with electric skin. Come on, computer boffins, how about a game where two hairless men in smart shirts and crap shoes shove each other before one does a headlock and they both fall over the kerb?

Gavin Forknife, Wednesbury IWAS as saddened as anyone to learn that Dame Vera Lynn had passed away. However the description of a 103-year-old woman as a ‘forces’ sweetheart’ sickened me to the core. Surely modern soldiers can fantasise about women their own age.

James Brown, Edinburgh

MY OFFICE has this running joke where they set the fire alarm off once a week and we all have to get up and go outside. Whilst this was funny the first few times, it is starting to wear thin now.

Christina Martin, Bexhill-on-Sea

IN The Builder’s Curse (Viz 297), the protagonist describes how she was offered services for the sum of £100.00. But the service provider proffered the suggestion that if she were to pay in cash, the VAT would be removed, leaving a sum of £80.00 payable. For this to be true VAT would have to be 25%. As everyone knows the current rate of this tax is 20%. The tradesman in question should have had to have offered the initial price of £96.00 in order to reduce it to £80.00 without the VAT. I found that this spoilt what was otherwise a very enjoyable story. Please do better in the future.

Mark Humphries, Crewe

WITH REFERENCE to Billy Wiffles’s letter about the spelling of Keir Starmer’s name (Letterbocks 297). The reason Mr Wiffles is confused is because he is using an incomplete version of the rhyme. The full version is: ‘i before e, except after c, where the sound is ee’. The ‘ee’ sound appears in words such as ‘bee’ and ‘flea’, neither of which, now that I think about it, have a ‘c’ in. Or an ‘i’ for that matter. I don’t get it. Seems like it’s one rule for Labour Party leaders with two confusing vowels in their name, and another rule for the rest of us.

Mungus Biro, Fenstanton

I THINK we all have to bear in mind that Dominic Cummings is a brilliant political strategist, and that he thinks about things at much deeper levels than the rest of us. So believing that he shat the bed and then called a press conference to describe why he can’t be blamed for it must be part of some wider scheme that simple folk like us could never understand.

Ben, Whitstable

WOULDN’T it be funny if the mountain the aliens landed on in Close Encounters was shaped like a big cock and balls? It would be even funnier seeing Richard Dreyfuss sculpting it out of mashed potato.

Ricky West, Brighton

CAN YOU please let me know how long it takes between sending you a letter and it getting it published? I sent a cracker in 1991 but I haven’t seen it in print yet. I only still buy your rude comic to check for it. Come to think of it, I bet it’s a ruse on your part to boost readership. You robbing bastards. Don’t bother printing this one, by the way, as I won’t be buying future copies. Hi mum.

Gary Crant, Hollywood

WHY DO nurses wear their watches upside down on their tits? I mean, why don’t they just wear a watch and stop pissing about?

Terry Farricker, Blackpool WE PROBABLY have a few years till the next global pandemic, so why don’t we use the time to come up with a catchier name for the next shitstorm, like Bastard Bug 22 or AgentX 24? Although my friend thinks we should go with something a bit lighter, like Pixy Piss 21 or Unicorn Jizz 23. Alternatively, the Department of Health could run a competition to name the killer virus, like they used to with the dogs on Blue Peter.

Terry Farricker, Blackpool

IS IT my turn to ask you to print that photo of that bloke kissing that bird’s arse? If so, could you please print it? If not, then please accept my sincerest apologies. Gerry Paton, London

* We do not print that picture for people on a rota system, Mr Paton. Most readers ask to see an amusing variation of the picture, or they write what seems a completely unconnected letter, only to ‘turn it round’ in the last sentence to ask that we print that picture of that bloke kissing that bird’s arse, like the writer of the following letter.

ASA Sunderland supporter, we seem doomed to another season of mediocrity in Division One. To cheer us up, is there any chance of a photo of that bloke kissing that bird’s arse in a red and white striped shirt?

J Meoff, email

FOLLOWING on from everyone’s household items having a great time, I’m afraid our house candle holder has not had a very good lockdown.

Phil, Warrington

NOW THAT our children are returning to their classrooms following a long period of home schooling, I hope the first lesson will be on how to draw a proper rainbow. Some of the efforts I have seen in the windows of houses in my area are, frankly, pretty poor.

T.O’Neill, Glasgow

THESE ‘clothes’ are an absolute con. It seems that after taking them off to go to bed, we’re supposed to put them back on again the following morning. You couldn’t make it up.

Col Percy Fawcett, Durham

MY NEW Year’s resolution next year will be to stop buying Viz Comic as I no longer find it funny. What an utter waste of money. January 1st 2021 cannot come soon enough for me.

Alan Knope, Portsmouth

AFTER years of being unable to retract my foreskin down as far as the maker’s nameplate, I tried snipping through my banjo string. Sadly this didn’t have the desired effect and I now have a deep seated penile infection. Perhaps I should have left it to the professionals.

Dave Headwards, Dorset * Every man to his trade, Dave.

WHY DOESN’T anybody shit themselves out of fear in the movies? If I was wandering through a haunted house in a Woman in Black situation and a deranged supernatural harpy jumped out at me, my knickers would be fuller than Santa’s sack on Christmas Eve. Come on film-makers, show some realism and cut out the heroic Hollywood bullshit.

Harriet Jumpjet, Scarborough

I’VE ONLY shit myself twice, but both times I was wearing the same pair of knickers. Coincidence?

Debi Fish, Doncaster

* Hmm. Something doesn’t ring true about that story, Ms Fish. Surely, when the first incident occurred, the knickers would have been swiftly discarded, not emptied and washed to wear again. So we’re going to open this to the readers for discussion. Do YOU think Debi Fish of Doncaster shat herself twice in the same knickers, or is she making the story up as a means of getting her name on the letters page? Write and tell us what you think, marking your letter or email “Debi Fish of Doncaster shitting herself twice in the same knickers.”

I HAVE noticed that jazz musicians often comment that the music they are playing is ‘too funky!’ In which case, perhaps they could try toning the funk down a little bit instead of just complaining about it.

John Godbolt, Bristol

I’M SURE Viz readers will be pleased to hear that I’ve reopened the world-famous Rupali restaurant right here in the hereafter. And as a special offer, any reader who dies in the next 14 days, visits the Rupali on the other side and orders a plate of ‘Curry Hell’ will receive a pilau rice or a plain naan absolutely free!

Abdul Latif, Lord Harpole, The Afterlife

EVERY time I go to see my dentist, he spends the entire appointment talking about my teeth, yet when I visit my optician, she never mentions my teeth at all, and just bangs on about my eyes. Maybe these so-called ‘experts’ could sit down and decide whether teeth or eyes are more important and stop wasting everybody else’s time and money.

John Moynes, Dublin

I’VE JUST noticed that the ampersand character ‘&’ sign looks like someone dragging their backside across the floor like a dog with worms. I’m not expecting a free pencil for this entry but thought it was worth a mention.

Ross Kennett, Rochester

* We think we’ve had that letter before, Mr Kennett, or that observation about ampersands has certainly been made quite recently somewhere. You’d think it was most likely in the Viz, really, rather than the Times Educational Supplement or the Washington Post.

IHAD to split from my apartment after being laid off due to Covid-19. I gave away all my possessions except for my box of Viz Comics. Do I get a pen or shite mug in return? That would be the tits.

Craig Moser, Calgary

* No problem, Craig. We’ll send you a cheap Viz pen worth 19p to make up for you losing your job, your home and all your possessions. Send us your new address when you get one, and we’ll pop it in the post.

I’M A huge fan of both Clint Eastwood and sticky toffee pudding. One was mayor of Carmel, California, whilst the other is made in Cartmel, Cumbria, but I always get the two places mixed up. Imagine my embarrassment when I flew all the way to Carmel in California and asked the mayor if I could buy a sticky toffee pudding from him. Honestly, the look on his face!

Neil Johnson, Durham

WHY DO they always build skyscrapers and tower blocks upwards? If they built them sideways they’d save a fortune on cranes and scaffolding. Architects? I’ve shat ’em. Mark Procter, Burnley

IF YOU shut your eyes, Sir Keir Starmer sounds exactly like celebrity chef Rick Stein. When I hear him on the news, I keep expecting him to tell us how to cook a delicious swordfish steak, or make a seafood paella. But all he keeps banging on about is benefits and Covid 19 and suchlike. Come on, Sir Keir, do us a favour and get your fish pan out during Prime Minister’s Question Time.

Reg Corvette, St Albans

IWAS mightily impressed to learn that Bruce Dickinson of Iron Maiden has a pilot’s licence and personally flies the band all over the world. With this in mind, the Happy Mondays could have utilised Bez a bit better in the early days. Instead of wasting money teaching him to play the maracas, a few flying lessons would have saved them a small fortune over the years.

Tecwin Porthole, Derby

ON YOUR Big Vern strips, could you please write the word ‘BLAM!’ a little smaller? Only my eye tends to catch it when I’m halfway through the story and it spoils the surprise ending.

Micky Bullock, London

I ENTERED a roundabout and didn’t see a Nissan Micra, the colour of which I can only describe as ‘tarmac grey’. I fully accept that it would have been my fault had I collided with it, but come on, Nissan, give us a fucking chance.

Claude Golightly, Wells

WITH SUMMER holidays abroad now back on, I’ve come up with an idea for a ‘trikini’ – a bikini with matching face mask – and I wondered if any swimwear manufacturers might be interested? It may need a slight design change, as the mask currently looks a bit too similar to the thong, which could lead to some unpleasant mix-ups. Give me a call, Speedo. Or that little gobby twat off Dragons’ Den.

Douglas Fur, London

I REALLY miss the letters that end, ‘once again showing that there is one rule for .... , and another rule for ……’ I would write one, but I’m too hungover. Can any of your more sober readers help?

Bing, Shrewsbury

I HAVE noticed that the worse a Jason Statham film is, the better it is to watch. This seems to defy the physical laws of the universe. As usual, Professor Brian Cox has remained silent on the matter. What do they actually pay him for?

I.T. Consultant, Orkney

I RECENTLY got a bollocking off my GP’s surgery for missing appointments. Apparently it costs them sixty quid every time I do it. Surely then, if I tip them off early that I am going to be ducking the appointment, they save the money and we should split it thirty quid each.

Bartram Beaujangles, Yotnes

IF, AS looks likely, Leeds United make it back into the Premier League after a 16-year absence, they’re going to need level-headed men of talent and experience to help them maintain their top flight status. Off the top of my head I can’t think of anyone suitable. Do your readers have any suggestions?

Tobamory Octagon, Wells