Cobra Corner
ANIMAL experts tell us that snakes are more scared of humans than we are of them. What nonsense. When I encountered a king cobra while on holiday in India, I shat myself but the snake didn’t.
Martin Harwood, Bradford
ONA trek through the mountains of Brazil, I encountered both the highly venomous Coral Cobra (Micrurus decoratus) and its perfectly harmless look-a-like, the False Coral Cobra (Erythrolamprus aesculapii). You can tell them apart as one has an extra band of white in its markings, although I can’t recall if that’s the killer or the imposter. Luckily, there’s a rhyme to help people remember which is which. It goes…
Duas cobras, uma venenosa, uma não,
Mas qual é qual e qual não é,
O mortal tem duas faixas brancas,
O impostor três, tão seguro de manusear
Unfortunately it’s in Portuguese and I don’t understand a word. Sorry, I can’t be of more help.
Ross, Paw
EVERY time I prepare my cat’s lunch or dinner, I always think stuff like “Hmmm! I wonder what he’ll make of this beef and cheese combination?” Then I remember that he licks his own bumhole and probably doesn’t understand or appreciate the concept of different food combinations the same way we humans do.
Sam, London
BY DRESSING up like ghosts in their scary white suits, beekeepers are asking to be attacked by their poisonous little insect pets. The bees must be terrified. Surely it would calm them down, and probably win their respect, if their keeper was to dress up like a giant but friendly bee in a suit of yellow and black furry stripes, with a pair of deely boppers, and some makeshift wings improvised from two old pillow cases. It’s not rocket science.
Phil Kitching, Isle of Jura
POSTIES are lazy fuckers aren’t they? Temporarily stopping deliveries on Saturdays based on some cock-and-bull story about a pandemic. What do posties actually do for their money? I only receive one or two items of post a day, so come on, it’s not exactly a tough job is it?
Phil, Bedford
I’VE JUST seen the Duchess of Cambridge, Kate Middleton interviewed on TV, and I noticed she says “Oh gosh” where I’d say “Fuck me,” and she says “My goodness!” where I’d say “Fuck off!” Exactly the same message communicated in both circumstances, and I can only conclude that in her own way she’s got a mouth like a fucking docker.
Lee Kern, email
IN 2003, US Marines used a 50 ton M-88 military tow truck to topple the statue of Saddam Hussein in Baghdad. The other week in Bristol, the statue of Edward Colston came down with a few tugs on a rope by protesters. This statue was clearly a hazard to heath and safety whenever a half decent wind was blowing. The Colston statue has now been made safe by lobbing it in the Avon, and the protesters should be thanked by the local council.
Michael Bach, Blackpool
❒ I DREAMED that I went to a record signing event with Debbie Harry of Blondie. When I got there, I was told that she was in a cupboard and you had to push your records under the door for her to sign. I pointed out that as I hadn’t seen her go into the cupboard, it could be anyone in there. I took a picture of the cupboard on my phone but as it was a dream, it hasn’t come out. What an abominable way to treat your fans. Hugh Grainger, Bromley
* That really is an appalling way to behave on Ms Harry’s part. Have any other readers been treated as badly by a pop star at a signing event in a dream? Perhaps you dreamt you met the Rolling Stones in HMV, but they made you put a bag over your head so you couldn’t see them. Or perhaps Fatboy Slim was eating fish and chips out of newspaper at a signing and got greasy fingerprints all over your 12inch record cover. Or maybe Led Zep guitar ace Jimmy Page refused to sign his autobiography and stamped it instead with an inked rubber stamp. No, hold on, that last one actually happened.
❒ I’D LIKE the so-called scientists to explain what the point of toads is when we already have frogs. But I won’t hold my breath.
Dave Mclean, Newport
* It’s a very good question, Dave, and perhaps a Viz reader with herpetological knowledge could enlighten us. Or perhaps this is a question for Viz-reading philosophers or religious leaders. If you fall into any of these categories and fancy having a bash at answering this question, write in tell us what the point of toads is when there are frogs. There’s a free Viz pen for each correct answer.
❒ DOGGING these days isn’t what it used to be. Last weekend I was standing, cock in hand, peering in at a couple parked up in their car who were just sat eating sandwiches. What’s the world coming to?
Gaz Thomas, Redhill
❒ DOES ANYONE know what BBQ stands for? I know the first letter stands for barbecue, and the second B probably stands for burgers or something. But what the Q stands for is anyone’s guess. I for one am totally perplexed.
Glenn, Halifax