Still rocking after all these years

“EVERYBODY’S gotta be somewhere,” said Spike Milligan’s Eccles character on The Goon Show way back in the golden age of wireless.

It was a quote later appropriated by Kelly Jones on his band Stereophonics’ 97 song Traffic.

And, in the case of that mega-selling Valleys trio back in the day, that somewhere would generally be a dimly-lit stage in some stickycarpeted pub back-room, playing to a handful of largely uninterested punters.

I know because I was witness to much of it, having been the band’s port in a storm whenever they travelled up from South Wales to play a gig in the Big Smoke, which is where I spent most of the ’90s.

Mi casa was their casa and they’d frequently crash on my floor and eat their way through the massive cache of Fray Bentos tins I’d stored in my kitchen cupboards like a horde of leather-jacketed locusts.

But – getting back to my original point – every band, no matter how successful, has been in that same spot at the start of their career.

The cronky old van, the borrowed equipment, the post-gig argument with the promoter over beer money – all rites of passage for struggling artists the world over.

Which is all well and good, provided those hard-paid dues eventually result in some form of commercial success, even if it’s still a world away from the level at which groups like the ’Phonics now find themselves.

But it’s a sad showbiz fact of life that countless numbers of aspiring rockers never make it beyond that first hurdle, forever doomed to have the gents’ loos at the Nag’s Head in Chippenham as their dressing room, a single packet of Scampi Fries as their entire rider and a fan club which barely stretches beyond immediate family and friends.

For some, however, that’s perfectly OK.

These are the people who live to perform, whether there are 20 or 2,000 in the audience, and that buzz of turning up, plugging in and rocking out will never ever fade.

And The UK’s Best Part-Time Band, which debuted on BBC Four last week, set about celebrating that denim-clad Dunkirk spirit.

Fronted by curmudgeonly comic Rhod Gilbert and ex-Ultravox frontman Midge Ure, it provided a much deserved pat on the back to all those who, after working regular day jobs, spend their evenings shedding blood, sweat and tears in the thankless duty of entertaining the general public.

A pat on the back was pretty much all there was in the offing though.

“There are no prizes, no Christmas number one and no recording contract,” announced Gilbert at the start. “In fact, there’s s**t all.” But, in the case of Pontypool geriatrics Pieces of Mind, I doubt that mattered – they were just happy to be there.

Indeed, with “a combined age of 850” they were, to paraphrase Keith Richards, “just happy to be anywhere”.

Following an energetic set – after which they breezily informed a clearly gobsmacked Gilbert that one of their members had died only the week before – they admitted to not having rehearsed much since re-forming in 2013.

“I’m glad it was you who said that,” chided Ure to uproarious laughter from the group.

“Are you looking for a kick in the b*****ks, Midge?” asked PoM’s singer.

“Maybe. How do you think I can still reach the high notes on Vienna?” Midge shot back. Great fun. We’re with the band: Rhod and Midge TOP GEAR returned to much fuss last week. Personally, the idea of watching an hour of Chris Evans trying to “out-obnoxious” Jeremy Clarkson is about as appealing as bombing down the M4 while sharing the Stig’s crash helmet with an angry wasp.