‘I WOULDN’T WANT ANYBODY TO GO THROUGH WHAT I’M GOING THROUGH’
One man’s story about how he came back from the brink
H AVING served his country in the armed forces from the age of 19, it was only decades later that Chris Headon realised he was suffering from the debilitating condition known as PTSD.
Post-traumatic stress disorder is characterised as an anxiety disorder caused by extremely stressful, frightening or distressing events which causes the sufferer to relive traumatic nightmares and flashbacks.
Those with the condition may experience feelings of isolation, irritability and guilt as well as problems with sleeping and finding concentrating difficult.
PTSD can affect people in all walks of life who have experienced trauma from incidents such as road accidents, violent or sexual assaults, witnessing violent death, terrorist attacks or natural disasters.
But the number of forces veterans with PTSD are consistently above that of civilians, with charity Combat Stress receiving more than 10,000 referrals in the past five years.
One of these veterans was Chris, 45, from Bridgend. He joined the Army at the age of 19 with the Royal Corps of Transport, which later became the Royal Logistics Corps.
In 1994, between April and October, the whole squadron was deployed to Northern Ireland before the end of the Troubles.
Describing the situation, Chris said: “I know how much it’s affected me, but it was the best six months of my life. People think when you’re going to war how can that be a good experience – but I was living on my adrenaline and never knowing when you went out that gate whether you were coming back. It was as serious and as blunt as that.
“No two days would be the same and you’d always see something different. The first time I went out of the barracks you were on the Protestant side of the peace line and everyone loves you, but when you’re on the Catholic side, children are throwing shopping trollies and exhaust pipes and you’re thinking ‘ Oh my giddy aunt’.”
Chris left the Army in 1995, got married, and became a truck driver, which required him to spend the majority of his time on his own.
He started feeling stressed a lot of the time, but put this down to planning his wedding, working away from home, and saving for the future.
He realised something was wrong and started taking medication for the next seven or eight years, but he was unable to put his finger on what causing the stress.
Chris said: “I wanted to be by myself all the time and I enjoyed my own company, but I became more stressed and worried about things and I wasn’t sleeping properly.
“I shut my eyes for seven or eight hours, but I wouldn’t sleep. When you’re dragging 40 tonnes behind you it’s not a nice experience and trying to explain why you had an hour break to your employers.
“My marriage broke down in 2006 and I went off the rails a little, started working longer hours, and I’d be away for weeks. I started isolating myself and I was on quite strong medication which seemed to calm me down. I was less stressed.”
Things came to a head in 2010 when Chris suffered a work-related accident, a compressed fracture in his lower spine which left him unable to work. This meant he was left in the house all day while his second wife was out at work, which caused him to ruminate on his accident and the experiences he went through in Northern Ireland.
Chris said: “It really bit me. I was having night sweats five to six days a week, nightmares and flashbacks. I didn’t want to get out of bed or want to go out of the house. I didn’t keep up my personal hygiene. I hit rock bottom. At the light at the end of the tunnel there was a train coming towards me and I couldn’t see an end to it. I was feeling suicidal.”
In 2013 Chris decided he needed professional help. He was referred to Combat Stress and he was diagnosed with PTSD in 2013.
He was aware of the condition, but was not aware of what it meant or that it had applied to how he was feeling.
Chris said: “I knew there was something wrong but I didn’t know what it was. I thought I was normal and eve- ryone else wasn’t. It’s really random. You’re hyper-vigilant and you’re scanning the streets watching where you’re going to avoid noisy and busy places. You think it is normal to think like that but you look at civvies and you realise that it isn’t normal.”
Chris began a six-week residential programme at Audley Court in Shropshire in 2014, where he came into contact with other veterans of all ages who had fought in Iraq, Afghanistan, the Gulf, and Northern Ireland among others.
They watched a video called You’re Not in the Forces Now, which explains to veterans how their combat experiences could be linked to conditions such as PTSD.
Chris said: “We were all from different conflicts, but we were all part of the same war machine. You’re going out there to fight and trying to survive. It’s the same thing.
“You’re a civvy until the age of 18 and when you join the Armed Forces they take the civvy chip out of you and replace it with a military chip in and that changes you for life.
“I describe PTSD as the boiling point of the liquid of your cup and the slightest thing will make you boil and you will suffer from the consequences. All these major things can happen and it won’t affect you, but a person not indicating in the car in front of me can set me off.
“I find going into town horrendous. I’m a bag of nerves coming in and going home. I wear sunglasses because it allows me to scan the street and my surroundings and I never take the same route.
“I can’t go into a bakery because the smell of marzipan reminds me of Semtex. It takes me back to ’94 and that’s the same for music, television programmes, and the Rhondda Valleys – because its terraced housing reminds me of Belfast.”
Through Combat Stress Chris learnt meditation and grounding techniques and underwent Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing (EMDR).
He said these techniques can provide respite on occasions but they do not always work for him.
After the break-up of his second marriage Chris found himself homeless and spend some time sleeping on the streets or sleeping on sofas, but he eventually found accommodation in Pontypridd with Wales Home for Veterans.
In 2016 Chris started to volunteer the Royal British Legion in Cardiff and continues to volunteer on a regular basis.
He said: “I like helping and if I can help at least one person a day I’m happy. I wanted to help fellow veterans, my own brothers and sisters.
“I find it really helpful because, even though you don’t know other veterans at first, we’re all part of a family and whichever arm of the forces you served in we’ve all been through the same military machine. We have all been through the same thing and we all connect with each other. It does help because you can have a laugh and a joke with each other and a bit of banter and it works for me.”
When asked what his advice would be to anyone who thinks they are suffering with PTSD, Chris said it was up to the individual to say when they were ready for help.
He added: “You have got to be ready and you have to be honest with yourself. We don’t like asking for help, but for my own sanity I knew if I didn’t ask for help when I did there’s a 99% chance I wouldn’t be here now. Just seek help. I wouldn’t want anybody to go through what I am going through and there’s thousands of ex-forces out there who are going through it.”
Contact the Royal British Legion’s helpline number on 0808 802 8080 or www.britishlegion.org. uk if you need help or more information.