UNDERSTAND DEPRESSION
More and more people are talking about their depression. What was once a stigma has now become far more common. Whether it’s celebrities opening up about their own problems or a partner or family member, people feel more comfortable talking about their experiences. But for the people listening, it can be hard to know what to say when a loved one has depression. It can be frustrating, and often people say the wrong thing despite trying to help. Everybody with depression is different, and there are no simple ‘tricks’ to make things better. But here is some general advice from experts and people who have depression...
DON’T PRESSURE THEM It can be especially frustrating if a loved one or friend with depression doesn’t seem to want to find help.
Aaron Corria, from Cardiff Bay, almost took his own life, and encourages others to talk more about their mental health problems.
Aaron, 31, said: “I think the main thing to say is that you are constantly there for support.
“It’s not about probing or constantly asking if they are OK, which can make it worse.
“It’s about them knowing you are there for them.” DO SOMETHING TOGETHER For many people with depression, it can be easy to lock yourself away from the outside world.
But, with the right support, doing something together with your loved one can help.
Dr Michelle Huws-Thomas said: “Often a shared experience such as doing an activity together can distract someone who is locked in ruminative depressed thinking. The activity also increases behavioural activation [a method where people make subtle lifestyle changes] which can lift mood.”
Aaron Corria added: “I would encourage them to get outdoors. It doesn’t need to be a big walk, don’t turn up with a load of hiking gear, but being out and about in the fresh air can help.” DON’T TELL THEM THEY HAVE NO REASON TO BE DEPRESSED Depression can come at any time. People perceived to be successful and with a happy life can be affected too, and it’s important not to offer a negative opinion.
Laura Moulding, 21, from Cardiff, has severe depression with psychotic symptoms.
Laura said: “Don’t say ‘You know, someone is having a harder time than you, think of them!’
“This is the worst thing to say to someone.
“I’m sorry they are having a hard time, but this doesn’t mean their difficulty is worse than mine.
“I’m not saying mine is worse than theirs, but we all experience these things differently.
“Take into account that everybody is different and everyone’s challenges are different too.”
Dr Huws-Thomas said people with depression often find it difficult to understand why they are depressed.
She said: “Saying this undermines them and could make them feel as if they aren’t good enough.
“Often people think it helpful to compare to others who have experienced depression.
“This is not helpful and instead the focus should be on the experience of the loved ones.” REALISE THERE ARE NO MAGIC WORDS It can be frustrating when a loved one is affected by mental health problems.
But Cardiff University lecturer in mental health nursing Dean Whybrow said it’s key to realise there is no one thing you can say to make it better.
Dean said: “When it affects somebody we care about it can be very upsetting, and it is hard to know what to do for the best.
“I don’t think that there is a right or wrong thing to say, no magic words. Everybody is different, so perhaps just be yourself.
“What might be helpful is to try to be available and accessible when needed. Perhaps acknowledge how tough things are feeling for your loved one and let them know that you are there for them.
“It can feel harder to seek help when struggling with our mental health, and this can be a barrier to recovery.” JUST LISTEN AND DON’T TRY TO DIAGNOSE Whenever someone describes an ailment or symptom, it’s always tempting to try and help and diagnose them yourself.
But with mental health, sometimes it’s more important to just listen.
Director of the Mental Health Foundation Isabella Goldie said: “We can help friends or family members of people who have depression simply by listening.
“But it’s important to do this in the right way. Most of us aren’t experts, so be careful not to try and diagnose their feelings. Instead, listen carefully to what they are saying and let them talk.
“You don’t have to agree with what they might be telling you – but it is more important to show you understand how they feel and respect their feelings.”
Laura said: “Giving advice when we just want you to listen – yes, advice is nice, but most of the time it doesn’t solve much.
“What helps us is if there was someone who will just sit down and listen.
“Be there for us. We will generally ask for advice if we need it.” REALISE IT’S NOT THEIR CHOICE Don’t tell them that their depression is selfish, said Dr HuwsThomas.
Michelle, a mental health academic for 14 years and a psychologist since 1991, said: “People don’t choose to become depressed and often feel guilt that they are negatively impacting their loved ones and the family lives.
“This statement reinforces their negative thinking.” DON’T FORGET TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF Helping someone with their mental health problems can also have a big impact on yourself.
Dr Huws-Thomas said: “Living with a loved one with depression can be extremely challenging emotionally.
“The impact of depression is not limited to the depressed individual; studies have documented the effects of living with a depressed person on spouse, partner, families and children.
“Partners often experience stress, the impact of burden, poor coping, self-blame, guilt and anxiety.
“It isn’t unusual for partners to experience depression themselves.”
Mind also said it’s also important to not take everything on.
The charity said: “If someone is struggling, you might feel like you should take care of everything for them.
“While it might be useful to offer to help them do things, like keep on top of the housework or cook healthy meals, it’s also important to encourage them to do things for themselves.” UNDERSTAND THEIR DEPRESSION IS REAL Aaron said: “The main thing through my experience is that people have said before that ‘it’ll just pass’ or that it’s ‘just a phase’.
“That’s probably the worst thing you can say.
“It makes them not want to talk about it and that it’s just nothing, when it’s actually a condition called depression.
“It just downplays it. If someone had a broken leg, you wouldn’t tell them to just walk it off.” LOOK FOR THE SIGNS If a loved one mentions suicide or tells you they are feeling suicidal or can’t go on, it’s important to encourage them to get help.
The Mental Health Foundation said: “You or they should contact a GP or NHS 111. They can also contact the Samaritans straight away
by calling 116 123 for free at any time.
“They could also get help from their friends, family or mental health services.
“You can ask how they are feeling and let them know that you are available to listen.” DON’T TELL THEM TO ‘PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER’ Someone with depression would help themselves get better if they were able.
So placing all of the burden on them will most likely make things worse.
Dr Huws-Thomas said: “The person experiencing depression would help themselves out of it if they could.
“This statement dismisses their struggle, pain and distress.
“It also puts the onus on the person who is already struggling every single day to find the light again.
“The person with depression often struggles minute to minute and will probably have trouble imagining getting through a day.”