BEING ASEXUAL ‘MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE AN ALIEN’
Stephen is one of minority of people in the UK who don’t experience sexual attraction like others
STEPHEN Broughton has never felt sexually attracted to anyone. He has very little interest in sex. The 32-year-old is one of the estimated one per cent of people in the UK who identify themselves as asexual.
“It is quite hard to describe what being asexual is, as for me it is entirely normal – but for other people is very unusual,” he continued.
“I am in the minority of people who don’t experience sexual attraction in the way other people do.
“In society, there is a wider expectation that we will have sex so it can be quite hard for an asexual person – it makes you feel like an alien in your own community.”
Mr Broughton, from Port Talbot, said sex is talked about everywhere and that, growing up, he would lie or stay quiet when in groups discussing their sexual experiences or who they found attractive.
As a child, he could tell he was different, but he didn’t have the words to describe it. The maths graduate said that, as a teenager, he was never interested in dating or having sex and thought that would come when he was older.
“But sex was something I was never interested in,” he continued.
“I didn’t come across a definition for asexual until I was 27 or 28. When I first read about it, I thought it described pretty well my thoughts and feelings.”
He said he still has the facility, and the biological urge, adding “what is going on with my bottom half is dif- ferent from my top half”.
“My bottom half is ready to go, but my brain is still working out what it wants – it doesn’t look at people and crave it in the same way.”
Mr Broughton has been in a relationship for 16 months, which has changed his views on sex “to some degree” as he always thought that, if he got into a relationship, he didn’t want sex to be a necessity.
When they first got together, it was “a bit of shock”, he continued, but they now have quite a strong relationship as they have been through quite a lot.
“I think Max [his partner] is very lovely, but I do not look at him and think about what I would like to do in bed with him,” he added.
“For us, our relationship is more about support.
“We spend a lot of time looking after each other, making sure the other person is happy.
“It is deeper than in a relationship where sex is the main driving force behind it.”
Mr Broughton said they have had sex, but that it took them six months to get to a stage where they felt ready to do so.
He added: “I was the one slowing us down. I was a virgin before and I wasn’t sure about it. It [having sex] made me nervous.
“The first time we had sex, it was scary and I was very self-aware.
“There is nothing stopping me from experiencing pleasure – it is about putting myself in the right frame of mind.
“I don’t want to say it is like a chore, because it is pleasurable.”
Mr Broughton, who is now a fulltime carer for his partner, said some asexual people find the idea of sex disgusting but that, for him, it is
more like a switch he has to flick in his brain.
When he was younger, he used to masturbate because, otherwise, he would get discomfort. Masturbating was a chore, he said.
A few years ago, he wasn’t interested in a relationship, not even for the companionship, as he has always been pretty independent.
“I moved away for work – I ended up doing a variety of jobs in different parts of the country,” Mr Broughton continued.
“It was liberating in a way as there was no gap to fill. I didn’t feel anything was missing.”
He said it is hard to know how many asexual people there are, as there isn’t enough research about it.
Some studies suggest around one per cent of the population are asexual, he continued.
His sexuality never really bothered him, Mr Broughton said, but some people find it hard.
He continued: “In society, there are a lot of people who deny the existence of asexuality.
“People think it is another label we do not need.
“Asexuality has always been around, but maybe then they didn’t have the language to describe it.”
He was around 29 when he first met another person who was asexual. He said they still seem quite rare but that, once you are in the community, you find they are quite well connected and all over the world.
Mr Broughton is one of the cofounders of the Movement for Asexuality Awareness, Protection, Learning and Equality (MAPLE), which aims to increase awareness of asexuality, as well as campaigning for legal equality and for education about asexuality in schools.