‘EMILY IS TALKED ABOUT DAILY AND INFLUENCES OUR LIVES’
LOSING a child is probably the hardest thing any parent can go through. Four years on from her daughter Emily Clark’s death Donna Dunn says life has, inevitably, changed forever. But the teenager is still talked about daily in the family.
Emily, from Llantarnam, Cwmbran, died in March 2016 aged 18 after twice beating a rare blood cancer.
During treatment at the University Hospital of Wales in Cardiff Emily encouraged thousands to sign up as bone marrow donors, helped raised money for cancer patients and gained friends and admirers around the globe through the popular blog, Remission Possible, written from her hospital bed.
All these things, and the fund raising the family have carried on in her memory, helped ease the grief to an extent, but over the years Donna said they have had to learn how to navigate changing waves of emotion to get to a place where “we are all doing well”.
At a time when many people are feeling traumatised thanks to the Covid-19 pandemic, lockdown isolation and separation from family and friends, Donna said one of the things that helps her cope is appreciating the small things in life.
With husband Andrew and other three children, Holly, 21, Evan, 16 and Libby, 10, Donna has also tweaked family traditions to ease painful memories.
Some days are so bad that just getting out of bed and getting dressed is an achievement, while on others Donna has successfully started a new career moving from being a youth worker to working with vulnerable adults in Newport.
One of the changes Donna also had to deal after Emily’s death was losing contact with her friends and her daughter’s friends. Some stayed away because they weren’t sure what to do or say. “We did not just lose
Emily in that instant, we lost contact with all her school friends and friends from hospital,” she adds.
“I have struggled socially since losing Emily. People find it uncomfortable to be around you.
“A lot of bereaved parents say the same. You tend to get missed out.
“You get out of the habit of socialising, so our socialising became the fundraising as Emily’s legacy.”
The first fundraiser was the ball Emily had begun planning just before she died.
“In the first weeks we wanted a legacy for Emily, a big celebration, the funeral was not the focus, we had the Legacy Ball which Emily had started planning just before she died. We had that planned before the funeral. That seemed nice and joyous, whereas the funeral was not happy.”
The ball, at Celtic Manor, attended by hundreds of well wishers and friends, raised money for teenage cancer patients and was planned by Emily for those who missed out on school proms and other rite of passage celebrations.
Donna also took up running, which proved a lifeline as well as helping fund raising for cancer patients and research which Emily had begun.
“When people are running they pour out their hearts. It’s gossip and off loading and I listened to them moaning about trivial things and that was OK.”
Donna threw herself into fundraisers from afternoon tea events to helping open a library with patient information at the new Maggie’s Centre in the grounds of Velindre Hospital last year.
Emily’s brother Evan ran in the Transplant Games in her memory, became the youngest runner in the Newport 10k and even auctioned his FA cup ticket for the Newport County v Manchester City match to help raise funds for the Maggie’s Centre at Velindre Hospital in Cardiff.
Libby marked what would have been Emily’s 21st birthday last year by raising money to donate bereavement books to all local primary schools and even Emily’s old school, Croesyceiliog Comprehensive sixth form, which shuts this year, raised money for an end of treatment bell in her memory for the Grange Hospital, opening in Cwmbran.
Although she runs less now Donna did the Cancer Research Relay for Life last year with 13 of Emily’s friends and former teachers in Pontypool Park and will be walking for 24 hours next year for Cancer Research.
Any events in future will be for the
Maggie’s Centre at Velindre and Donna plans to buy them 23 cookery books for cancer patients called “Life Kitchen” to mark what would have been Emily’s 23rd birthday next year, another milestone to face.
“Holly’s 21st birthday was very hard and Evan’s 16 birthday – Emily was 16 when she was diagnosed, but being reminded of things is not always sad. You have to remember happy times.”
One thing the family always still celebrates is Christmas, although with a difference.
“I am one of the few bereaved parents I know who still does Christmas. We still do it but we go away from home.
“We go to Tenby and we do the Boxing Day swim. Emily liked to swim, so we do it in her memory.”
Whatever the worst days throw at her, Donna always gets up and dressed, if nothing more.
She has this advice for others going through loss or grief: “You have to be kind to yourself. If on a bad day all you do is get up and get dressed that is an achievement.
“I have got up and got dressed every day since Emily died. I might not have done anything else but don’t underestimate the power of getting up and getting dressed and don’t think “I have only done that”.”
And everyone’s experience is different. “Grief comes in waves and you have to find out what works for you.
“What really works well for me now is that I work full time. People I work with are relying on me so I am focussed on them
“Emily is talked about daily and influences our lives and so many others.
“She is the reason I took a job in the caring profession.”