MUM TOOK OWN LIFE 32 YEARS AFTER BROTHER’S SUICIDE
Son calls for more support
A“LOVELY and wonderful” woman died after battling with her mental health 32 years after the same happened to her brother. Her grieving son said more support is needed for individuals contemplating taking their own lives, as well as their families.
Nicky Church, 35, from Malpas in Newport, said he and his family have been left shocked and heartbroken after his mum Carol Church, 54, went missing in the early hours of February 24 before being found dead on February 25. He said she struggled to get over the loss of her beloved brother Paul Humphries, who also was found dead in the local area when the pair were in their 20s.
However, over the past two years Nicky said Carol’s mental health had taken a turn for the worse. Although her close family tried their best to source help for her, Nicky said they were left confused about where to secure the support when Carol needed it the most. He hopes sharing his painful story will help raise awareness so other families don’t feel alone.
“I was about three years old when my mother’s brother sadly [died following] mental health illness. I was too young to know him personally, but I heard what happened growing up,” Nicky said. “Mum was very close to him growing up, and she never really got over it to be honest.
“She grew up with the stigma hanging over her, she couldn’t quite deal with it. Then sadly my mum passed away in exactly the same circumstances. It wasn’t all doom and gloom with mum, but she really started to struggle with her mental health in the last two-and-a-half years. Alcohol became a factor too.
“She was an absolutely lovely and wonderful person. She loved kids and loved her grandkids. She loved everyone else’s kids too. She was always giving sweets and chocolates to and looking out for the neighbour’s kids. She was always doing something for somebody else and always willing to help – she would give you her last penny. That was just the type of person she was.”
Nicky said he and his family do not blame anyone for what happened to Carol, but they were left frustrated that professional support was not as readily accessible as they had hoped. He said: “We were trying to get her help, but there was so little help out there for people suffering.
“There are great charities out there like Mind, who we are raising money for, but it’s difficult to get professional help. There’s a lot [out there] about talking to family and friends about your problem, but once you’ve talked you’re left wondering where to go from there.
“Me and my grandfather tried to ring the doctors who obviously weren’t able to talk to us due to patient confidentiality. We spoke to the police at length at times. They were good as gold but there wasn’t a lot they could do as she wasn’t a risk of harm to others. It’s frustrating when your mum is unwell and there’s not much out there for her. She was in a self-destructive mode so she might not have even accepted help.”
Nicky said he thinks families of those who are clearly struggling with suicide ideation should be able to access help on their behalf.
“I think when someone is struggling like that their partners or family members need to be listened to by professionals,” Nicky said. “I know there are protocols and rules, but for example, we couldn’t even get past a receptionist to speak to a doctor when we rang the GP up.
“I don’t know what the answer is to improve things for individuals struggling and their families, but someone has got to know. Someone has to have an idea for some sort of process you can go through to deal with things like this, especially when you have that initial concern. Our two main ports of call were the doctors and the police and they can only take it so far.”
Nicky said sometimes people don’t necessarily tell their close friends and family exactly how mentally unwell they are, such as in his mum’s case. He said this can make it even trickier for relatives to get the correct help.
He said: “In the two years leading up to her death, she never gave us any indication she would have taken her own life. We just knew she needed help. You are concerned about your relative, but you still don’t expect news like that.
“When you hear those words about your mum, you don’t want to believe it and you refuse to believe it sometimes. You have to come to terms with the fact you won’t see her again.”
So far, the impact on the family has been “devastating”. Nicky said all they can do is take each day as it comes.
He said: “The immediate impact was absolute shock. You hear these stories happening to other people, but you don’t think it’d happen to you. It was devastating for my grandparents, who have now obviously lost two children through mental health in exactly the same way.
“The pair of them are strong people and as a family we’re trying to pull ourselves through it. My two younger brothers, who are in their 20s, actually lived with mam, so the impact on them was very hard-hitting. Me and my partner Kelly only live a few doors up on the same street, so we are there to support them on a daily basis.
“My daughter – and my grandparents’ great-granddaughter – is helping us through the days. They idolise her, she’s 17 months old so she brings us all a lot of joy. The neighbours have also been absolutely brilliant. Even now they’re very focused on my brothers, asking if they need anything. It was nice when we came back home and they were all talking to us in the street telling us our mum was brilliant. We took comfort in what they had to say about her.”
To further help raise awareness, Nicky, his brothers and a few of their friends will be taking part in a five-day trek in Brecon during August for mental health charity Mind. Nicky is hoping to raise £1,500 for the charity.
Explaining what the walk will involve, Nicky said: “It’ll be myself, my brother and a small group of friends including one who is a hiker. He suggested we walk the Beacons Way in Brecon Beacons mountain park. It works out as being 99 miles. Only one of us has experience of hiking so it’s going to be a very demanding trek over the course of five days. It means we’ll be camping while doing it and walking for five days straight just to make it a bit more demanding.
“It’s a charity close to where I live and the family live. I picked them because mum’s problems were with her mental health and I don’t think she got the help she needed. I think by supporting a charity like mind, we might have a chance of helping others. I think it’s important to make people aware of the struggles to try and help others. I don’t want others going through what my mum went through in the last few years.”
For confidential support the Samaritans can be contacted for free around the clock 365 days a year on 116 123.