Victim of stalking recalls her harrowing experience as cases in Sussex see huge rise

Victim makes appeal for a shake-up of how stalking and harassment is handled after her abuser escaped conviction

By the time we ended our relationship I was not the same person. SALLY A victim of stalking and harassment

As figures reveal a startling rise in reports of stalking and harassment, a Sussex mother has described how being stalked by her ex-partner and father of her child left her ‘unable to recognise herself ’.

Sally (not her real name), who is in her early thirties, entered a relationship with her abuser when she was in her teens and he was a few years her senior.

The pair were together for more than a decade, buying a house and starting a family, until, Sally found out her partner had been having an affair. After already enduring years of physical and emotional abuse during the relationship, the break-up sparked a terrifying ordeal of stalking and harassment that is still not over.

“He just couldn’t accept that he didn’t have that control over me anymore,” Sally said.

Not only was she bound to her abuser by their son and mortgage, but also through their working lives.

He became extremely jealous, Sally said, bombarding her with texts whenever a man paid her any attention.

He would ask their child ‘what mummy had been up to’ or ‘who mummy had been seeing’, to the point her son even started to ask her questions himself.

His interrogations extended to her family members and others, asking whether there had been men in the house.

At one point he broke into her home, went through her things and sent her pictures of her own belongings.

After ten months of abuse, Sally finally decided ‘enough was enough’ when he printed off a CCTV picture of her with a male friend at work, confronting her publicly with more of the same questions.

Until then she had written off his behaviour as jealous and controlling, not wanting to involve the police for fear of affecting her son’s life or provoking her abuser more.

But as the stalking and abuse continued, she realised it had consumed her whole life.

After reporting her stalker to the police she was granted a non-molestation order, but he continued unabated, masking his harassment by pretending it was related to their child.

He also publicly painted Sally as the jealous ex, accusing her of many of the same things she was being subjected to.

It was ‘extremely claustrophobic’, she said, like she was being watched all the time. She began to feel unsafe at home, instead staying with friends or family.

“By the time we ended our relationship I was not the same person,” she added. “I used to be extroverted but I became shy, introverted, I didn’t want to be around people, developed trust issues. I didn’t know who I was anymore.”

Sally eventually got a restraining order and, last year, her abuser was charged with stalking.

The Crown Prosecution Service had to prove two examples of stalking for a conviction. But the court found him not guilty, exposing what Sally believes are huge flaws in the system.

Her court-appointed solicitor received a 500-page evidence dossier the day before the trial, she said, and much evidence which showed a pattern of stalking behaviour was disregarded.

“As a victim, having to justify myself to the police and relive it all was extremely traumatic,” she said. “Court is probably one of the most horrible things I have ever experienced. Knowing he’s there and knowing you are going to get questioned and his defence is basically going to call you a liar. That’s really hard.”

More needed to be done to educate police officers, magistrates and judges on how to spot the signs of stalking, she said.

Sally is now working to put the past behind her, with a new partner and hearings in the family courts to win custody of her son.

But the family courts brought up one more shocking surprise. It was revealed her ex-partner, who she had known intimately for over ten years, had dozens of previous charges and more than 15 convictions for crimes including assault and animal cruelty.

For her new relationship she found out if her partner had a violent past through Clare’s Law, which allows the public to ask police if their partner poses a risk to them.

Sally said Clare’s Law was vital for anyone entering a new relationship, and also implored victims of abuse to record any incidents as they happen to build up a log of evidence.

Victims of stalking typically endure around 100 incidents before they finally go to the police. Sally said that had to stop and urged anyone to report incidents as early as possible.

“I hate the fact I didn’t follow it through and I wish I’d reported it sooner,” she said. “But as a victim you have to accept what happened and forgive yourself. I’ve forgiven myself for decisions that I made.”

Reports of stalking and harassment have risen in Sussex by 48 per cent over the last 12 months – until 2012 it was not recognised as a specific crime.

With social restrictions in place, online stalking has increased by 75 per cent in that time. The police have vowed to do more to support victims of stalking and harassment. Their response and examples of support are discussed on the opposite page.