Lists of all the things I hated about myself...’
By the time I was 13 I had a creeping sense of hating myself which I couldn’t shake. The depression felt like a big black hole that I was slowly sinking into and I couldn’t see a way out of. I felt like the only person going through this, that I was the only person who felt this low and worthless.
I had convinced myself that life couldn’t and wouldn’t get any better and started thinking about suicide. I came so close to acting on my plans but the thought of my family and what my death would do to them always brought me back.
There wasn’t a turning point in my story, or an event which I can say helped me to start feeling better, other than a belief in myself that I was the only person who could get me out of the hole.
The depression had sapped me of any energy so I worked on getting out and getting fresh air. I started to try and eat more healthily and tried to take small amounts of exercise inside the house at first as I felt too ashamed of myself to exercise outside.
They were very small baby steps over a long period of time but they were working. I started to feel less isolated and further away from the darkness that had consumed me.
Knowing me now, you’d never guess how close I had come to taking my own life. I have a great life with loads of close friends and people who love me around me.
I feel very lucky that I haven’t had any further episodes of depression but I’m always aware of the feelings and make sure I look after myself and the positives in my life. I haven’t let my depression define me and that’s incredibly important to me.
When I was younger I don’t think it even crossed my mind that I could speak to Childline about my feelings – I thought it was for people who were being abused or had a specific problem like bullying.
My message to any young people who might be feeling depressed or have suicidal feelings is that you’re not alone and there are people like Childline you can speak to. You don’t have to wait until you’re at crisis point to contact them. Also, if you don’t feel like you can talk on the phone, you can speak to them online.
Also, life can get better – I have a great life now and, as a teenager, I could never see that would be possible.