Stage directions that make it so difficult to act your age
COLUMNIST
FAIR play to Jane Fonda for reminding us she’s not actually dead yet. Accepting a lifetime achievement award at Chicago International Film Festival, the 79-yearold actor was asked how she wants to be remembered. “I’m too young to answer that,” the star retorted.
For the rest of us, acting your age has never been more difficult because each milestone birthday brings so many stage directions. Those who provide the “rules”, however, should mind their own business.
As the old adage about thinking young goes: “growing old is compulsory; growing up is optional.”
While there are obvious no-go areas for those of us of a certain vintage – including Tinder; skateboarding and the positively infantile practice of counting down to a special event by ticking off “sleeps” – plenty of other normal human activities should not be forbidden for Generation X-ers and Boomers.
But try telling that to a Millennial who thinks you’re Methuselah because you’re not impressed with their dog-face Snapchat lens, complete with Joe Pasquale-style audio quote. (Loved the Game of Thrones White Walker filter though).
Those who think they’re hip, love dispensing advice to those they think are more hip-replacement. Over the weekend, The Times newspaper implored readers to “Take the Age Limit Test” by providing a guide to “what not to do, say and wear over 40.” It spawned a light-hearted debate on Radio Wales yesterday in which I expressed my exasperation with the creeping ageism that exists beneath the humour of such judgmental counsel.
For example, the guide suggested the age limit for going to festivals is 50, while no-one over 40 should be in a band. Apply those rules and the next Glastonbury might as well be cancelled now.
Apparently we mid-lifers should just opt for a tea dance at the local town hall - as the report the guide was pegged to makes clear. Research by the fount of statistical knowledge that is Curry’s PC World revealed that 37 is regarded as the age at which it becomes unacceptable to go clubbing.
Yet having been to the re-launch of Cardiff’s legendary Philharmonic night spot last Friday I can appreciate where they’re coming from on that particular front.
The launch party was full of the generation who had enjoyed many a youthful frolic in the Philly’s Lloyd’s nightclub. But as they gazed mistyeyed at the site of this former basement of boogie there was a certain relief from those more likely to pull a muscle than some shapes that Lloyd’s was now a sophisticated bar.
Not that they had one foot in the grave rather than the rave, of course. Hedonism is alive and well in Cardiff After Dark for the post-40 party animals. We just prefer to wear a coat out.
Suitable attire through the various stages of life is always a hot topic in guides to acting your age. Yet while we know our crop-tops and hot pants should never resurface after the Clearasil Years we don’t want to be propelled towards Per Una and The Classic Collection in Marks simply for the sartorial crime of passing 40. Mid-life lambs can be dressed as mutton too, you know.
But according to The Times, 40 is the age limit for wearing shorts and showing your cleavage while long hair is forbidden for women once they hit 50. “Patti Smith is, like J Mascis, an honourable exception,” muses the guide’s 43-year-old author Sam Leith, adding: “But you will tend to look a bit witchy if you have shoulder-length hair or longer when you’re in your sixth decade. Ain’t patriarchy a bitch?”
“Witchy” is always the adjective applied to older women who dare to keep their tresses long but I can’t imagine lustrous-locked 51-year-old Cindy Crawford auditioning for a crone cameo in Macbeth any time soon. Plenty of women in their 50s have great long hair so let them swish it with pride. Balding middleaged chaps with compensatory pony-tails, meanwhile, is another matter entirely.
As for the shorts and cleavage rule, are we really supposed to just cover our legs and chests and wait for death past a certain age? Shorts are a practical warm weather garment with no age limit. No-one told Windsor Davies he was too old for them in it Ain’t Half Hot Mum.
And while not recommending the flaunting of crepey crevices, I have friends over 50 with fabulously milky décolletages. Why should they be forced to burkha their boobs?
The Age Limit Test also suggests men shouldn’t wear a baseball cap beyond 36. While there is a danger of channelling your inner Kentucky red-neck Trump supporter through the following decades by wearing this titfer, older chaps who accept climate change know they need sun protection too.
Women are used to being given ageist fashion advice but now it would seem men are also fair game. Not that it will necessarily impact on their self-esteem. One of the more amusing and rather refreshing stories to emerge over the weekend was research that showed three quarters of men over 65 feel confident about their bodies and faces, comparing to just over half of those aged 16-24.
Those happier in their slightly more wrinkly skin could still do with the odd style tip. I’m doing this in the interests of gender balance, by the way, given that women are constantly bombarded with age-related no-nos.
Gentlemen, by all means rage, rage against the dying of the light but also rage against the dyeing of the locks. Silver Fox is a much better look than that deathly shade of Paul McCartney purple.
Moving to facial hair, beards are big with younger males at the moment but what looks like Shoreditch Hipster on them just looks like Sheffield Geography Teacher on you. My Facebook feed is full of newly hirsute guys I went to school with looking more terrifyingly ancient than an Old Testament prophet.
And replica sports strips do sadly only really suit those with a six pack rather than a party pack.
But hey, let’s not get too judgmental on such matters. Or maybe we should respond to ageist guides by returning the favour. Let the backlash begin. Listen up Millennials – here’s “what not to do, say and wear under 40”.
Both sexes - start by removing the word “like” from ever sentence you utter, unless it serves a legitimate grammatical purpose, which is, well, unlikely.
Girls – those micro-bladed power brows you think make you like Cara Delevingne? They look like a couple of slugs. As for contouring, think Lily Collins rather than Lily Savage (Google if confused) and Cuprinol Teak is never a good shade of fake tan. Plus a Belfie will only ever come back to bite you on the backside.
Boys – You may consider doing wheelies on Gabalfa flyover is hilarious but if you don’t know how to ride a bike properly get off the road. Ditto pushing your scooters through Tesco Express. No-one over eight should consider them a mode of transport.
I could go on but I need to go and break the news to my 85-year-old Dad that he should have given up his baseball cap 50 years ago...