PARENT’S COLUMN
WITH the new university term well under way and freshers tentatively (or not so tentatively in some cases) acquainting themselves with life away from home I have been lurking in the shadowy corners of a few social media groups observing how the parents are feeling.
The picture is quite clear. If the kids are doing well and are happy the parents are just about managing to hold it together, however hard they are finding it.
If the student is suffering from home sickness and is begging to come back home, parents are in absolute turmoil. It must be so hard to have an unhappy child who is miles away from you and I think we should all remember that this is not an uncommon experience.
Parenting at a distance is stressful whatever the age of your offspring. I have gathered together some strategies that may help. They will not work for everyone but there may something that is helpful.
It can help to try to identify the cause of the problem. Is it the accommodation, the course, flatmates or simply being away from home? The first three can, in theory, all be changed but the first week is very early to instigate those changes. The latter is something that can be managed.
It may also be helpful to set a cut-off point so that the misery is not open-ended. The general consensus of opinion is that you need at least three weeks to get a feel for what life at university is actually like and to give yourself a chance to adjust to the shock of leaving home.
Leaving any time in the first term is considered a bit rash. The early weeks can be very painful. It may be even worse if they see the whole year stretching out ahead of them. It is often best to take it one day at a time at this stage and make a promise to review the situation in a few weeks.
Enlisting some help from the locals is also advocated. Are there any friends or family who live nearby? It may help if they pop in and say hello. There may be other students at the same university who are from the same home town. Seeing some familiar faces can make the “strangeness” of the new environment subside a little.
It is also important to contact student support services. They can offer advice and support and may have student mentors who can help.
Parents can set a date to visit. This gives the student a fixed point to work towards. Offer to have a serious discussion during that visit about moving them back home. This can remove the sense of permanence and makes them feel more in control. Advise them to tell themselves that they’ll just give it until the end of the month and then leave. Then re-assess and give it another week. This often tides them over the bad patch.
Talking about days and weeks before you visit or they come home is less daunting than months.
Freshers’ week can be the problem not the solution. It is great for some students but not for others and not everyone enjoys it. The important point is that it is not a true reflection of life at university.
Freshers week is really not the time to decide that you want to leave. It can make homesickness worse because everyone ‘appears’ to be having a great time and is a little artificial.
Frequent parental visits may, or may not, be a good thing. Some students benefit from frequent trips home whilst others find it disruptive. The “cold turkey” approach of staying away for six weeks does not work for everyone. You will need to decide what is best for you and your young person.
There may be practical and financial constraints if the university is far away.
The most important thing is to reassure them that this is normal. From what I have read online this week, these feelings are extremely common. Reassure them that there are thousands of students all over the country who feel just like them.
Reassure them that for many students the feelings are transient. This too shall pass.