Being a parent doesn’t mean you’ll ever be part of the gang
I’M PLANNING a visit to the daughter at university and wondering how near to her shared house I should find somewhere to stay the night.
A friend has suggested I could save money “and it might be fun” if I sleep on her floor.
I’m a bit past the stage of finding it fun to lay my head on the floor of student accommodation, and hope my daughter would be equally horrified by the idea of me entering her domain for the night.
Dropping her and her many bags and boxes at the start of term and having a swift cup of tea to satisfy myself that she isn’t living in a ratinfested hovel with maniacs is one thing, staying the night is quite another.
No parent should intrude in their offspring’s student house-share for more than an hour at most – and even that is pushing it.
Students tend to get a bit jumpy if an adult is around. And if you pretend to be one of the gang they get even more alarmed, so it’s no good imagining you can offer them a beer and share a laugh. They’ll take the beer but wish you’d go away.
No mother, or father for that matter, should ever imagine they are, or try to be, their child’s friend – even when that child grows up.
Friends have a very different role to play and very different duties to parents.
Friends shouldn’t be going through one another’s finances with a fine tooth-comb or badgering one another to do their work/get a job/ brush their teeth or eat properly.
Equally, parents should not be getting hammered with their kids, splitting the bill 50/50, sharing clothes or intimate, personal details.
A bit of detail is fine, but who really wants to know what their mum got up to on holiday in Greece 30 years ago, and what sane parent wants to know what their little darling did during Freshers’ Week?
Sharing clothes is also a definite no-no. If your son or daughter pinches items of your now vintage attire it is a sure sign you are too old to wear it and should hand it over at once.
If you’re tempted to borrow that little black dress, or those designer jeans, that look so good on a 20-something, you are either delusional or have had successful cosmetic surgery.
None of this means you can’t have fun with the next generation, just that you have to keep some distance so you don’t swamp them.
They are, after all, re-inventing themselves, and who can do that when the old guard is hovering?
How can anyone blossom if the person who washed their baby-gros is in the vicinity 24/7?
Without their parents around young people can be who they want to be without fretting about someone suddenly exposing their penchant for sausages dipped in Nutella or S Club 7 music.
Equally, parents can be who they want to be without being labelled the olds in the company of the young night and day.
It’s great to see each other, and brilliant to spend time together, but extending that to staying the night in a student den is stretching it.
While the conversation might flow over dinner out, a shopping trip or a walk along the beach, it’s sure to stall after more than an hour or so in the company of a gang just getting to grips with living on their own for the first time.
Young people want to make their own mistakes, even if it is horribly tempting to share your tips for avoiding the scrapes you yourself got into.
So, when I go to my daughter’s house, it won’t be for the night, and when I find myself, as I inevitably will, itching to give her advice, I will try to dig my fingers into my palms and count to 10.
Few parents can resist the temptation to be know-it-alls, and it’s easy to convince yourself you are offering advice in the best interests of others when, in fact, you are reinforcing the suspicion that you are a smug bore who drones on about how much better you do things.
If you want to be your growing-up child’s friend, the best thing to do is to keep a little distance, but let them know you are always there and they can discuss anything they want with you – they won’t, they’ll tell someone else, but that’s probably best.
We are led to believe we should share everything, especially on social media, but who wants their mum “liking” their picture in public? It looks a little bit like parent stalking.
Sometimes a little reservation is an underrated virtue. Too much information can destroy the best relationships, after all.