Dad’s letter tells of postbirth mental health battle
ADAD who suffered with postnatal depression has penned a heartbreaking letter to his baby daughter explaining why he “hated” her for the first 12 weeks of her life.
Ross Hunt, who became a dad to Isabelle 11 months ago, said he felt “nothing” when she was born and quickly began to resent her for “ruining” his life.
Despite immersing himself in the father role by changing Isabelle’s nappies, dressing her and even doing baby massage, Ross said his mental illhealth got the better of him.
But now, as Isabelle is about to turn one, Ross, from Abercarn, has decided to write a moving letter to Isabelle’s “future self” about his experiences of postnatal depression.
Addressing his daughter, Ross’ letter says: “This might not sound very nice, but for the first 12 or so weeks after you was born I didn’t like you very much.
“Some of the following things are going to be hard to read, but it’s very important that I’m honest with you, even if that honesty is difficult to hear.
“But there were times when I hated you. I regretted having you, and thought that my life had been ruined by you being born. I know that’s hard to read, but trust me, it’s incredibly hard to write too.
“I’ll be honest and tell you that the baby stage of your life is one that at times I’ve found very hard. I still occasionally struggle these days, and I’m by no means a perfect dad.
“I wish all of this came easy to me, but for whatever doesn’t.”
He said: “But you have to know this: those feelings are never me. You see, there’s something inside Daddy called depression. It’s been there a long time, and is probably always going to be there in some form.
“But I never thought it would try to tell me that I didn’t like you. You see, depression can cause a person to think horrible things without their control, and make a person feel unhappy, angry, or even worse, make a person feel nothing at all. And that’s what it often did to me.”
Ross, who says he is now in a far better place and is beginning to enjoy being a dad, added that he didn’t want Isabelle to feel any blame for his depression.
He said: “You were an amazing baby, but it didn’t matter. My depression didn’t care how good or bad you were. It was just telling me not to love you and to get away.
“But luckily, I didn’t listen. My life could be very different now if I did. But deep down, underneath all the dislike, fear and depression, lay a love that I knew was there, but one I just struggled to see.
“That love, along with the support from Mummy (Mam, Mum, Mammy, there are too many versions) kept me going.” reason, it just