Harsh reality
Looking after an unwell family member over a longer period of time can be taxing and emotionally draining. Here, Mark Smith speaks to three women who have unveiled the harsh and painful reality of caring for someone you love
THERE are an estimated 50,000 people in Wales caring for someone with a mental illness. More often than not, the responsibility falls on friends and family members, who sacrifice their own careers and social lives to ensure their loved ones are looked after.
We have spoken to three women who have unveiled the painful reality of living as a carer to an unwell relative.
■ Gloria Giles
Ever since her son Lee was born 49 years ago, Gloria has dedicated her life to caring for him.
As well as suffering from Tourette’s syndrome – a condition which causes him to make involuntary sounds – Lee also has schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, which prevent him from living independently.
Gloria, who sees her son every day without fail, describes being a carer as like a “merry-go-round you’re never able to get off”.
“When my son was a little boy, he was always really agitated and hyperactive,” she said.
“I don’t think [doctors] really knew what mental health was back then. They just diagnosed him as being a very naughty boy.
“Of course, he had something we now know as Tourette’s. In those days he was told to stand in the corner of the room and make his noises for half an hour every day.
“They thought, in time, he would get fed up of doing them – but it only made the situation worse.
“I couldn’t physically make him do it as I knew in my mind it was wrong. Today, they’d put him on drugs like ritalin and try different approaches.”
Gloria, who overcame pancreatic cancer eight years ago, also cares for her husband John, who recently suffered a heart attack.
She has also spent time caring for her mum, dad, grandmother and mother-in-law, who lived with her for 10 years.
“I cry a lot on my own, and then I tell myself to buck up,” said the mumof-two, from Barry.
“I always think I could manage if there was someone to help my son with shopping or if once a week someone could come down and just take him for a game of pool or darts.
“John and I are not the right company for him. When we go on holiday, it’s very unusual not to take him with us as I couldn’t leave him alone for that long. He wouldn’t survive.
“If the Lord God ever asked me to come back this way again, I’d say ‘no thank you’.”
■ Pauline Inch
Grandmother and mum-of-three Pauline Inch, who lives in Barry, said a carer’s life is “extremely lonely” and often “overlooked, without recognition or thanks”.
She has not only looked after her youngest son, who was diagnosed with two types of cancer at the age of five, but also been an unpaid carer to her mum, dad and sister.
“You lose all of your friends and you lose yourself,” she admitted.
“I started working as a childcare officer for special needs children. It was a job that I loved and it brought much reward.
“My youngest was diagnosed with having two types of cancer – nonHodgkin lymphoma and acute lymphoblastic leukaemia – and was given just two months to live.
“I left my job to care for him, and after three years he was able to get into remission. I was told his cancer would never be curable and he will never have children.
“Today he’s approaching 40 and despite the fact that my health is not good, I remain a constant source of support for him.
“He suffers with short-term memory loss and is reliant upon hormone replacement medication to sustain a quality of life.”
She said despite receiving little help from external sources such as the council, she was proud of the way she looked after her mother – who had leukaemia – towards the end of her life.
“She never had a bedsore and for the last two years of her life she went from bed to chair.
“I have also been an unpaid carer to my dad, who sadly passed away in 2007. He suffered with dementia, diabetes and prostate cancer. He came to live with me a year before he died.
“Lastly, I supported my sister for six years with terminal ovarian cancer, and sadly she died in 2013. “
She added: “If you were to ask me if I would do it all again, the answer would be no, the simple reason being that you can only do this once in a lifetime. To witness suffering, hopelessness and despair repeatedly in life not only breaks your heart but it breaks you as a person.
“I will never know what level of work I could have achieved. I wasn’t given the chance.
“So I say to you people that have achieved your goal in life, count your blessings because you have lived a life that you have planned and not a life that was forced upon you.”
Pauline is now experiencing her own major health battle after a plastic mesh – inserted into her after a botched gall bladder operation – became embedded in her bowel, abdomen and surrounding organs.
■ Martine Coles
Shortly after graduating from university, Martine Coles was called