Parenting in partnership
Expectant dads can understandably feel a tad useless during their partner’s pregnancy and in the first few weeks after the baby is born. But, as blogger and dad Ross Hunt points out, there are plenty of ways they can help out...
During the pregnancy, it’s very easy to feel a little bit redundant as a dad. The vast majority of the focus is inevitably going to fall on the mother and quite often you feel like you’re just an obtrusive bystander.
It’s understandable. But there are still things you can do to help yourself to feel more involved.
Every night when we would go to bed, I would read a chapter of a book to my wife and unborn child.
The idea was for her to get a little more used to my voice, and to give myself something to do to feel a little more connected to the process.
Eventually, after doing it for quite a while, she would hear my voice each night and start to kick before settling down once I finished.
It was almost as if she was excited that her dad was reading, and then peacefully fell asleep. songs they hear most often.
We would play a handful of select songs each day to the womb, not too loudly so as not to stress her out, and then also have them on her baby mobile.
That way, when she was born, we could help calm her by recreating the conditions of the womb via the songs she heard while being in there.
Did it work? I have no scientificbased evidence to say that it did, but I certainly felt like it.
And in those early days if something helps even a little bit to calm a screaming baby, you’ll try it. After the baby has been born is the moment a dad can suddenly feel like he’s being thrust into the spotlight.
One minute you have a pregnant partner, and the next minute – I know it doesn’t quite work that quickly – you have a sore, fatigued mother and a confused, demanding newborn.
This is when the helpless soon-to-be father becomes the pro-active dad. At least that’s what I thought.
But suddenly I found myself once again in a limited role. My wife chose to breastfeed, and at times I would find myself back in my role of being the bystander.
But you can still be pro-active even as a dad in the breastfeeding journey.
For a start, breastfeeding in the early days takes up an enormous amount of time. It’s also a little bit tricky for the mother to do all that much once they’ve started a feed.
That’s where you come in. You’ll quickly find yourself acting as the house butler.
Drinks, muslin cloths, the remote control, and even the odd snack will be needed to be delivered, and guess who has the freedom to do so? You.
You’ll also see yourself acting as the house chef, the cleaner, a masseuse, the concierge, a researcher, a motivator and even a poorly-trained lactation consultant.
There are plenty of roles that need filling, so don’t be afraid to fill them.
Other than those two things a man can be as “hands-on” as anyone else.
Nappy changes, bath time, play time, reading stories, cuddles for nap time, babywearing and everything in between.
One of my favourite things to do was to dress the baby in completely mismatched clothes any time we what you can do as a pro-active dad. Find what works best for you, maybe there are things you prefer to do that your partner doesn’t.
Work out what you can feasibly do once you’ve returned to work – if you are the one who has returned to work – and if in doubt just keep an open dialogue between yourself and reminder. There’s nothing wrong with that.
But being a pro-active dad doesn’t stop at the needs of the baby. You also have your partner.
Usually I would simply get out of bed early with the baby and leave my partner to catch up on some muchneeded sleep.
Since she was the one doing the nighttime feeds due to breastfeeding, I invariably had more sleep.
This not only gave me a chance to bond more with our baby, but also gave my wife a little bit of a break so she was more refreshed for the rest of the day.
These days times are shifting on the expectation of the role of a new dad. Gone are the days where you get a slap to the proverbial back if you’re involved as a father.
It’s almost just as expected that a dad is involved as the mother.
And that’s a great thing. You can even split the parental leave, something that is encouraging more men to become the actual main caregiver in the early days of a baby’s life.