Secrets revealed
Photojournalism student Beks Matthews, from Cardiff, asked people to open up about their secrets for a new project. Here, she explains how it came about and shares her subject’s revelations...
I was one of those intense student athletes that dedicated their life to athletics. Everything I did was about getting better, getting faster. So, when an older friend on the team offered me ‘enhancers’ I didn’t even hesitate to say yes, but after a few months I stopped caring what I was putting into my body and took anything that would make me feel unstoppable. It wrecked my physique as I pushed myself beyond what I was capable of, and now I’m stuck in the bleachers watching my son practice when I should be out there with him showing him how it’s done. Almost 20 years later and I still tell people I quit because of a leg injury.
THIS project – called What We Say in The Dark – was born out of a curiosity about why the human condition is quite so secretive. There were things in my life that I chose to either keep to myself or only share with a very select number of people, even though the positive benefits far outweighed the negative.
Which got me thinking: why is it that people will often go to such lengths to keep secrets, even when it drains them more than necessary?
As a result of the project, a lot of the people involved
have gone on to tell people around them the truth. After sharing their stories with me they realised they could lean on those around them to support them through their hard times.
Out of these stories, eight have gone on to share their secrets. I keep in touch with some of those involved and have been honoured to see them grow and find peace as a result of sharing their burdens.
No-one is immune from keeping secrets or lying. The things we only say to ourselves in the dark are universal. When I was 13, a boy from school came up to me and started flirting and saying how pretty I was. It had never happened before, and I didn’t know how to respond. But 20 minutes later I found out it was a dare to see if he could get through it without laughing. I was crushed. I decided it was because my body was too big, too misshapen and gross, so I started starving myself and within four months I was so underweight I would almost pass out going up the stairs. I ended up being hospitalised twice. It took me four years to beat anorexia and regain a semblance of self-worth. Funnily enough, that same boy asked me out a few weeks ago. I said no.