‘You just need reassurance and somebody to turn to...’
There were 360 suicides in Wales last year, and there are calls for more to be done to help those affected. Ruth Mosalski reports...
IT IS a heartbreaking situation few of us can even begin to imagine, but two mothers whose sons both took their lives are speaking out in the hope it will help others.
There were 360 registered deaths from suicide in Wales in 2017, the highest figure since 1981, but it’s thought those official statistics may under-represent the true scale of suicide.
In Wales, around three-quarters of people who die from suicide are men.
Rachel Degaetano’s 21-year-old son, Chae, killed himself in an area of woodland within walking distance of the family home in College Road in Barry in the Vale of Glamorgan.
He had had mental health issues since the age of 13.
Since he took his life, his mum discovered the scale of the problem in her own local area, and she set about doing something about it.
Nicola Abraham’s son, Jacob, was 24 when he killed himself.
On October 11, 2015, Jacob was found hanged by his brother Dominic in the garage at their home.
The football-mad youngster from Cardiff would work as a painter and decorator Monday to Friday, and would use his hard-earned cash to party until the early hours of Sunday morning.
But rather than just sticking to alcohol, the 24-year-old would dabble in taking cocaine which had a disastrously negative effect on his mental health.
Since his death, Nicola has set up a foundation to help others. It offers counselling, education and training.
Through that, she met Rachel who wants to set up a similar service in the Vale of Glamorgan.
Both mothers gave evidence to AMs who were working on a piece about suicide prevention and what was working and wasn’t.
It is said that if someone takes their own life, six people around them are directly affected.
For Rachel’s family the number of people was much, much, wider.
“It was huge. It had affected us all,” she said.
The women told the committee there is also a lack of support for families after they are affected by suicide.
During their evidence session to the Assembly, the Jacob Abraham Foundation said after they were first visited by the police they were left alone to deal with the aftermath.
The committee were told that when someone dies in, for example, a road accident, they get access to a police family liaison officer. The same doesn’t happen after suicide.
Rachel was at work when police got to her Barry home and told her partner that Chae’s body had been found. Her partner was told to call her to get her home to break the news.
After she was told, Rachel collected her daughter from school, and Rachel had to tell her the same.
“The police left and then there was nothing for quite a while.”
She had a friend in the police force, she asked them what to do as she was still to identify her son’s body.
Her statement was then taken “but then I never saw another person”.
It would, she thinks, have made a huge difference to her.
“You just need some reassurance and somebody to turn to. Even if they could give you a leaflet of someone else to go to and get some advice.”
Some of those in the group were given details of a bereavement counselling service but that had waiting lists of months.
Anyone involved in any case of suicide needs support, she said.
“That poor man who found Chae, God knows what he’s gone through,” she said.
Around 10 people were there, and not one had received a copy of Help is at Hand Cymru – a self-help guide designed for practical matters, experiencing bereavement, sources of support and how friends and colleagues can help.
The foundation said they would have found it a very helpful resource but Nicola told the committee that the foundation had tried to get copies from Public Health Wales to give to service users, but could only get the English version which had limited benefit to those living in Wales.
The foundation is involved in a Comic Relief-funded project to provide suicide prevention training to tattooists. The idea being that tattooists may spend hours with one client and have a relationship of trust, and the project seeks to make the most of that opportunity.
Rachel agrees with Nicola that it doesn’t have to be experts who can make a difference it can be anyone.
The committee also said that everyone has a role to play in talking about suicide.
“All communities across Wales will be affected by suicide, and so it cannot be left to the emergency service alone to intervene in a distressing situation, we all have a role to play. It is crucial to spread the message that talking about suicide won’t make a situation worse. Raising awareness among the public, as well as those working in frontline services, will encourage help-seeking behaviour and a more compassionate response to people in distress.”
While she strives to set up her own support charity, she continues to take calls from people requiring help.
“I’m not an expert, I just speak from the heart and if it works, it works, and touch wood it has so far.
“The support is there but it is just isn’t offered,” Rachel said.
For confidential support, the Samaritans can be contacted for free around the clock 365 days a year on 116 123.