Stage play expresses heartache of one woman’s childlessness
Philippa Davies tells health correspondent Mark Smith about her devastation following her daughter’s stillbirth and multiple miscarriages, and the help she received from a small charity in north Wales
WHEN Philippa Davies was handed her stillborn daughter to cradle in her arms, she described it as both the best and worst time in her life.
She had fulfilled her lifelong dream of becoming a mother, but knew just hours later she would need to say her final goodbyes.
“We took photographs, wrapped her in a blanket I’d made, she was given a wristband and a registration certificate. We did all the stuff that any parent and baby would do,” she said.
“I had wanted a child for so long, so those 16 hours with her were incredibly precious. I stayed with her the whole time. She was my little girl, but I had to let her go.”
Philippa, from Mold, Flintshire, told herself she would spend her twenties focusing on her academic studies as a biologist and building the foundations of a career before starting a family.
But her carefully laid plans were disrupted when she was rushed to hospital with severe stomach pains.
“It was horrendous. I thought it was food poisoning, but it turned out I had a ruptured ovarian cyst,” she recalled.
“It had gone undetected for a long period of time, and if I hadn’t gone into hospital when I did I could have died as I’d also developed sepsis.”
During a week-long stay at Wrexham Maelor Hospital, where Philippa’s left ovary needed to be reconstructed, it was discovered she also had cysts on her right ovary.
Doctors warned her having children would be more difficult for her than most women her age.
“As I’m a biologist I knew that I still had a chance of being a mum, so I stayed positive,” she said.
At the age of 36 Philippa met the man with whom she would try to start a family.
“Almost straightaway there were problems with my left ovary again, and it was decided that it should be removed altogether,” she added.
“The right one still had cysts on it but it was still functioning sometimes, so we thought we’d keep on trying and see what happened.”
At the age of 38 Philippa was told she was too old for IVF treatment on the NHS and would need to go private.
After building up enough money to give it a go, Philippa fell pregnant after the first round of fertility treatment.
“I was over the moon,” she said. “I was coming up to 40 but I finally thought everything was working out.”
Early scans of the baby went well until they reached the 12-week gestation mark, when the nuchal translucency test was carried out. The test, given to all pregnant women, aims to detect chromosome abnormalities.
Philippa said hospital staff were initially unsure whether or not there was a problem, but later scans at 20 weeks revealed the true extent of her unborn baby’s condition.
“She was found to have Edward syndrome. Typically babies with this condition are not compatible with life,” she said.
“I couldn’t process it. I was angry at life and felt everything was so unfair. They offered me the option to terminate, which I couldn’t do. I would let her go in her own time.
“I knew I needed to hold myself together and get a grip as I was her mum and she was still breathing inside me.”
Philippa said during Christmas 2011 she did everything she could to care for her unborn baby in the hope she would reach full-term.
“We went swimming, we got Christmas presents – it was the only way I could cope,” she said.
“I thought if I was relaxed I could give her the best chance of coming out alive. And she carried on growing inside me, just like any other baby.”
However, on January 16, 2012, when her pregnancy had reached 33 weeks, she was given the news she had dreaded. Her unborn baby, Sam, no longer had a heartbeat.
“My greatest hope had been to meet her alive, even if it was only for a brief time. I did everything I could,” she said.
“I think people were terrified of what to say to me. I had family but they didn’t know what to do.”
Despite spending 16 hours with Sam following the delivery, Philippa believes she will never feel closure from such a tragedy.
She added: “Being that mum to her doesn’t stop. The feelings are no different.
“I will still follow Sam through her life; all the birthdays and Christmases.”
Following the heartbreak of losing Sam, Philippa and her partner went back to their GP to see what options were left for them.
“We found out that the age of having IVF on the NHS had gone up to 40, but it was only offered to people who hadn’t gone through the treatment before. We found ourselves in between the lines,” she said.
“Within 18 months we found the money for IVF again, and it failed. But for some unknown reason I fell pregnant naturally three months later. It was the best thing ever.”
But within 10 weeks Philippa once again had to deal with a pregnancy loss.
“I developed anxiety and depression after Sam, and I was given some hospital counselling but they wanted us to talk through what had happened and I wasn’t ready for that,” she said.
“I had developed a phobia of babies and of pregnant women. I would put on a brave face in work, but other than that I was confined to the four walls of my house.
“I had my animals, my ponies and dogs and cats. With every baby loss I got an animal instead just to give me something else to love.”
The couple tried a final time to conceive in 2016 through an egg donation in the Czech Republic, but the pregnancy failed after just five weeks.
However, Philippa’s mental health following these tragic losses was finally improving thanks to a small charity in north Wales.
“A fantastic nurse from Ysbyty Glan Clwyd told me about a charity they worked with, Ty Gobaith, or Hope House,” she said.
“They encouraged me to write about Sam as she thought it would help other people going through similar experiences.
“At first I absolutely wasn’t ready to deal with it. I still felt like a bit of a freak; like I hadn’t fulfilled my purpose as a woman.
“But after the final pregnancy loss I knew I needed to step out of the house and do something.”
With help from Betsi Cadwaladr University Health Board, Ty Gobaith (Hope House), Sands, Theatr Clwyd and Unison Cymru Wales, Philippa has managed to bring her tragic story of loss to the theatre.
“It took about six weeks to write the first draft of the play, then about seven or eight months to complete,” said Philippa, now 48, who has also written children’s books in Sam’s memory.
“It follows my whole story, told through different characters, from the fertility treatment process to getting pregnant to the losses. I’ve been amazed at the amount of support I’ve received in getting this made.
“It’s raw and real and raises awareness of something that maybe isn’t talked about as much as it should be.
“The whole writing process was my way of staying close to Sam and sharing something with her.”
Her play, Dancing in the Wings, will premiere at Theatre Clwyd in Mold on Thursday, February 27, before transferring to The Forum Studio Theatre in Chester in March.
She also hopes to bring the play to south Wales in the near future.
Jan Tomlinson, Unison North Wales health branch secretary, said: “Dancing in the Wings is about an everyday woman experiencing terrible distress.
“Thousands of women and their partners in a similar position will draw strength and hope knowing Philippa’s story has made the stage. She’s a fantastic campaigner.
“Unison is predominantly a female union and it is essential we support women in the community.
“We want that vital mental health assistance to be available to parents in need and for healthcare staff to be properly supported too.”