I went into the House of Lords four days after Paul died... I still don't know how I did it
Former EastEnders actor Michael Cashman talks to HANNAH STEPHENSON about losing his partner, politics and his hopes for LGBT rights
MICHAEL CASHMAN, or Baron Cashman of Limehouse – best known to many as Colin Russell from EastEnders, who made waves with the first gay kiss on a British soap more than three decades ago – has packed a huge amount into his 69 years.
His roller coaster memoir, One Of Them, charts his course from his working-class East End childhood, the sexual abuse he suffered at the hands of a stranger and later a salubrious artists’ manager, his early years in West End theatre, TV fame in and political activism – to a place in the House of Lords just four days after the death of his long term partner Paul Cottingham.
“I’ve got the most amazing life in the world today but the one person who is missing is the one person who would make sense of it all. He would turn the joy into stupendous joy,” he reflects.
Today, he reveals it was Paul’s death which prompted him to write the book. They met in 1983 at a party hosted by fellow EastEnders actress Barbara Windsor when Paul, then 19 and 13 years Michael’s junior, was a Butlin’s Redcoat.
He was the more outgoing of the two, the party animal and organiser with huge joie de vivre.
The pair had an open relationship, he explains.
“Initially, the cheating on one another was inexcusable. We challenged one another, which was when we recognised that if we were going to have physical relationships with other people, there had to be absolute honesty between us, and recognising the difference between emotional commitment and love, and sex. In a way we became stronger because you had to work at it.”
They were together for 31 years and entered into a civil partnership in 2006. In early 2011, Paul was diagnosed with angiosarcoma, a very rare cancer.
“We were thrown into this void by this dermatologist and left there,” Michael recalls. “Finding our way out of there was the hardest. We were in this black chasm and there was no way out.”
While Paul was having treatment, in another cruel twist of fate, Michael was diagnosed with kidney cancer. Both underwent treatment, but Paul passed away in late 2014.
“The last three weeks of Paul’s life were incredibly difficult but most people recognise that at that time, you live moment to moment,” says Michael. You try not to predict the end but you know the end is coming.
“He gave me the most amazing gift when the consultant told him she could do no more and she left, and he said to me, ‘Well now we know and I’m ready’. He released me from his fear of death.”
Michael reveals in the book that after Paul’s death, he started self-harming and eventually had bereavement counselling.
“With any sense of profound grief, you question who you are and the future. To look back over the life I’d had with Paul, it was staggering to realise how much he had given me.
Without him, I don’t think I would be where I am now,” he says.
He still misses him terribly.
“It’s been difficult every day. I have a battle because of his absence. Each day, when I wake, his name is the first word I say and the last word I say when I go to bed.”
But far from being a misery memoir, the book is peppered with anecdotes of Michael’s encounters with celebrities including Joan Collins, David Hockney and Sir Elton John and his continuing friendship with Sir Ian McKellen, with whom he founded LGBT+ rights group Stonewall and who lives just down the road from him in East London.
He also lifts the lid on life in EastEnders.
“When I first joined the show it was a very dark period in this country. Aids and HIV was depicted as the gay plague. People were not out about their sexual orientation because it brought about a whole range of discrimination and stigma.
“I got some nasty letters. When I came out against the anti-gay law that Thatcher’s government brought in, I received death threats and I was put on the hit list of a far right organisation. Some of the attacks I got in the press were deeply unpleasant and on two occasions we had a brick through our window.”
The first gay kiss in 1987, when
Colin gave boyfriend Barry a peck on the forehead, prompted a deluge of complaints.
“The gay kiss outraged politicians and moral campaigners, but I got a huge amount of support from within the BBC and from cast members.
“But I do remember that when I got a letter together against this anti-gay law, two senior members of the cast refused to sign it because they didn’t want to be associated with homosexuality. Brilliant Leslie Grantham, Dirty Den, was the first to put his name on that letter. He wasn’t worried about the association with a gay cause.”
Michael joined the campaign trail and marched for equality and soon became swept up into politics alongside other well-known actors including Ben Elton, Sue Johnston and Lenny Henry, to support Neil Kinnock in the general election campaign.
How far has the LGBT cause come? “I never believed that the changes that have happened in the last 30 years would happen in my lifetime. We’ve been on an amazing journey and we’ve achieved an amazing amount. Now, we’ve got to defend it.”
Michael returned to EastEnders for one episode last year – when Colin went back to get Dot Cotton to come to his wedding.
“That enticed me back. I adore June Brown. We worked together brilliantly.”
A Labour Party member for 45 years until his resignation last year
(over anti-semitism and indecision over Brexit), Michael served as an MEP for 15 years and was on Labour’s National Executive Committee.
Becoming a life peer in the House of Lords, where he sits for three or four days a week, has been his saviour, he says.
“When I think about going into the House of Lords four days after Paul died, I still don’t know how I did it. It’s just one foot in front of the other.
“It’s five years since he died. I saw my dear friend Sheila Hancock a few weeks ago and asked her, ‘Does it get better?’ She said, ‘Yes, it does’.”
He usually spends Christmas with neighbour Sir Ian McKellen, but says it’s the run-up to the date of Paul’s death which is hardest.
“Laughter’s coming back,” he says. “I was in New York for a few days and met up with friends there and we howled with laughter. I always have to remind myself that if Paul came to me with one message, it would be, ‘Get up, get out and have a good time!”’
Michael will never stop missing Paul but he does hope to find love again.
“To be able to share your most intimate thoughts, fears and hopes with someone without recrimination or hesitation is the most amazing luxury in the world,” he says.
“I had that for 31 years with someone who knew me better than I knew myself. If you don’t hope for that, what is the point of it all?”
■ One Of Them: From Albert Square To Parliament Square by Michael Cashman is published by Bloomsbury, priced £18.99.
When I came out against the anti-gay law that Thatcher’s government brought in, I received death threats
Paul was attacked for his beliefs in the 1980s