Whitehall: It’s a mad world, my masters...

JUST like Alice, I am invited to believe six, not so much impossible but doolally things, before breakfast. So, if I follow Boris the White Rabbit through the doors of Westminster, me and the Cheshire Pussycat will tumble into a wonderland of weirdos, misfits and bonkersness.

1. When I awake I am free to self-identify for the day as any sex I fancy: AC, DC or Three Phase.

2. That coronavirus is not something that has escaped from a lab, when the responses of world leaders range between Corporal Jones’s “Don’t panic! Don’t panic!” to Churchill’s “KBO!” (Keep Buggering On!). What are they not telling us?

3. When I wash my hands I must sing Happy Birthday – twice – to myself; oh, and remind myself that coughs and sneezes spread diseases.

4. The 66 million people of Britain (as opposed to the 5.7 million of Singapore) do not need a farming industry because that nice Johnnie Foreigner will provide us with all the cheap food we need, whatever the effects of global warming, even before feeding his own.

5. Britain will effortlessly survive a cashless society irrespective of power cuts, IT crashes and hacking by that nice Johnnie Foreigner fellow and his pals.

6. Electric and self-drive vehicles will takes us hither and thither without a care, and certainly without regularly breaking down as everything involving complex electronics does these days at the drop of a Mad Hatter’s bobble hat.

Whatever, after a traditional farmer’s breakfast, rather than that Continental nothingness, I invited myself to believe one possible thing: that the whole world is bonkers, except for thee and me and the Cheshire Pussycat – but I’m not too sure about thee.

Huw Beynon Llandeilo