We must listen to young people
By Dr Eileen Boyes Consultant/Lead Clinical Psychologist
I loved? Who loves me?”; confidence – “what can I do well/what am I capable of?”; and of course what we all want throughout our lives, a sense of control – “what can I do for myself? What can I influence?”
Having such questions and/ or doubts can manifest in young people expressing their confusion/emotions through their behaviour – for example, being sad, angry, withdrawn, as well as behaving in challenging or rebellious ways or acting out as they experiment with their independence – this isn’t new.
But it’s important for a parent or carer to remember that they can still play a huge part in helping the young person through this and shape their emotional wellbeing by offering firm and nurturing support to help them develop their confidence and self-esteem. From the best available research, we know praise is always more rewarding than criticism. Listening is vital – communicate understanding and your keenness to listen. Be reflective and mirror emotional responses. Speak openly and as non-defensively as possible. Don’t persist if you sense reluctance and you’re getting no-where. Leave it to return to at another time. Show sensitivity to privacy. Say what you notice – “You look sad, you look troubled.”
Build respectful trust through nurturing/caring parental firmness. Acknowledge and normalise feelings. Be interested/ respectfully curious – but not intrusive/nosey.
Make it about them? They need to know you are serious and want to understand, want to help.
This might involve adults managing their own emotional responses to permit the young person to be heard whilst maintaining limits and boundaries to keep discussion safe, honest and open.
Please also remember that there is a host of excellent advice and support online available for the benefit of parents if you are unsure about how to approach or deal with a situation.
Also, speak to your friends and family. Many parents will have faced similar dilemmas and will only be too happy to share their experiences.
Useful websites available to help parents/ carers include:
The HandsOn Scotland and Children First websites (www.handsonscotland.co.uk / www. children1st.org.uk). These provide general advice for parents on a range of common difficulties for children and young people.
All Lanarkshire libraries now have a healthy reading section with a wide range of mental health and well-being self help leaflets, books, CDs, DVDs and web based support.
There is a wide range of information for mental health and wellbeing at e-lament (eLanarkshire Mental Health Resources) visit : www. lanarkshirementalhealth.org.uk.