A mother in my 30s

COMPANY DIRECTOR MELANIE LAWSON, 43, LIVES IN BRIGHTON WITH HER HUSBAND CLIVE, 45, AND THEIR CHILDREN GRACE, TEN, OSCAR, EIGHT, AND STELLA, SIX.

LIKE A LOT OF WOMEN OF MY GENERATION I WAS HYPER-AWARE OF MY FERTILITY, SO KNEW I’D HAVE TO HAVE MY CHILDREN CLOSE TOGETHER.

VERY SADLY MY FIRST PREGNANCY ENDED IN MISCARRIAGE, BUT I BECAME PREGNANT AGAIN SOON AFTER WITH GRACE.

I HAD A SENIOR JOB IN ADVERTISING BUT WENT ON MATERNITY LEAVE KNOWING I WOULDN’T RETURN – I WANTED TO BE A FULL-TIME MUM. FORTUNATELY WE COULD LIVE ON CLIVE’S SALARY.

I’D SEEN FEMALE BOSSES

“BEING OLDER, I FELT READY TO STEP BACK FROM MY CAREER”

JUGGLING WORK AND FAMILY LIFE, AND ALL THE ACCOMPANYING GUILT, AND I DIDN’T WANT THAT. IF I’D STILL BEEN IN MY TWENTIES I WOULD HAVE FELT PRESSURE TO RETURN AND PROGRESS UP THE LADDER, BUT AT 33 I FELT I COULD STEP BACK.

AS SMITTEN AS WE WERE WITH GRACE, CLIVE AND I WERE BOTH IN SHOCK FOR THE FIRST FEW MONTHS. THE SLEEP DEPRIVATION AND ANXIETY ABOUT WHAT’S “NORMAL” WAS OVERWHELMING.

I’D SPENT OVER 30 YEARS JUST THINKING ABOUT MYSELF, NOW I HAD THIS LITTLE PERSON COMPLETELY RELIANT ON ME. IT TOOK TIME TO ADJUST.

AND WHILE I DIDN’T MISS WORK OR MY OLD LIFESTYLE, I DID ENVY CLIVE HAVING A

LIFE OUTSIDE PARENTHOOD AND THAT PUT A STRAIN ON OUR RELATIONSHIP AT TIMES. HE GOT TO TALK TO OTHER ADULTS AND NOT SPEND ALL DAY WIPING UP MESSES. WE’D SQUABBLE ABOUT WHO WAS THE MOST TIRED.

I REMEMBER ONCE AT A DINNER PARTY A MAN ASKED WHAT I DID. WHEN I SAID I WAS A FULL-TIME MOTHER, HE LOOKED BORED AND TURNED AWAY. IT WAS HARD FEELING LESS VALUED AFTER HAVING A PROFESSIONAL IDENTITY.

AS THE FIRST OF MY PEER GROUP TO HAVE CHILDREN I DIDN’T REALLY HAVE ANY MUM FRIENDS. A DECADE AGO THERE WEREN’T SO MANY CLASSES FOR MUMS EITHER, SO I SPENT A LOT OF TIME ALONE WITH GRACE.

I REGRET NOT MAKING MORE OF AN EFFORT TO MAKE FRIENDS, ESPECIALLY AS I DRIFTED AWAY FROM SOME OF MY OLDER FRIENDS BECAUSE OUR LIVES WERE SO DIFFERENT.

WHEN I WAS EXPECTING OSCAR WE MOVED FROM LONDON TO BRIGHTON. IT

WAS HARD AS I SUFFERED

FROM POSTNATAL DEPRESSION

AFTER HIS BIRTH. BUT BRIGHTON IS SO FAMILY FRIENDLY I

STARTED GOING TO MUMS’ GROUPS AND DEVELOPED AN AMAZING SUPPORT NETWORK,

WHICH I STILL

HAVE TODAY.