I WAS BROUGHT UP BY MY GAY FATHER
Writer Jo Willacy, 44, was nine years old when her family unit changed forever after her dad came out. Here she writes about how the experience shaped the person she is today
ONE READER TELLS HOW THE EXPERIENCE SHAPED THE PERSON SHE IS TODAY
They used the word “different” to explain that Dad loved men
IDON’T REMEMBER DAD’S EXACT WORDS, NOR MUM’S. BUT I REMEMBER HOW IT ALL CAME ABOUT WITH SUCH CLARITY THAT I COULD BE SITTING AT OUR DINING ROOM TABLE IN OUR NORTH LONDON FAMILY HOME RIGHT NOW. HAVING DINNER, I WAS CHATTING ABOUT MY SCHOOL DAY. “POOF” WAS THE PLAYGROUND WORD OF THE MOMENT. I HAD NO IDEA WHAT IT MEANT, JUST THAT IT WAS SOMETHING MY GRANDMA ASKED FOR WHEN SHE WANTED TO REST HER SWOLLEN ANKLES. I MUST HAVE SAID IT ONE TOO MANY TIMES FOR MY USUALLY CALM, QUIET DAD. WITHOUT WARNING, THE CONTENTS OF HIS GLASS OF WATER CAME FLYING TOWARDS ME.
THAT MOMENT IS FREEZE-FRAMED IN MY MIND, MY FACE IN SHOCK AT THE WATER, NOT THE REVELATION. IT WAS 1981, I WAS NINE, MY SISTER KATE WAS TEN, AND MY DAD HAD JUST TOLD US THAT HE WAS GAY. I’M NOT SURE IF HE INTENDED TO TELL US THAT NIGHT BUT I HAD INADVERTENTLY FORCED THE ISSUE.
IN SOME WAYS, MUM AND DAD HAD A “WAY IN” TO A DIFFICULT SUBJECT. THEY’D ALREADY BEEN
FORCED TO HAVE ANOTHER DIFFICULT DISCUSSION WITH US WHEN THEY’D HAD TO EXPLAIN HOW KATE AND I WERE DIFFERENT FROM
OUR FRIENDS. BOTH BORN WITH CYSTIC FIBROSIS, OUR LIFE
EXPECTANCY WAS SHORT. EIGHT, MY PARENTS HAD INITIALLY BEEN TOLD, THEN 11 (I’M INCREDIBLY LUCKY THAT THANKS TO MEDICAL ADVANCES I HAVEN’T YET
NEEDED A LUNG TRANSPLANT, AND I’M AMAZED AND PROUD TO HAVE RECENTLY REACHED THE AGE OF 44). SO EVEN BEFORE
DAD TOLD US ABOUT HIS SEXUALITY, THE WORD “NORMAL” WAS BANNED IN OUR HOUSE. THEY
USED THE WORD “DIFFERENT” AGAIN TO EXPLAIN THAT
DAD LOVED MEN.
I HAVE NO VIVID MEMORY OF MY INITIAL REACTION. ALWAYS MORE OF A DRAMA QUEEN THAN MY DEMURE
AND MATURE SISTER, I PROBABLY FLOUNCED FOR EFFECT BUT, IN THE SHORT-TERM, NOTHING CHANGED. I’D ALWAYS BEEN CLOSE TO DAD AND THIS CLOSENESS GREW WHEN HE GAVE UP WORKING AT HIS
FAMILY JOINERY BUSINESS TO BECOME THE HOUSE HUSBAND WHILE MUM FORGED HER CAREER AS A MAGAZINE AGONY AUNT.
LIVING WITH DAD – A HOUSE STILL FULL OF LOVE
MUM STAYED WITH DAD UNTIL I WAS 13 AND AS I’VE GROWN OLDER, SHE HAS EXPLAINED WHY SHE INITIALLY STAYED. SHE STILL LOVED HIM AND THOUGHT SHE OUGHT TO TRY AND MAKE IT WORK FOR THE SAKE OF KATE AND ME. HER DECISION TO LEAVE CAME WHEN SHE MET ANOTHER MAN AND THEY’VE NOW BEEN TOGETHER FOR 22 YEARS.
KATE AND I STAYED WITH DAD – IT WAS
THE LOGICAL DECISION BECAUSE MUM WAS MOVING AWAY AND WE WANTED TO STAY AT OUR SECONDARY SCHOOL. FRIENDS NOW TELL ME THEY ENVIED MY “COOL” DAD. WHEN
I WAS AT UNIVERSITY, HE WORKED AS A VOLUNTEER ON THE TERRENCE HIGGINS TRUST HELPLINE, >>
Dad being gay has enriched my life… he remains a great influence Any attempt of mine at teenage rebellion was futile – Dad was hard to shock
SOMETHING ONE FRIEND SAID SEEMED SO TRENDY AND “A MILLION MILES AWAY FROM MY DAD, WHO WORKS IN THE CITY IN A SUIT!” I THOUGHT HE WAS PRETTY COOL TOO. HE’D TAKE KATE AND ME “CLUBBING” – THAT IS, TO A FAMILY-FRIENDLY CLUB, AND I HAVE VIVID MEMORIES OF DANCING UNDER A RAINBOW-COLOURED PARACHUTE. IT FELT EXCITING KNOWING I WAS DOING SOMETHING NONE OF MY FRIENDS EVER DID WITH THEIR OWN FATHERS.
DESPITE MUM MOVING TO SOUTH LONDON, SHE NEVER LEFT THE PICTURE AND WE SPENT ALTERNATE WEEKENDS WITH HER. DAD HAD NEW RELATIONSHIPS BUT NO PARTNER EVER MOVED IN WITH US. HIS LONGEST RELATIONSHIP LASTED FOUR YEARS WITH A MAN BOTH KATE AND I LOVED. FULL OF FUN AND ENERGY, HE
ALSO HAD A CALM SIDE TO HIS PERSONALITY, WHICH WAS NEEDED IF KATE OR I WAS ILL.
BUT HE WAS STUBBORN – AS MY DAD CAN
BE – AND I THINK THEIR SIMILARITIES ARE PROBABLY
WHY THEY DIDN’T LAST.
BUT OF MORE IMPACT ON MY CHILDHOOD WERE THE LODGERS DAD TOOK IN AS AN EXTRA SOURCE OF INCOME; A HOST OF COLOURFUL CHARACTERS, MANY OF WHOM HAVE REMAINED BELOVED FRIENDS. I NOW REGARD THEM AS THE “LOGICAL” FAMILY I’VE CHOSEN AS OPPOSED TO THE EXTENDED BIOLOGICAL FAMILY I’VE BEEN GIVEN. IT FEELS LIKE WE WERE ALL PART OF AN EXCLUSIVE CLUB, MEMORIES OF WHICH STILL LINGER HAPPILY, THREE DECADES ON.
OF COURSE, I MISSED MUM, BUT DESPITE THE SEISMIC CHANGE, IT WAS A HOUSE STILL FULL OF LOVE. KATE WAS OFTEN IN HOSPITAL AS A CHILD, WHICH TOOK MUM AND DAD AWAY FROM THE HOUSE AND FROM ME. TO THIS DAY, I FEEL THE LODGERS HELPED ME COPE WITH THAT AS THERE WAS ALWAYS SOMEONE THERE TO BE WITH ME – AND OFTEN PEOPLE
THAT, AS A TEENAGER, SEEMED MORE FUN, AND WERE YOUNGER, THAN MY PARENTS WERE. DAD BEING GAY HAS, WITHOUT QUESTION, ENRICHED MY LIFE. AN ANNUAL FAMILY DAY OUT WAS LONDON’S GAY PRIDE – FAR MORE
OF A THRILL THAN ANY THEME PARK. MORE RECENTLY, DAD INSTILLED MY PASSION FOR BALLROOM AND LATIN DANCE LESSONS, AFTER HE TOOK SAME-SEX LESSONS YEARS EARLIER. HE WAS, AND REMAINS, A GREAT INFLUENCE ON ME – EVEN HIS MUSICAL TASTE IS MINE – NEIL DIAMOND, BARRY MANILOW AND 80S POP. ANY ATTEMPT OF MINE AT TEENAGE REBELLION WAS FUTILE – HE WAS HARD TO SHOCK.
I CAN’T SAY THAT HE EVER GAVE
ANY OF MY BOYFRIENDS A HARD TIME. MY FIRST SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP WASN’T UNTIL I STARTED UNI AND DAD WAS ALWAYS COMPLETELY CHILLED WITH
HIM – AS HE WAS WHEN HE FIRST MET MY HUSBAND GAV. WHEN WE GOT MARRIED IN SEPTEMBER 2000, GAV’S CLASSIC WEDDING SPEECH LINE WAS “I THOUGHT MY FAMILY WAS ECCENTRIC – UNTIL I MET JO’S!”
OUR RELATIONSHIPS TODAY
DAD IS NOW 74 AND SINGLE. HIS DIAGNOSIS WITH PARKINSON’S DISEASE IN 2008 MEANS THAT OUR ROLES HAVE SWAPPED AS I NOW DO WHAT I CAN TO CARE FOR HIM – HOPEFULLY AS WELL AS HE HAS FOR ME. MUM AND DAD ARE STILL FRIENDS, WHICH I RESPECT ENORMOUSLY AS IT CAN’T HAVE BEEN EASY. IN THE EARLY DAYS, THEY NEEDED TIME APART – WHEN MUM CAME TO THE HOUSE, HE WOULDN’T SEE HER AS IT WAS DIFFICULT BETWEEN THEM – IT WAS A BIG HOUSE SO HE COULD EASILY BE
IN A DIFFERENT ROOM. BUT IN TIME THEY STARTED GOING
FOR MEALS TOGETHER AND, WITHOUT THE NEED TO GO TO COURT, BEGAN REBUILDING THEIR RELATIONSHIP AS FRIENDS. THEY BOTH BELIEVE THAT THE LONG-TERM CARE KATE AND I NEEDED CEMENTED THEIR ONGOING RELATIONSHIP. THEIR FOREMOST ROLE WAS THAT OF BEING UNITED AS PARENTS – TOGETHER THEY SURVIVED KATE’S DEATH IN APRIL 1999, AGED JUST 28, WHILE WAITING FOR A DOUBLE LUNG TRANSPLANT. IN FACT, THEY RECENTLY CELEBRATED THEIR 50TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY TOGETHER – JUST 30 YEARS AFTER THEY SEPARATED! THEY WENT OUT FOR LUNCH, JUST THE TWO OF THEM, AND DRANK CHAMPAGNE. NORMAL? HOW VERY DULL. W&H