HOW DO YOU PARENT ADULT CHILDREN?

ADVICE ON GUIDING GROWN-UP CHILDREN

YOU’VE SEEN THEM THROUGH THE SCHOOL YEARS AND WANT TO ENCOURAGE INDEPENDENCE, BUT HOW SHOULD YOU RESPOND TO THESE COMMON PROBLEMS?

PROBLEM ONE They can’t seem to cope away from home

THE KEY IS NOT TO RUSH IN AND MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER. THIS GENERATION’S “HELICOPTER” PARENTS OFTEN TRY AND MICROMANAGE EVERYTHING, FROM A-LEVEL RESULTS TO CHOOSING COLLEGES AND EVEN LOITERING DURING FRESHERS’ WEEK. DON’T. SYMPATHISE IF THEY RING WITH PROBLEMS AND ASK THEM WHAT THEY THINK THEY

CAN DO TO SOLVE THE ISSUES THEY FACE. INDEPENDENCE DOESN’T MAGICALLY HAPPEN, IT TAKES PRACTICE.

PROBLEM TWO They are always needing money

IF YOU CONSTANTLY BAIL OUT ADULT CHILDREN OF ANY AGE, THE FIRST MESSAGE YOU GIVE THEM IS, “YOU’RE NOT COMPETENT TO COPE ON YOUR OWN.” THE SECOND IS, “IT DOESN’T MATTER BECAUSE THE BANK OF MUM AND DAD WILL ALWAYS SEE YOU ALL RIGHT.” BUT IT’S ESPECIALLY TEMPTING WITH 18-22YEAR-OLDS WHO STILL SEEM (AT LEAST TO US) TOO YOUNG TO MANAGE. THE FIRST STEP IS TO AGREE IN ADVANCE WHAT YOU WILL PAY FOR; THEIR PHONE BILL, FOR EXAMPLE. SECOND, IS IT POSSIBLE FOR THEM TO EARN MONEY WITH A STUDENT JOB? IF THEY CONTINUALLY RUN OUT OF MONEY, SEND THEM SMALL AMOUNTS TWO OR THREE TIMES, BUT BE VERY CLEAR (GIVE WARNINGS VERBALLY, BY TEXT AND BY EMAIL, SO THEY CAN’T PLEAD IGNORANCE) THAT THE MONEY HAS TO LAST AND YOU WON’T BE SENDING ANY MORE. AS LONG AS THEY HAVEN’T ANY MENTAL HEALTH OR ADDICTION ISSUES, THEY SHOULD BE ABLE TO FIGURE IT OUT. THE UNIVERSITY HAS SAFETY NETS, SUCH AS STUDENT COUNSELLING AND EMERGENCY FOOD SUPPLIES, AND CAN USUALLY HELP.

PROBLEM THREE They can’t manage their work

IF THEY ARE REALLY STRUGGLING, RESIST PICKING UP THE PHONE TO THEIR TUTOR AND INSTEAD SUGGEST YOUR CHILD ARRANGES A MEETING WITH THE TUTOR. THEY MIGHT FAIL EXAMS OR COURSEWORK INITIALLY, BUT LEARNING TO MOTIVATE THEMSELVES AND STUDY ON THEIR OWN IS PROBABLY THE MOST IMPORTANT LESSON THEY CAN LEARN AT COLLEGE. REMEMBER, THEY ARE ALWAYS MUCH CLEVERER AND TOUGHER THAN YOU THINK. >>

The “Transformation Years” aged 25-30

They’re living at home and have no direction

IF THEY’RE STILL LIVING WITH YOU, SIT DOWN AND HELP THEM MAKE A PLAN. YES, IT’S VERY HARD FOR YOUNG PEOPLE IN THE JOB MARKET AT THE MOMENT, BUT ANY SORT OF JOB WILL HELP WITH CONFIDENCE, SELFESTEEM AND FINANCES. THEY SHOULD FIND A JOB, EVEN IF IT’S PART-TIME AND NOT THE CAREER OF THEIR DREAMS. UNLESS THEY’RE SAVING FOR A MORTGAGE OR A RENTAL DEPOSIT, WORK OUT A CONTRIBUTION IN RELATION TO WHAT THEY EARN, HOW MUCH HELP THEY GIVE AROUND THE HOUSE AND, IF NECESSARY, SET A DATE FOR MOVING OUT.

You hardly ever hear from them!

IT’S VERY TEMPTING TO RING AND TEXT WHEN YOU DON’T HEAR FROM CHILDREN, BUT THE BEST GIFT YOU CAN GIVE THEM IS HAVING A FULFILLING LIFE OF YOUR OWN. A BIG TURN-OFF IS CONSTANTLY ASKING FOR INFORMATION ABOUT THEIR LIVES, WHAT THEY’RE DOING, WHERE THEY ARE. INSTEAD, TELL THEM ABOUT YOU. MAKE THEM LAUGH, SEND SILLY PICTURES OR A JOKE. BRIBERY WORKS TOO. PAY FOR THEIR TRAIN TICKETS OR PETROL OR, IF YOU CAN, INVITE THEM TO SHARE PART OF YOUR HOLIDAY.

They are making mistakes!

HOWEVER MUCH YOU’D LOVE TO GIVE THEM ADVICE, THE SIMPLE RULE IS: DON’T. IF THEIR HOME IS A MESS, THEY SEEM TO WORK TOO MUCH (OR TOO LITTLE), OR HAVE A PARTNER YOU DON’T LIKE, PRETEND NOT TO SEE AND STAY CALM AND POLITE. SIMILARLY WHAT YOUR CHILD EATS, HOW MUCH THEY DRINK AND WHAT THEY WEAR ARE NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. BE SUPPORTIVE AND KIND AND KEEP LINES OF COMMUNICATION OPEN.

ASK HOW THEY ARE, BUT DON’T VENTURE AN OPINION ON THEIR WEIGHT OR ALCOHOL CONSUMPTION. THE EXCEPTION IS IF

YOU FEAR THEY HAVE MENTAL HEALTH OR ADDICTION PROBLEMS, SEE BOX, RIGHT. THE “GETTING ESTABLISHED” YEARS AGED 35+

They can’t find the right partner

THIS IS TOUGH BECAUSE WE ALL WANT TO SEE OUR KIDS FIND LOVE, YET IT’S NOT SOMETHING WE CAN FIX FOR THEM. ALL YOU CAN DO IS BE SUPPORTIVE, LISTEN AND TRY TO BOOST THEIR CONFIDENCE BY POINTING OUT THE THINGS THAT ARE GOING RIGHT AND THEIR UNDOUBTED TALENTS. JUST YOUR PRESENCE, ROCK-LIKE AND STABLE, IS ENOUGH TO GIVE THEM THE PROPER FOUNDATIONS TO LIVE LIFE CONFIDENTLY AND FULLY.

They have found love … with the wrong person!

UNLESS THE LOVE OF THEIR LIFE IS ABUSIVE OR SERIOUSLY UNDERMINING, YOU JUST HAVE TO SEEK OUT YOUR CHILD’S PARTNER’S GOOD POINTS, AND OVERLOOK THE BAD. IF YOUR PROSPECTIVE SON- OR DAUGHTER-IN-LAW’S MANNERS AREN’T QUITE WHAT THEY SHOULD BE, FOCUS ON THEIR KINDNESS, LOYALTY TO YOUR CHILD AND THEIR STOICISM IN TOUGH TIMES. MAKE FRIENDS WITH THEM AND

TAKE THEIR SIDE. YOUR SON OR DAUGHTER WILL APPRECIATE IT BECAUSE YOU ARE VALIDATING THEM AND THEIR CHOICE TOO.

Grandchildren … or lack of

IF YOUR SON OR DAUGHTER HAS DECIDED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN, CAN’T HAVE THEM OR HASN’T MET THE RIGHT PARTNER, YOU WILL HAVE TO CONCEAL YOUR OWN FEELINGS AND CHERISH THE RELATIONSHIP YOU HAVE WITH YOUR SON OR DAUGHTER. IF A BABY DOES ARRIVE, BE AN AMAZING GRANDPARENT, BUT DON’T OFFER UNSOLICITED ADVICE – GIVE YOUNG PARENTS SPACE AND TELL THEM WHAT AN AMAZING JOB THEY’RE DOING.

MORE SERIOUS PROBLEMS

IF YOU ARE WORRIED YOUR ADULT CHILDREN MAY HAVE MENTAL HEALTH OR ADDICTION ISSUES, THEN ACTIONONADDICTION.ORG.UK OR MIND.ORG.UK ARE GOOD STARTING POINTS FOR SEEKING ADVICE ON GETTING HELP. IF THEY HAVE GOT SERIOUS DEBTS, THESE ORGANISATIONS ARE GEARED TO HELPING YOUNG ADULTS WITH PAY PLANS, COUNSELLING AND ADVICE: PAYPLAN.COM, STEPCHANGE.ORG, MYMONEYSTEPS.ORG