MINDING THE BABY
NEW GRANDMOTHER KIM CARILLO WAS THRILLED TO BE ASKED TO LOOK AFTER GRANDSON HARVEY, BUT THEN THE INSTRUCTIONS BEGAN TO ARRIVE…
NEW GRANDMOTHER KIM CARILLO IS KEPT BUSY PREPARING FOR HER GRANDSON’S FIRST OVERNIGHT STAY
I’D JUST BECOME A GRANDMOTHER FOR THE FIRST TIME, AND A FEW WEEKS AFTER THE BABY’S BIRTH I WAS THRILLED WHEN MY DAUGHTER, CATHERINE, ASKED IF WE COULD HAVE LITTLE HARVEY FOR A SLEEPOVER.
THE QUESTION WAS, WERE WE EQUIPPED FOR THE TASK? MY HUSBAND CHARLIE AND
I ARE STRONG AND HEALTHY GRANDPARENTS, BUT THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEAN BY EQUIPPED. I’M REFERRING TO ACTUAL EQUIPMENT – THE LIKES OF WHICH I’D NEVER DREAMED POSSIBLE WHEN MY OWN CHILDREN WERE BORN!
THE MORNING OF THE SLEEPOVER WAS BRISK AS WE WERE BOMBARDED WITH AMAZON PRIME DELIVERIES OF BABY EQUIPMENT COURTESY OF MY DAUGHTER.
“JUST SOME BITS AND PIECES YOU’LL NEED FOR HIS OVERNIGHT STAY,” CATHERINE INFORMED ME.
BY MIDDAY MY KITCHEN WAS JAMMED TIGHT WITH CARDBOARD BOXES CONTAINING ALL SORTS OF BABY GADGETS, MUCH TO MY HUSBAND’S HORROR.
“HOW LONG IS HE STAYING FOR?” HE ASKED ANXIOUSLY. AND SO
THE UNPACKING BEGAN.
FIRST UP WAS A BOTTLEMAKING DEVICE THAT WOULDN’T HAVE LOOKED OUT OF PLACE IN MY LOCAL BRANCH OF
COSTA COFFEE, PROMISING PERFECTLY PREPARED FORMULA BOTTLES AT THE PRESS OF A BUTTON. I WOULDN’T HAVE BEEN SURPRISED IF IT HAD OFFERED A CAPPUCCINO OPTION!
NEXT CAME A MICROWAVABLE STERILISING KIT, A COUPLE OF GLOW-IN-THEDARK DUMMIES, A POD IN WHICH MY
By midday my kitchen was jammed with boxes
GRANDSON LIKES TO SLEEP (WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE GOOD OLD MOSES BASKET?), AND A STRANGE-LOOKING SHEEP THAT GLOWS IN THE DARK WHILE PLAYING A LULLABY WITH A WEIRD NOISE IN THE BACKGROUND… “YOU’D THINK FOR THE
PRICE THE MUSIC WOULDN’T HAVE THAT MECHANICAL DRONE,” CHARLIE QUIPPED. TURNS OUT THE DRONE HE WAS REFERRING TO IS A HIGH TECH SIMULATION OF SOUNDS INSIDE THE WOMB.
WHILE CHARLIE MADE A START ON THE GIANT RECYCLING PILE, IT DAWNED ON ME THAT WE HAD TO PUT THIS STUFF TOGETHER USING INSTRUCTIONS TYPED IN PRINT SO SMALL THAT WE HAD TROUBLE READING THEM EVEN IN OUR MOST POWERFUL GLASSES.
TIME WAS FLYING PAST AS WE HURRIED TO CONSTRUCT THEN INITIATE DRY RUNS TO ENSURE EVERYTHING WAS PREPPED AND OPERATIONAL. BY THIS STAGE MY KITCHEN WORKTOPS RESEMBLED A HIGH-TECH SCIENCE LABORATORY.
MY DAUGHTER HAD DROPPED OFF A FEW MORE ESSENTIALS. A PRAM THAT UNFOLDED WITH THE GENTLE PRESS OF A SINGLE
BUTTON SOUNDED STRAIGHTFORWARD;
IF ONLY WE COULD FIND SAID BUTTON.
A REFLUX WEDGE THAT RESEMBLED A PIECE OF EQUIPMENT AT MY GYM AND A VIDEO/SOUND BABY MONITOR STREAMING LIVE UNTIL WE LOST THE CONNECTION (OBVIOUSLY WE HAD NO IDEA HOW TO GET IT BACK!). IN ANY CASE, THE ONLY THING I COULD HEAR CLEARLY VIA THE MONITOR
WAS CHARLIE IN THE ADJOINING LOO.
WITH HARVEY’S DROP-OFF IMMINENT, MY STRESS LEVELS WERE OFF THE CHART
BUT JUST AS I COULD SEE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL, I HAD ANOTHER CALL FROM MY DAUGHTER.
“DON’T FORGET TO DOWNLOAD THE WHITE NOISE APP!” SHE SAID. “HARVEY LIKES THE HAIRDRYER OPTION.”
I HAD NO IDEA WHAT THIS MEANT
BUT PLAYED ALONG, WHILE MENTALLY ACKNOWLEDGING THAT WE MIGHT BE IN SERIOUS TROUBLE.
BUT THE KILLER WAS THE CAR SEAT, WHICH LOOKED LIKE IT HAD BEEN ISSUED BY NASA. CATHERINE HAD GIVEN US A CRASH COURSE EARLIER DURING WHICH WE NODDED AND PRETENDED TO KNOW WHAT THE HECK SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT BUT NOW I WAS FLYING SOLO, I REALISED I DIDN’T REMEMBER ANY OF IT.
I LOWERED A WRIGGLING HARVEY INTO POSITION AND BEGAN THE VERY ELABORATE STRAPPING-IN PROCESS, WHICH WENT SURPRISINGLY SMOOTHLY UNTIL I REALISED I HAD ONE OF HIS ARMS WHERE HIS LEG SHOULD BE. IT WAS AN EASY FIX SO, FEELING SLIGHTLY CALMER, I ANNOUNCED TO MY HUSBAND, “OK, HE’S STRAPPED IN, NOW ALL WE NEED TO DO IS SPIN THE SEAT ROUND TO FACE THE BACK.” THEN IT DAWNED ON ME. I DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO DO THAT. JUDGING BY MY HUSBAND’S FACE HE DIDN’T HAVE A CLUE EITHER.
AFTER ABOUT 20 MINUTES FUMBLING AROUND, WITH HARVEY BECOMING INCREASINGLY AGITATED AT THE LACK OF ACTION, I WAS FEELING SWEATY AND DESPERATE, SO I FOLDED AND CALLED CATHERINE.
AS THE SEAT LOCKED INTO ITS NEW POSITION MY GRANDSON WAS NOW TILTED AT THE KIND OF ANGLE IN WHICH I IMAGINE ASTRONAUTS FIND THEMSELVES PRIOR TO A MOON LAUNCH. HE DIDN’T SEEM TO HATE IT
SO OFF WE WENT.
LATER, BY THE TIME HARVEY HAD FINISHED HIS MIDNIGHT FEED WE WERE FADING FAST BUT HE SEEMED TO HAVE A SECOND WIND.
“I’LL TRY THE WHITE NOISE APP,” CHARLIE SUGGESTED HOPEFULLY.
“USE THE HAIRDRYER SETTING!” I YELLED, WONDERING WHETHER WE HAD FINALLY LOST OUR MINDS.
I WENT AHEAD TO SET UP THE ALLIMPORTANT POD, WHICH WAS TO BE PLACED BETWEEN CHARLIE AND ME. FORTUNATELY, WE HAVE A SUPER KING-SIZE BED SO WE COULD ALL JUST ABOUT FIT IN. ARMED WITH THE MUSICAL SHEEP, THE GLOW-IN-THEDARK DUMMIES, THE REFLUX WEDGE AND THE HEATED POD WARMER, ALL I NEEDED NOW WAS HARVEY SO THAT WE COULD FINALLY GET SOME SLEEP.
AFTER 20 MINUTES AND WITH STILL NO SIGN OF THE BOYS I HEADED BACK DOWNSTAIRS TO DISCOVER CHARLIE, HARVEY AND BAILEY THE LABRADOR SNORING AWAY ON THE COUCH, THE HAIRDRYER APP DRONING AWAY ON MAXIMUM, ALL LIGHTS BLAZING.
THE TRUTH IS, HARVEY WAS AN
ABSOLUTE JOY BUT BY THE TIME HIS
PARENTS PICKED HIM UP THE FOLLOWING DAY WE WERE EXHAUSTED WRECKS! THE LACK OF SLEEP WAS THE EASY PART, IT WAS THE CRASH COURSE IN MECHANICS THAT
HAD MY ADRENALS PUMPING.
AS THE KIDS DROVE OFF, HARVEY AT
HIS USUAL 45-DEGREE ANGLE READY FOR LAUNCH, IT DAWNED ON US THAT WE NOW HAD TO DECONSTRUCT EVERYTHING AND STORE IT IN READINESS FOR HARVEY’S
NEXT SLEEPOVER.
MY DAUGHTER’S OLD BEDROOM IS
STILL JAMMED TO CAPACITY WITH HER BELONGINGS DESPITE HAVING MOVED
OUT THREE YEARS AGO, BUT WE NOW HAVE ENOUGH EQUIPMENT TO OPEN UP OUR
OWN BRANCH OF MOTHERCARE.
WE HAD BEEN DISCUSSING
DOWNSIZING BUT, THINKING ABOUT IT, WE’RE GOING TO NEED AN EXTENSION! W&H
The following day we were exhausted wrecks