“I would have tried to see things more from Mum’s perspective”
JENNIEJ PRICE, 57, IS CHIEF EXECUTIVE O OF SPORT ENGLAND. S SHE LIVES IN SURREY W WITH HER HUSBAND, DAVID, AND HAS
FI FIVE STEPCHILDREN. HER MOTHER, NOW 8 85, HAS DEMENTIA.
I NOTICED MUM ACTING S STRANGELY ON HOLIDAY. S SHE WAS 67 THEN AND MOSTLYL FINEFI BUTB SOME DAYS SHE WAS LIKE A STUCK RECORD, ASKING THE SAME QUESTION. OVER TIME, SHE BECAME MORE IRRATIONAL, HER BEHAVIOUR CHANGED: SHE GOT ANGRY, UNPREDICTABLE AND PARANOID. BUT SHE WASN’T DIAGNOSED FOR SEVEN YEARS BECAUSE SHE FLATLY REFUSED TO GO TO THE DOCTOR. SHE’D BEEN A DEPUTY HEAD OF A SCHOOL AND WAS ALWAYS VERY FUNNY AND KIND, BUT HER RELIABILITY DRIFTED AWAY.
SHE STARTED GOING OUT AT NIGHT AND WOULD DISAPPEAR FOR A FEW HOURS AT A TIME,
WHICH WAS TERRIFYING FOR MY DAD.
IN THE END WE GOT A CONSULTANT TO COME TO THE HOUSE. IT FELT LIKE A BETRAYAL BUT BY THEN SHE COULDN’T LOOK AFTER HERSELF AND MY DAD WAS REALLY STRUGGLING. WHEN SHE STARTED HIDING SCISSORS SHE WAS SECTIONED FOR HER OWN SAFETY, WHICH WAS AWFUL, BUT IT REMOVED THE RESPONSIBILITY OF THE DECISION FROM MY DAD AND MEANT SHE GOT PROPER DRUGS FOR THE FIRST TIME. AFTER THREE MONTHS SHE WENT INTO A REALLY GOOD HOME. SHE WAS 77 AND GOT ALL THE PRACTICAL HELP SHE NEEDED: BASIC STUFF LIKE INCONTINENCE PADS, INSTEAD OF US HAVING TO WATCH HER. THEY ALSO MADE SURE SHE WAS EATING AND DRINKING. WHEN CHOOSING A HOME IT’S WORTH ASKING TO VISIT AND JUST SIT FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS, AND WATCH HOW THE STAFF TREAT PEOPLE. YOU CAN TELL WHEN PEOPLE ARE BASICALLY KIND, CARING AND KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING. WATCHING MUM DESCEND INTO DEMENTIA WAS HARD AND MY RELATIONSHIP WITH HER CHANGED, BUT THAT PERSON IS STILL INSIDE THERE AND IT CAN STILL BE A REWARDING RELATIONSHIP.
MY ADVICE
TRY NOT TO RATIONALISE IT’S SO TEMPTING WHEN SOMEONE IS BEING IRRATIONAL TO TRY TO MAKE THEM BEHAVE “NORMALLY”. BUT
SOMETIMES IT’S BETTER TO GO WITH IT. I USED TO CORRECT MUM IF SHE THOUGHT I WAS HER SISTER, BUT I DON’T NOW.
BE REASSURING I REALISED THAT WHEN MUM SAYS THAT SHE WANTS TO GO HOME SHE REALLY MEANS SHE WANTS THINGS TO BE NORMAL BECAUSE SHE NEEDS REASSURANCE. OFTEN, JUST CHATTING TO HER AND HOLDING HER HAND WILL RELAX HER.
SEE THINGS THROUGH THEIR EYES MUM BECAME RELUCTANT TO WASH WHICH WAS DIFFICULT. SLOWLY, I REALISED THAT SHE WAS TERRIFIED OF WATER ON HER HEAD. WASHING BECAME EASIER ONCE I UNDERSTOOD THAT.
VISIT A LOT PATIENTS WITH REGULAR VISITORS END UP BEING BETTER CARED FOR BECAUSE STAFF GET TO SEE THEM AS THE PERSON THEY USED TO BE. ALSO, IT MEANS YOU DEVELOP A RELATIONSHIP WITH THE STAFF.
KEEP GOING! MUM CAN’T WALK, SPEAK OR COMMUNICATE AND HAS TO BE FED. SOME DOCTORS SAY THERE IS NO POINT IN TRYING TO COMMUNICATE BUT I DISAGREE. WHEN I COMB MUM’S HAIR AND FEED HER SHE SMILES AND HOLDS MY HAND TIGHT. SHE LOOKS HAPPIER BY THE TIME I LEAVE.
PLAY MUSIC IF MUM IS DISTRESSED, MY HUSBAND BRINGS HIS GUITAR AND PLAYS MUSIC GENTLY, WHICH REALLY CALMS HER.