“Make sure you have your own support network”

GHILLIEG BASAN, 54, IS A FOOD WRITER AND COOK,C LIVES IN THE HIGHLANDS AND HAS TWO CHILDREN,C 17 AND 21. SHE RECENTLY MADE THE DECISIOND TO MOVE HER 91-YEAR-OLD MOTHER, WHOW HAS DEMENTIA, TO A CARE HOME.

A AFTER MY FATHER DIED, SEVEN YEARS AGO, I ARRANGED FOR VISITORS TO HELP MUM. BUT

AFTER SHE WAS DIAGNOSED WITH DEMENTIA,

HER BEHAVIOUR CHANGED AND SHE NEEDED A LIVE-IN CARER. UNFORTUNATELY, SHE WAS RELUCTANT TO ACCEPT HELP FROM A STRANGER

S SO I WAS NEEDED MOST DAYS TO WASH AND CHANGE HER. MY MOTHER LIVED AN HOUR’S DRIVE AWAY, WITH A THREEHOUR DETOUR IN WINTER SO IT BECAME A HUGE PART OF MY LIFE.

EVENTUALLY THE CARERS COULD NO LONGER COPE. SO, EVEN THOUGH IT WAS AGAINST MY MOTHER’S WISHES, I HAD TO LOOK FOR A CARE

HOME. I SIMPLY COULDN’T LOOK AFTER HER ANY MORE. I HAD GIVEN UP SO MANY THINGS – FAMILY LIFE, WORK OPPORTUNITIES, AND EARNINGS – JUST TO MAKE SURE SHE WAS COMFORTABLE, BUT ALL THAT SACRIFICE TOOK A TOLL: I WAS EMOTIONALLY, PHYSICALLY AND FINANCIALLY DRAINED.

I LOOKED AT LOTS OF HOMES AND SAW SOME I WASN’T HAPPY WITH. LUCKILY SHE HAS MY FATHER’S PENSION SO SHE WAS ABLE TO PAY. I FOUND A SMALL HOME THAT’S LOVELY. SHE IS SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE; STAFF CHECK ON EVERYONE ALL THE TIME. SHE IS WARM AND WELL FED.

MY ADVICE

DON’T REACT TO AGGRESSION WHEN MY MOTHER WAS AGGRESSIVE I’D LET HER SAY EVERYTHING SHE WANTED TO SAY. I’D STROKE HER ARM AND TRY TO MAKE HER LAUGH. GRADUALLY THE AGGRESSION DISSIPATED.

BE REALISTIC THERE COMES A POINT WITH DEMENTIA WHEN WHAT’S NEEDED IS PROPER NURSING CARE. MY MOTHER’S LIFE AND MY LIFE IMPROVED SIGNIFICANTLY WHEN SHE WENT INTO A HOME.

FIND YOUR OWN SUPPORT NETWORK TALK TO FRIENDS AND IF YOU HAVE ACCESS TO SOCIAL SERVICES OR SUPPORT FROM YOUR GP THEN CALL IT IN.