DEMENTIA
“I’m lucky my brother has been so hands-on” “When Mum says something funny we laugh about it”
A ALISON DAVIDSON,
6 60, HAS TWO D DAUGHTERS, 24 A AND 22, AND LIVES IN SURREY. S SHE HAS AN OLDER BROTHER, NEIL, AND SISTER,IT SUE,S AND D THEIRTH MOTHER, RUTH, IS 92 AND LIVES IN A CARE HOME.
MUM STARTED REPEATING HERSELF ABOUT 12 YEARS AGO BUT DAD BRUSHED IT UNDER THE CARPET AND THERE WAS A LOT OF COLLECTIVE FAMILY DENIAL THAT WENT ON FOR A FEW YEARS. BUT GRADUALLY THINGS GOT WORSE, TO THE
POINT THAT DAD HAD TO LOCK THE DOOR SO SHE DIDN’T WANDER OUT. MY BROTHER NEIL, WHO LIVED FIVE MILES AWAY,
URGED DAD TO TAKE HER TO THE DOCTOR, AND HE WENT TOO FOR SUPPORT, AND
THEN SHE WAS DIAGNOSED AND STARTED MEDICATION.
I WAS WORKING FULL-TIME, LIVING
MUCH FURTHER AWAY, AND A SINGLE MOTHER. NEIL HAD MORE CAPACITY AND I’M VERY LUCKY THAT HE REALLY TOOK IT ON. HE’D GO OVER MOST SUNDAYS TO SEE MUM AND GIVE DAD A BREAK, BUT THINGS CONTINUED TO DETERIORATE AND NEIL AND DAD HAD JUST DECIDED MUM HAD TO GO INTO A HOME WHEN DAD DIED, VERY SUDDENLY, OF UNDIAGNOSED PROSTATE CANCER. BY THEN, MUM NEEDED FULL-TIME CARE SO WITH
THE HELP OF COVENTRY SOCIAL SERVICES, NEIL FOUND A TEMPORARY PLACE. AFTER EIGHT MONTHS A PLACE CAME UP AT THE HOME DAD WANTED HER TO GO TO, SO
NEIL MOVED HER. WE ARE LUCKY BECAUSE MUM HAD ENOUGH MONEY OF HER OWN, PLUS DAD’S PENSION, TO PAY FOR HER OWN CARE AND THE HOME IS LOVELY; REALLY NICE AND SHE IS VERY HAPPY THERE. NEIL GOES ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK. I GO WHENEVER I CAN, WHICH ISN’T ENOUGH BUT I DO WHAT I CAN AND I’M VERY LUCKY THAT NEIL HAS BEEN SUCH A GREAT SUPPORT.
MY ADVICE
SIGN UP FOR AS MUCH HELP AS YOU
ARE DUE FIND OUT WHAT SUPPORT IS AVAILABLE IN YOUR AREA AND TAKE IT.
GET ALL THE PAPERWORK IN ORDER LUCKILY, WE HAD ARRANGED FOR ALL THREE OF US TO HAVE POWER OF ATTORNEY OVER DAD’S AFFAIRS BEFORE HE DIED. EVEN THOUGH
THAT CAN BE A DIFFICULT CONVERSATION, IT’S
WORTH HAVING SOONER RATHER THAN LATER.
TRY AND KEEP A SENSE OF HUMOUR
WHEN MUM SAYS SOMETHING FUNNY WE LAUGH ABOUT IT. KEEPING THINGS LIGHT – WHEN THEY SOMETIMES FEEL QUITE DARK – CAN BE HELPFUL.
KEEP COMMUNICATION CHANNELS OPEN A FAMILY WHATSAPP GROUP IS A GOOD WAY TO KEEP CONVERSATIONS GOING AND SHARE VIEWS AND DECISIONS.
HOLD YOUR TONGUE IT’S EASY TO FALL
OUT WITH FAMILY OVER A RELATIVE’S CARE – AND ALSO OVER MONEY – BUT TRY NOT TO LOSE YOUR TEMPER AND PRESERVE THE RELATIONSHIP IF YOU CAN.
TRY NOT TO FEEL GUILTY BECAUSE YOU CAN ONLY DO WHAT YOU CAN DO. W&H