LESSONS IN HEARTACHE AND WHY LAUGHTER ALWAYS HELPS
CATHY RENTZENBRINK ON LIFE, LOVE AND LOSS
THINK OF CATHY RENTZENBRINK AS YOUR NEW BEST FRIEND – WARM, WITTY AND INCREDIBLY WISE. HERE SHE WRITES EXCLUSIVELY ON WHAT SHE HAS LEARNT ABOUT LIFE, LOVE AND LOSS
CATHY RENTZENBRINK,
44, IS THE AUTHOR OF THE BESTSELLING MEMOIR, The Last Act of Love. PUBLISHED IN 2015, THE BOOK DEALT WITH THE DEATH OF HER BELOVED BROTHER. CATHY’S NO-NONSENSE STYLE RESONATED WITH READERS, WHO IN TURN SENT HER HUNDREDS OF LETTERS AND EMAILS, AND TO DATE IT HAS SOLD OVER 100,000 COPIES. SHE BELIEVES THAT ALMOST ALL OF US HAVE A DEFINING MOMENT THAT PREVENTS US FROM LIVING AS FULLY
AS WE POSSIBLY COULD, SOMETHING
SHE DEALS WITH IN HER NEW BOOK,
A Manual for Heartache. SHE
LIVES IN LONDON WITH HER HUSBAND, ERWYN, AND SON MATTHEW. CAN YOU BEAR TO COME WITH ME TO
THE DAY THAT MY HAPPY LIFE WAS BLOWN APART? I WAS 17 AND LIVED IN A PUB IN YORKSHIRE WITH MY PARENTS AND MY BROTHER, MATTY. MATTY WAS 13 MONTHS YOUNGER THAN ME AND NINE INCHES TALLER. HE WAS CLEVER, SPORTY AND CHEEKY IN EQUAL MEASURES, AND WE TOOK IT IN TURNS TO LOOK AFTER EACH OTHER.
THEN, ONE NIGHT, HE WAS KNOCKED
OVER BY A CAR. I KNELT BY HIM IN THE ROAD AND WENT WITH HIM IN THE AMBULANCE TO LEEDS GENERAL INFIRMARY. I SAT IN A ROOM WITH MY PARENTS DRINKING ENDLESS CUPS OF TEA WHILE A BRAIN SURGEON OPERATED ON HIM. MATTY SURVIVED SURGERY AND
THE DOCTORS SAID THE NEXT 48 HOURS WERE CRITICAL. I PRAYED IN THE HOSPITAL CHAPEL. I WASN’T RELIGIOUS BUT HAD BEEN TO A CATHOLIC SCHOOL AND KNEW THE PRAYERS. I SAID THEM AGAIN AND AGAIN AS I SOBBED AND BEGGED A GOD I DIDN’T BELIEVE IN NOT TO LET MY BROTHER DIE.
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT WAS COMPLICATED BECAUSE MATTY DIDN’T DIE, BUT I HADN’T KNOWN THAT I WAS PRAYING FOR THE WRONG THING AND THERE ARE MANY AND VARIOUS FATES WORSE THAN DEATH. HE WAS IN A PERSISTENT VEGETATIVE STATE FOR EIGHT YEARS AND MY HEART WAS BROKEN AGAIN AND AGAIN AS ALL OUR EFFORTS TO ROUSE HIM PROVED FUTILE.
I GRADUALLY AND PAINFULLY REALISED THAT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER FOR MATTY – AND FOR US – IF HE HAD DIED ON THE NIGHT HE WAS KNOCKED DOWN. IT TOOK A COMPLICATED LEGAL PROCESS TO FINALLY ALLOW HIM TO LEAVE THIS LIFE, AND FOR US TO HAVE A FUNERAL AND MOURN HIM.
EXCEPT THAT IT WASN’T OVER. I THOUGHT I’D CRIED SO MUCH OVER THE EIGHT YEARS THAT I HAD DONE ALL MY GRIEVING, BUT MATTY’S DEATH UNLEASHED NEW ANGUISH IN ME AND I DRIFTED INTO NEARLY A DECADE OF DRUNKENNESS WHERE I DIDN’T BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND OR ACCOMMODATE ALL THE PAIN SLOSHING AROUND INSIDE ME. >>
Moving forward
LIFE GRADUALLY IMPROVED. I GOT A JOB I LIKED WORKING IN A BOOKSHOP, MET A KIND MAN AND HAD A CHILD, BUT I WAS IN AND OUT OF DEPRESSION ALL THE TIME AND THOUGHT I WOULD NEVER ESCAPE THE ALMOST CONTINUAL FEELINGS OF DESPAIR. I WAS GOOD AT PUTTING ON A MASK AND APPEARING NORMAL AND CHEERFUL IN PUBLIC, BUT I FELT LIKE THERE WAS A BOMB INSIDE ME WAITING TO GO OFF.
SO I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT IT ALL CALLED The Last Act of Love AND THAT HELPED. I FELT A SENSE OF PRIDE THAT I HAD WRESTLED THE COMPLEX STORY ONTO THE PAGE, AND I LOVED THAT LOTS OF MATTY’S FRIENDS GOT IN TOUCH TO SAY HOW WELL I’D CAPTURED HIS SENSE OF HUMOUR – AND TO TELL ME THAT THEY TOO STILL MISSED HIM. AFTER YEARS OF WORKING IN BOOKS, IT WAS A MOVING AND HUMBLING EXPERIENCE TO HAVE MY OWN BOOK OUT IN THE WORLD AND SEE IT IN BOOKSHOP WINDOWS.
THE BIGGEST THING, THOUGH – AND I HADN’T EXPECTED THIS – WAS THAT MY LIFE CHANGED BECAUSE PEOPLE WHO READ MY BOOK STARTED TO TALK BACK TO ME. PEOPLE I HAD KNOWN FOR YEARS TOLD ME THE SECRET STORIES OF THEIR
OWN TRAGEDIES, STRANGERS WOULD TALK TO ME AFTER EVENTS, AND I RECEIVED HUNDREDS OF LETTERS AND EMAILS FROM PEOPLE THANKING ME FOR SHOWING THEM THAT WE’RE NOT ALONE IN THAT FEELING OF BEING STUCK IN SADNESS AFTER A PAINFUL LIFE EVENT.
I was good at appearing cheerful but I felt like there was a bomb inside me waiting to go off
I REALISED THAT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS A “THING”, A DEFINING MOMENT OR PERIOD IN THE PAST THAT STILL DISTRESSES THEM AND PREVENTS THEM FROM LIVING AS FULLY AS THEY COULD IN THE PRESENT OR LOOKING FORWARD TO THE FUTURE. SOMETIMES IT IS FAIRLY WELL BURIED, SOMETIMES IT IS LEAKING OUT ALL OVER
THE PLACE. IT CAN BE ANYTHING. IT CAN BE A DEATH OR A LOSS, BUT NOT NECESSARILY. PEOPLE CARRY GREAT BURDENS FROM UNHAPPY CHILDHOODS, FROM BEING BULLIED, FROM NOT FEELING LOVED. WORK, RELATIONSHIPS AND MODERN LIFE ARE ALL FULL OF HURDLES THAT ARE OFTEN DIFFICULT TO FACE. I BEGAN TO SEE I WASN’T THE ONLY ONE WHO FELT WEAK AND INADEQUATE AND A BIT OF A FRAUD. I BEGAN TO FEEL PART OF A COMMUNITY OF PEOPLE WHO WERE OWNING UP TO THEIR PAIN AND ALLOWING THEMSELVES TO BE SEEN. IT WAS SUCH A RELIEF TO FEEL LESS ALONE.
What I have learnt
LOTS OF PEOPLE ASKED ME FOR ADVICE ON HOW TO NAVIGATE DARK TIMES,
AND FOR HELP WITH WHAT TO SAY TO A SUFFERING FRIEND. I WAS ALSO ASKED IF I THOUGHT ANYTHING COULD HAVE BEEN DONE DIFFERENTLY TO MAKE IT LESS OF A LENGTHY, TORTUOUS PROCESS FOR ME.
PEOPLE OFTEN ASKED IF I THOUGHT THEY SHOULD GIVE MY BOOK TO A FRIEND
WHO WAS IN NEED. THEY WANTED THEM TO EXPERIENCE THE POSITIVE EFFECTS OF READING IT BUT WORRIED ABOUT IMPOSING THE SAD STORY ON THEM.
THIS GAVE ME THE IDEA FOR A Manual for Heartache. I WANTED TO WRITE SOMETHING CONSOLING THAT COULD ACT AS A KIND FRIEND IN TIMES OF TROUBLE, SHARING EVERYTHING I HAD LEARNT.
I’M NOT A DOCTOR, A THERAPIST, A PHILOSOPHER, A PRIEST OR AN EXPERT ON ANYTHING. I’M JUST A HUMAN BEING WHO HAS THOUGHT A LOT ABOUT HOW TO BE ALIVE IN THIS WORLD. OF COURSE, THERE IS A LIMIT TO WHAT A BOOK CAN DO, BUT I HAVE ALWAYS TAKEN GREAT COMFORT FROM BOOKS AND I WANTED TO CREATE SOMETHING THAT WOULDN’T PUSH ANYONE FURTHER INTO DESPAIR BUT MIGHT OFFER A FRIENDLY SHOULDER TO LEAN OR CRY ON, A HELPING HAND TO HOLD. I LIKE TO THINK OF THE BOOK AS A VERBAL CUDDLE, OR A MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE. IT’S EVERYTHING I’VE LEARNT ABOUT HOW TO HOLD STEADY IN THE FACE OF LIFE’S TWISTS AND TURNS, WHATEVER THEY ARE.
AND, ONCE AGAIN, WRITING A BOOK HELPED ME. THINKING ABOUT WHAT WOULD BE USEFUL FOR OTHER PEOPLE TO KNOW WAS USEFUL FOR ME. I LEARNT A LOT ABOUT BEING HUMAN BY WRITING THIS BOOK, HOW WONDERFUL AND FLAWED WE ALL ARE, AND HOW TERRIBLY INCLINED WE ARE TO BE HARD ON OURSELVES.
SOMETIMES IT HELPS ME TO THINK OF LIFE AS A GAME. IT IS VERY CRUEL WHEN YOU FEEL YOU ARE TRAPPED IN, SAY, A GAME OF SNAKES AND LADDERS, BUT I’VE LEARNT THAT IT HELPS ME TO BE RESILIENT IF THAT’S HOW I CHOOSE TO SEE IT. “OK,” I CAN THINK TO MYSELF, “I’VE JUST LANDED ON AN ENORMOUS SNAKE AND THAT ISN’T FAIR BUT I’M NOT GOING TO LET MY HEAD GO DOWN, I’M GOING TO GET READY FOR MY NEXT TURN.”
WHAT I’VE LEARNT IS THAT LIFE WILL THROW US ALL SORTS OF CURVEBALLS. BUT IF WE CAN ACCEPT THAT HEARTACHE IS HUMAN, AND STOP POURING ALL OUR EFFORTS INTO HIDING WHO WE ARE BECAUSE WE THINK PEOPLE WON’T LIKE THE REAL US, THEN WE HAVE MORE ENERGY FOR
GETTING OUT IN THE WORLD
AND SEEING IT FOR THE
BEAUTIFUL PLACE IT CAN BE.
A MANUAL FOR HEARTACHE by Cathy Rentzenbrink (Picador) is out now. W&H