MIDLIFE ADVENTURES IN DATING
JINDER CHALMERS, 52 AND DIVORCED, WAS MORE INTENT ON CAREER SUCCESS THAN FINDING A NEW MAN, BUT THEN SHE TOOK A FLIGHT AND FOUND LOVE WAS IN THE AIR
JINDER CHALMERS’ EXPERIENCE
There was definite chemistry between us
WITH ONLY MINUTES TO SPARE, MY 20-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER, SCHARA, AND I JUST MADE OUR PLANE FROM JAMAICA TO VANCOUVER. ON BOARD, SCHARA GRABBED MY BOARDING PASS AND SWAPPED SEATS AT THE LAST MINUTE, OBVIOUSLY THINKING MINE LOOKED BETTER. AS I WAS FASTENING MY SEAT BELT, THE MAN SITTING BESIDE ME, NAMED MICHAEL DOWNEY, INTRODUCED HIMSELF. HE WAS READING A BOOK ENTITLED The Man Who Sold His Ferrari. I HAD RECENTLY SEEN SEVERAL OTHER MEN READING THE SAME BOOK SO, CURIOUS, I ASKED, “WHAT’S SO INTERESTING ABOUT THAT PARTICULAR BOOK?” HE SAID IT WAS ABOUT TRANSFORMATION.
FROM THAT POINT WE HIT IT OFF IMMEDIATELY. WE LAUGHED, WE JOKED
AND THERE WAS SOME KIND OF DEFINITE CHEMISTRY BETWEEN US. SEVERAL HOURS INTO OUR FLIGHT, I REALISED IT WAS ODD TO BE ABLE TO SPEAK TO SOMEONE SO EASILY AND NATURALLY. I LEARNED HE WAS CEO OF TENNIS CANADA, AND WE TALKED A LOT ABOUT HIS CANCER IN 2008 AND HOW, AFTER SUCCESSFUL TREATMENT, HE VOLUNTEERED TO BE THE PRESIDENT OF THE TORONTO HUMANE SOCIETY – TO GIVE BACK. MICHAEL EVENTUALLY SUMMONED UP ENOUGH COURAGE AND SAID, “I HAVE NOT ASKED A WOMAN OUT IN 20 YEARS… CAN I BUY YOU A DRINK?” I LAUGHED BECAUSE DRINKS ON THE PLANE WERE FREE. HE TOLD ME THAT HE WAS JUST COMING OUT OF A 20-YEAR MARRIAGE AND WAS FRESHLY DIVORCED.
HOW FRESH, I ASKED. TWO WEEKS, HE SAID. HE WAS LOOKING FOR BALANCE IN HIS LIFE.
HOWEVER, AT THIS POINT I WAS NOT INTERESTED IN HAVING A RELATIONSHIP SO WHEN HE ASKED FOR MY PHONE NUMBER AND EMAIL ADDRESS, I REFUSED. GETTING OFF THE PLANE, MY DAUGHTER HISSED IN MY EAR, “MUM, HE’S DEFINITELY A STAGE 5 CLINGER, I WOULD NOT GO OUT WITH HIM IF I WAS YOU.” I LAUGHED BUT WHEN I TURNED TO LEAVE, MICHAEL SMILED AND SAID, “I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE YOU OUT FOR DINNER AND I WILL FLY BACK FROM TORONTO TO VANCOUVER JUST TO HAVE A DATE WITH YOU.”
I SAID IN DISBELIEF, “YOU WOULD FLY FIVE-AND-A-HALF HOURS JUST TO HAVE DINNER WITH ME?” “YES,” HE SAID. I THOUGHT WHAT A GREAT PICK-UP LINE, AND TOLD HIM HE
MUST BE CRAZY. “YOU WOULD ACTUALLY FLY ALL THIS WAY TO HAVE DINNER WITH ME BECAUSE WHAT – TORONTO HAS NO WOMEN?” HE SMILED, “NOT LIKE YOU.” I SAID SOMETHING STUPID AND LEFT. BY THE TIME I GOT HOME, HE HAD SOMEHOW MANAGED TO FIND MY EMAIL ADDRESS AND MESSAGED SAYING HE WAS SO HAPPY TO HAVE MET SOMEONE LIKE ME. I WAITED A FEW DAYS BEFORE REPLYING THAT IT WAS A PLEASURE TO MEET HIM TOO.
AT THIS POINT, I WAS UNIMPRESSED WITH HIM. OK, HE WAS INSISTENT BUT NOT MY TYPE. ANOTHER VOICE IN MY HEAD ALSO SAID, “BUT HE IS SORT OF CUTE.” I WASN’T PLAYING HARD TO GET – I JUST WASN’T THAT INTERESTED IN DATING. THEN MICHAEL CALLED ME TO TELL ME HE WAS COMING TO VANCOUVER TO ANNOUNCE THE DAVIS CUP. AFTER A LENGTHY CONVERSATION ON THE PHONE, MICHAEL SAID, “LOOK, I REALLY WANT TO GET TOGETHER AND GO FOR DINNER.” I WAS UNCERTAIN BUT HE EMAILED ME THAT NIGHT, AND FINALLY I AGREED TO GO ON OUR FIRST DATE TO A VERY SMART RESTAURANT.
The early days
THE DAY HE ARRIVED, I WAS EXTREMELY NERVOUS BUT THE MEAL WENT WELL AND, AFTER A ROMANTIC DINNER WHERE WE TALKED NON-STOP, I DROVE HIM BACK TO HIS HOTEL WHERE HE INVITED ME UP FOR A DRINK. AT THIS POINT I PANICKED AND LEFT HIM AT THE DOOR OF THE HOTEL, CLEARLY THINKING, “WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT?”
THE FOLLOWING DAY, HE CALLED AND ASKED ME OUT AGAIN, BUT I TOLD HIM I HAD ALREADY MADE PLANS AND WAS GOING TO GO FOR A HIKE IN THE MOUNTAINS. HE ASKED IF HE COULD GO WITH ME, AS HE HAD NEVER HIKED IN THE MOUNTAINS BEFORE. LATER, TRYING TO SHOW HIM HOW EXPERIENCED A HIKER I WAS, I TRIED TO CROSS THE RIVER BY >>
JUMPING FROM ONE ROCK TO ANOTHER AND FELL INTO THE RIVER! MICHAEL LAUGHED, BUT LATER ON IN THE HIKE WHEN I TOOK A BREAK TO SIT AND MEDITATE, WHICH IS SOMETHING I OFTEN DO WHEN OUT IN A BEAUTIFUL LANDSCAPE, I CAUGHT HIM LOOKING AT ME SOMEWHAT UNCERTAINLY. WE WERE SO DIFFERENT FROM ONE ANOTHER, BUT MAYBE IT WAS THAT DIFFERENCE THAT INTRIGUED HIM.
My “Aha!” moment
I CONTINUED TO HOLD HIM AT ARM’S LENGTH, LITERALLY, BUT HE JUST KEPT SENDING ME EMAILS AND PHOTOS ABOUT HIS LIFE OR CALLING. SEVERAL MONTHS PASSED AND WE WERE STILL LIVING IN OPPOSITE ENDS OF THE COUNTRY. OUT OF THE BLUE, MICHAEL INVITED ME TO JOIN HIM IN LOS ANGELES WHERE HE HAD BUSINESS AND WOULD BE STAYING IN A HOTEL. A HOTEL – THE TWO OF US? I STARTED TO PANIC AND BROKE OUT IN HIVES AT THE THOUGHT OF HAVING SEX WITH HIM; I WAS NOT READY TO TAKE THIS RELATIONSHIP ANYWHERE!
I SAID AS MUCH AND MICHAEL, EVER
THE GENTLEMAN, SAID HE JUST WANTED MY COMPANY AND ALL HE ASKED IS THAT I HAVE DINNER WITH HIM ON THIS TRIP. I MADE A LIST OF CONDITIONS. THE FIRST, I WAS NOT STAYING IN THE SAME HOTEL ROOM AS HIM. SECOND, THAT I WORK AS A SCRIPTWRITER AND A VISIT TO LOS ANGELES WAS THE IDEAL OPPORTUNITY TO USE TIME IN THE DAY TO VISIT THE TV NETWORKS AND PITCH A PROJECT I WAS WORKING ON.
WE STAYED IN SANTA MONICA, IN A BOUTIQUE HOTEL OVERLOOKING THE PACIFIC OCEAN. MICHAEL WAS TRUE TO HIS WORD AND ASKED FOR SEPARATE ROOMS, AND I WAS SO IMPRESSED THAT OVER DINNER I FELT I HAD TO BE UTTERLY HONEST. BACK IN MY HOME TOWN OF VANCOUVER I HAD MET AN ARTIST WHO I HAD SEEN A FEW TIMES
AND WHO, PERHAPS BECAUSE HE WAS AN ARTIST, I FOUND INTERESTING.
MICHAEL REACTED IN THE MOST SURPRISING WAY. HE SAID HE WAS WILLING TO ASK THAT MAN IF HE INTENDED TO PURSUE THE RELATIONSHIP IN A SERIOUS WAY BECAUSE, IF HE DIDN’T, MICHAEL WAS GOING TO. AND THEN I HAD, AS OPRAH WOULD CALL IT, THE “AHA!” MOMENT.
I LOOKED AT MICHAEL AND THOUGHT, WOW, THIS MAN IS WILLING TO DO ANYTHING FOR ME. I THOUGHT, THIS MAN HAS INTEGRITY, HONESTY AND GUTS. I THOUGHT HE WAS SENSITIVE TOO, AND ALL THIS WAS KIND OF SCARY FOR ME BUT I REALLY SAW ALL HIS QUALITIES. THAT NIGHT WE ONLY NEEDED ONE BEDROOM.
Upping sticks
AFTER THAT TRIP MICHAEL WANTED ME TO
TAKE THE NEXT STEP AND LIVE WITH HIM BUT I WAS NOT READY FOR THAT. I WAS MINDFUL OF THE FACT THAT I FELT THAT MICHAEL
HAD ONLY RECENTLY COME OUT OF A LONG MARRIAGE AND FELT HE REALLY NEEDED TO BE OUT ON HIS OWN AND EXPERIENCING
LIFE AS A SINGLE MAN, TO FIND EMOTIONAL BALANCE, IF YOU
LIKE, BEFORE HEADING INTO
YET ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP. HE WOULD HAVE TO PROVE TO ME THAT HE IS CAPABLE OF THAT. THERE IS NOTHING WORSE, IN MY OPINION, THAN A GUY WHO RUNS FROM ONE WOMAN TO THE NEXT TO THE NEXT. WHERE DO THEY LEARN FROM THEIR PAST MISTAKES?
SO WE WENT BACKWARDS AND FORWARDS AND SPENT WEEKENDS TOGETHER, AND AFTER A YEAR HE ASKED ME AGAIN TO MOVE IN WITH HIM AND UPROOT MYSELF INTO A NEW HOME IN TORONTO, ONTARIO. AND THIS TIME I SAID, YES! MICHAEL TAUGHT ME HOW TO
ICE SKATE, AND HOW TO ENJOY THE COLD WINTRY WEATHER CONDITIONS OF TORONTO.
BUT ANOTHER CHANGE WAS ON THE CARDS WHEN MICHAEL WAS OFFERED THE JOB AS CEO OF THE LAWN TENNIS ASSOCIATION, WHICH MEANT MOVING TO LONDON. HE ASKED ME TO MARRY HIM AND, IF I’M HONEST, IT WASN’T SO MUCH OF A SURPRISE TO ME, AS IT WAS MORE ABOUT THE
LOGISTICS OF MOVING TO THE UK.
A low-key ceremony
SO THERE WAS NO CHAMPAGNE, NO GETTING DOWN ON HIS HANDS AND KNEES, NO ROSE PETALS – IN FACT, THERE WAS NO MASTER PLAN FOR THE WEDDING! WE JUST WENT TO CITY HALL FOR A PRIVATE CEREMONY WITH HIS TWO SONS, HIS MOTHER AND MY TWO GOOD FRIENDS WHO LIVED IN TORONTO. IT WAS A MOST RIDICULOUS WAY TO GET MARRIED. NO ONE ATTENDED FROM MY FAMILY – NOT EVEN MY DAUGHTER. THEY THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO HAVE A “REAL WEDDING” THE FOLLOWING YEAR IN VANCOUVER, WHERE MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS RESIDE.
AS A RESULT OF THIS LOW-KEY APPROACH, WHEN I WAS WALKING DOWN THE AISLE OF THIS EMPTY SPACE IN CITY HALL, I REALISED I HADN’T EVEN BOUGHT A BOUQUET OF FLOWERS TO CARRY. SO MY FRIEND WHISKED OUT A BUNCH OF PLASTIC FLOWERS FROM A VASE AND HANDED THEM TO ME. BUT AS I BEGAN TAKING A FEW STEPS DOWN THE AISLE, SOMETHING FELT TERRIBLY WRONG. THE MUSIC THAT WAS PLAYING WAS THE SAME MUSIC I HAD WALKED DOWN THE AISLE TO AT MY FIRST MARRIAGE – PACHELBEL’S Canon in D. “STOP, STOP,” I SHOUTED. “SOMEONE CHANGE THE MUSIC!” THANKFULLY THEY
DULY DID AND THE CEREMONY WENT AHEAD.
AFTER A HONEYMOON IN JAMAICA (ALL
OUR ADULT CHILDREN CAME TOO!), WE MOVED TO LONDON FOR MICHAEL TO TAKE UP HIS JOB WITH THE LTA. IT WAS THE START OF A NEW PHASE FOR US BOTH – WITH SO MANY PLEASURABLE MOMENTS OVER THE PAST THREE YEARS, IT WOULD BE HARD TO PICK JUST ONE, THOUGH SITTING IN THE ROYAL BOX EVERY YEAR AT WIMBLEDON WAS PRETTY SPECIAL AND A
HUGE HONOUR.
BUT MORE IMPORTANT WERE THE EMOTIONAL CHANGES THAT MOVING AND GETTING MARRIED TRIGGERED. I HAD TO DEVELOP A SENSE OF WHO I WAS WITHOUT FAMILY AND FRIENDS AROUND, LEARN A NEW KIND OF PATIENCE IN MY RELATIONSHIP
WITH MICHAEL, AND SWITCH MY NATURAL INSTINCT FROM BEING A LEADER AND
MAKING DECISIONS SOLELY FOR MYSELF TO EMBRACE BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP. IT TOOK A WHILE BUT EVENTUALLY I GOT THERE.
NOW FIVE YEARS ON FROM FIRST
MEETING WITH MICHAEL, BOTH MY LIFE
AND I HAVE CHANGED IN WAYS I NEVER COULD HAVE IMAGINED WHEN MY
DAUGHTER SWAPPED SEATS AND I GOT CHATTING TO A MAN ON A PLANE… W&H
I thought this man is willing to do anything There was no master plan for the wedding!