‘Telling her was the hardest thing’
Dade Barlow, 35, says: In our kitchen we have an ornament that says: ‘Remember, as far as anyone knows, we are a NORMAL family.’ It makes me chuckle whenever I see it. You see, while my wife Tiffany and I might look like any other couple, our love story is a little unconventional. The truth is, we’ve been married twice – both times to each other, but once in a same-sex ceremony as wife and wife. Then, two years later, we said ‘I do’ again – after I transitioned from a woman to a man.
I was four when I first realised I wasn’t like other girls my age. I wanted my hair short and even told people I was a boy. My heavily religious family dismissed it, but as much as I tried to bury the way I felt, I was battling feelings I didn’t understand.
I got married at 18 to a man, but there was still something niggling at me – and part of it was that I was attracted to women. Finally aged 25, I found the courage to file for divorce. My family weren’t happy and I was forced to move away, leaving them and the religion behind.
I started my own electrical engineering business, but although I was happy, I was lonely. That’s why in September 2008 I posted an advert on the website Craigslist looking for people who enjoyed hiking, like me. A woman called Tiffany replied. We started dating and from then on we were inseparable.
Back then, my name was Tiffany too, our friends called us TNT – and it drove me mad. I’d always thought my name was so prissy. One day I said I’d had enough and was changing it. I chose Dade because it wasn’t really a boy or girl’s name. And Tiffany didn’t question it. We’d talked about children, but I knew there was no way I could carry a child – I hated my breasts already, and couldn’t connect to my femininity. But Tiffany said she would.
We got married in September 2010 and were on our fifth attempt of artificial insemination when one evening Tiffany and I watched a documentary about people who were born in the wrong body. I’d never even heard the word transgender before, but something inside me clicked.
Telling Tiffany was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. She thought I’d hidden that I was transgender, when I’d only just figured it out. She just kept yelling, ‘You lied, you lied’, over and over, louder and louder. And the look on her face...
I wasn’t willing to give up my life with her to transition, so I tried to ignore it. But I grew depressed and even considered suicide. It was counselling that taught us both to listen – and taught me to be honest. Transitioning was something I had to do.
When Tiffany told me she’d stay with me, it was the happiest I’d ever been. As I started the process I worried that Tiffany wouldn’t find me attractive.
‘Something inside me clicked’
I had testosterone injections, which thickened my vocal chords, making my voice deeper, I grew body hair and my fat started redistributing to the areas it forms on men. And while my body was changing, so too was Tiffany’s – she was pregnant.
We got married again a few months later – this time as husband and wife – and our daughter, Zane, was born in autumn 2012.
Even closer than before
Over the next two years I went through countless more surgeries. First, I had my breasts removed, then a hysterectomy and my ovaries taken out, too. And then, in April 2014, I had my lower body surgery, where a functioning penis and testes were formed from my vagina. We paid for the entire transition ourselves with savings – a total of £100,000.
I know that transitioning threatened to ruin our marriage, but in many ways, it saved it – we’d never have reached this level of honesty or closeness otherwise.
Zane, now four, knows all about her Mummy and Daddy’s love story and I hope that one day, when she’s old enough to really understand, she’ll be proud of us. No matter what the circumstances, Tiffany and I keep choosing each other – and we always will.