It happened to me
I binged on 8,000 calories a day
We all have those days when we don’t eat as healthily as we should. maybe you have an extra biscuit with your cup of tea, some chocolate buttons at your desk at work. But not so long ago, when I felt my willpower waiver, I’d gorge on whole cakes, an entire loaf of bread and multipacks of crisps – and no matter how full I was, I just kept going… as a child, I was chubby and even though my parents told me it was puppy fat, I only got bigger in my teens. I had a sweet tooth, so I’d spend my pocket money on pickand-mix. of course, I knew I was heavier than other girls my age. while my friends wore crop tops, I hid my shape in baggy dresses.
So self-conscious, I was just 14 when I started counting calories. I’d have a salad at the school canteen. But while my intentions were good, it never lasted.
In the years that followed, I tried countless diets – from Atkins and juicing to taking pills that suppressed my hunger. I’d lose a few pounds, but then I’d give in to my cravings and I’d put it all back on again.
By the time I went to university in September 2005, aged 19, I was 13st. Then, in February 2006, a friend suggested I try a meal-replacement plan. She explained that by drinking shakes instead of eating meals, I’d cut my calorie intake to just 600 a day, losing large amounts of weight in a short time. Willing to try anything, I signed up.
Immediately, my weight plummeted – I lost 11lb in the first week. Friends complimented me on my new shape and when my boyfriend, Zack*, came to visit, he hardly recognised me. Six weeks later, I’d shrunk from a size 16 to a 10.
I was doing so well that, in April 2006, having shed almost 3st, I reasoned I could treat myself. So I bought a Mars bar. As I ate the first mouthful, it was like I was trying chocolate for the first time – I’d forgotten how delicious it was! And within seconds, I’d devoured every last crumb.
Fantasising about food
When I weighed myself the next day, I was relieved that I’d still lost a pound. So, from then on, I’d starve myself in the day, before treating myself to something sweet in the evening. But, within days, one bar turned into five, then I’d add a packet of crisps, too. Soon, I’d spend the entire day fantasising about the food I’d eat at night.
And as my weight crept up, my binges escalated. After eating my evening meal, using my student loan, I’d go and buy packets of crisps and dip. Not wanting to seem greedy to the shopworkers, I’d then go to a different shop to buy slabs of chocolate. Next, I’d drive to Mcdonald’s and order enough food for two, before heading to Burger King and doing the same.
It was like I was in a trance. I’d eat all the food – about 8,000 calories in total – so quickly that I could barely taste it. And afterwards, I felt overwhelmed with guilt. I’d look in the mirror at my bloated tummy and feel disgusted. But I couldn’t stop.
By May 2006, I had quit my mealreplacement plan – the low-calorie shakes had no effect when I was bingeing nightly. I didn’t tell friends about my feasts – even when Zack saw the empty pizza boxes in my bin, he didn’t say anything. By the time I graduated, in July 2008, I was 13st 7lb.
I got a job on a make-up counter, but working full-time did nothing to curb my binges. After a busy day at work, piles of chips made me feel better. But I told myself that my behaviour was normal. After all, we’ve all sat with a tub of ice cream when we’re feeling sad. How was this different?
But then, in December 2012, after nine years together, Zack and I broke up. I was devastated – and no amount of chocolate could make me feel better.
Sense of relief
By September 2013, I knew I couldn’t go on like this, so I went to the GP. When he told me I was depressed, I wasn’t surprised, and I willingly accepted his offer of counselling. Talking to a therapist for six weeks eased my heartache, and with each session, we talked more and more about mental health. And it got me thinking about my eating habits – perhaps I wasn’t greedy; perhaps I had a mental health issue. So I researched my behaviour online, and came across binge-eating disorder. At first, the idea seemed silly. When I thought of eating disorders, I pictured teen girls who were dangerously thin. I was 28, and tipped the scales at 18st 7lb – far too big for my 5ft 8in frame. But the website described how people with this disorder would gorge on food in secret and then feel ashamed.
In that moment, I felt tears well in my eyes. I’d spent years thinking I was greedy, that I didn’t have the determination to get in shape. Now I realised I wasn’t a weak person – I had something wrong with me.
So, in February 2016, I went to an eatingdisorder clinic and told a therapist about my habits. I felt relieved – it was the first time I’d revealed the true extent of my bingeing to anyone. Instead of being disgusted, she was so supportive. ‘I can help you,’ she said.
I even enjoy cooking
I began a group therapy course and, each week, we were given tips on how to change the way we thought about food. I realised that I’d been using food as a coping strategy to manage my emotions. But counsellors taught us that mindfulness and meditation were much better techniques to handle stress. And they gave me a meal plan – three balanced meals a day and three snacks. With the tools I’d learnt, I ate less in the evenings, until soon, I wasn’t bingeing at all.
I finished my group therapy in January 2017, and while it wasn’t about weight loss, I’ve dropped to a more healthy 15st. I even enjoy cooking – whipping up healthy salads and lean casseroles.
There are times when I still feel the urge to binge, but I’m getting better each day. I’ve learnt food doesn’t make me happy – only I can do that.
‘I’d gorge on food In secret’