Life today
Can seeing multiple men really help you find The One? Writer Becky Wicks tries circular dating... and reports back
Why I’ve been dating three men at once
The message popped up on my phone: ‘Sorry, I’m just not looking for a relationship right now.’ after six months together, I was being dumped… via whatsapp. what kind of terrible human was this man – and more to the point, weren’t we already in a relationship?
However, rather than sink into despair (OK, I allowed myself a teary Outlander and Pinot binge first), I decided to ask my friend Jen what her secret was, as recently men had been chasing her like never before.
It turns out it’s all down to ‘circular dating’, the brainchild of relationship coach and former crisis counsellor Rori Raye. There’s one simple rule: you date no fewer than three men at the same time – never sleeping with more than one – until you agree with one of them to be exclusive.
Rori’s theory is that with your attention spread across several suitors, you remain busy, aloof, and prizeworthy of the right man, who’ll eventually step up and ‘beg for commitment’. It sounds like a disaster waiting to happen to me, but then again what have I to lose?
WEEK 1
my first date is at a South american restaurant with Henry*, a half-peruvian guy I met through Tinder. with his big brown eyes and curly hair, I fancy him straight away.
Even when he tells me that he ‘breeds’ potatoes, I’m not fazed – especially after he explains how they mostly get turned into crisps, which ends up in a feisty Walkers versus Pringles debate. Conversation then moves on to our respective travels, but my phone starts pinging. Discreetly I look down to discover a load of texts from Rob*, a hot male nanny I’ve crossed paths with on Happn.
Part of me feels guilty – but having two men on the go is also exciting. At the end of the night, Henry gives me a lingering hug and says he wants to meet again.
Twenty-four hours on from my date with Henry, I’m with Rob in a bar drinking cocktails. There’s no kissing, but that’s OK because I can’t help but think about Henry and that maybe I actually prefer him. Things are getting interesting...
WEEK 2
along with Henry and Rob, this week I hook up with Dave*, who I met through my friend mara. we spend the night drinking cocktails and he’s fun and witty. He clearly likes me, too, because at the end of the date he asks me out for lunch.
The next day I receive a text from him, adding that we could eat in his bed. I wittily – or so I think – reply, ‘Tempting. Can’t wait to eat a dirty burrito between your sheets.’ To which, he pings back, ‘OK, what time?’ Dave doesn’t understand my sarcasm, and while circular dating means saying yes to men you might not instantly go for, a girl has to maintain some standards.
Along with Henry, Rob and Dave (now dumped),i squeeze in another date, Tom*, a marketing manager and keen sailor I met on Okcupid. I put him into my phone as Captain Sparrow, and so commence the cheeky sailor/ Popeye jokes, not least because his biceps bulge like the real deal in his profile photo.
Meanwhile, Henry is still messaging me, but with all this hooking up I’ve been too busy to reply. Rather than be put off by my silence, it’s made him even keener and I begin to feel terrible for not making time for him. Maybe I’m not cut out for all this man-juggling – I don’t know if I can take the guilt. Plus, to be honest, it’s only been two weeks and I’m shattered.
WEEK 3
after a second and third meet-up with Captain Sparrow, I sense the ‘I’ll cook for you at my place’ date is fast approaching. He’s tall, with bright blue eyes, and a very good kisser. But even though I really like him, I’m determined not to put all my eggs in one, er, man’s basket, and stick to the rules of circular dating.
Rob is no longer making much effort to meet up, but I don’t feel bothered because I have my other suitors – proof that this stuff makes you less attached to one guy. With my flatmate and friends constantly Whatsapping me for updates, as well as trying to organise dates, it’s really hard to keep up with messages. I’m losing track of what I’ve said to whom, and what they’ve said to me. In my tiredness, I send a message to Captain Sparrow about Peru that’s meant for Henry. Luckily, he assumes I’m suggesting South American food sometime and I leave it at that. Phew!
WEEK 4
one of the rules of circular dating is that you can’t cancel a date for your favourite guy. So I decide to put seeing Captain Sparrow off for a few days and carry on seeing my other suitors.
However, this doesn’t mean I can’t be a bit of a message flirt and the more I tease, the more Captain Sparrow chases! Finally, on Friday it’s ‘that dinner’. He whips up a lasagne complete with homemade pasta and we end up snogging afterwards on his sofa. But as amazing as the evening is, I head home at a decent hour, knowing I’ve left him wanting more.
But while Captain Sparrow seems super-keen, Henry and Rob have gone quiet. Knowing they are not the only guys I like makes their abandonment bearable. It also means I have space to add a couple of new guys to my dating circle.
First up is Cyber Sam*, a tall, dark, handsome flirt I meet on Okcupid who travels the world in the name of internet security, then Lukas*, a PR for a racing organisation who I meet in a bar. Somehow I also manage to keep at least one or two nights a week free for myself and my friends. Sticking with this rotation is knackering, but also the most fun I’ve had in ages!
It’s only been two weeks and I’m shattered