Family dilemmas

After years of drinking problems, my husband took my promise to leave him if he didn’t sort it out seriously. I’m so proud of him – he saw a counsellor and we did some joint sessions and he has stuck to it for 11 months now. This Christmas, though, the problem is going to be with his father, who he picked the habit up from in the first place. His dad is a violent and nasty drunk. my mother-in-law gave him the same ultimatum years ago and he chose the drink. we let him come for Boxing Day – the rest of the family come on Christmas Day – because if we didn’t he’d be alone all week. It wasn’t so bad when the children were young and we could usher him out at their bedtime. now they’re older, it’s more difficult. and I just know he’s going to take my husband’s being sober as a personal insult he has to do something about.

Suzie says:

Your problem lies in taking responsibility for his being alone if you don’t have him over. If he was on his own that would be entirely his own responsibility, not yours, and the natural consequences of his choice to be a drunk rather than a husband and a father. The more you step in to rescue him, the less reason he has to ever face up to his behaviour and change it. Why not be straight with him? Tell him, face to face or on the phone, or write him a letter. Say you know that he’s your children’s grandfather and you owe it to them to have a relationship, but not if that relationship is going to be destructive and distressing to them. Encourage your husband to back you up – he’s taken the step to leave alcohol behind because he knew from personal experience how destructive it was. If his father could do the same, then he’d be very welcome. If not, then he’s not.