Real Life Mum, we need therapy!
Radhika Sanghani was so fed up arguing with her mother that she decided to hire a therapist to mediate. So did it help to stop all the rows?
The words came out of my mouth without me really registering them, ‘mum, do you even like me?’
I could hardly believe I’d uttered them. My mother, Naina, and I have always been so close – she’s been my best friend and greatest role model.
A truly devoted mother, she always put my needs first, despite holding down a full-time job in property. So how had we come to this?
Two months ago, after yet another row, I found myself posing this question, not knowing how she might respond.
She stared at me, confused and sad, and replied, ‘Of course I love you, but sometimes I just don’t understand you.’ Like so many mothers and daughters of our generations – I’m 28 and firmly in the liberal, millennial camp; my mum is 58 and has a traditional outlook – modern life is clearly coming between us.
Baby Boomers (those in their 50s and 60s) and millennials (in their 20s and 30s) are the most divided generations ever. According to new research, 60% of millennials think their elders ‘had it easy’ in terms of job security and home ownership.
Generation gap
And my mum’s generation don’t rate us too highly either. In a recent study, 63% of bosses claimed millennials are a nightmare to employ because they require more guidance than any other age group.
I know, without a doubt, that Mum will always be there for me. I ran to her in tears when I didn’t get into my university of choice, when I had my first proper break-up, and when I was turned down for my dream job. Even now, I know all I have to do when things are bad is pick up the phone and Mum will comfort me.
But I’m also aware that almost every family gathering leads to a quarrel. Mum can’t understand my decision to leave my previous, stable job to become a freelance writer. While I have now managed to buy my own flat, I’m nowhere near getting married or having a baby. This is something Mum just cannot understand. Then there are our political differences. I know she’ll never be as liberal as me.
Experts say a growing number of mothers and daughters are turning to joint therapy – just as a couple might seek help from a marriage counsellor – to try to overcome the generational gap. So would that help us? I came across psychotherapist David Keighley, of Therapy Retreats, who has hosted retreats for couples, individuals and families in Hampshire for many years. I thought it was worth a try. Lately, he has seen a steady number of mothers and daughters signing up.
Like any good millennial, I’m no stranger to therapy. My stoic mum was less keen – although when she saw we’d be staying in a quaint B&B in the picturesque village of Droxford, Hampshire, she had a change of heart.
The idea was to stay for three days and
‘I know she’ll never be as liberal as me’
have a three-hour therapy session every day – plus homework. Our first one was about identifying problems and what we wanted to change. We were both nervous, and it was awkward to be so open.
We fell at the first hurdle, instantly disagreeing about why we argue. It ended with me snapping at my mum. She rolled her eyes at David, saying, ‘See?’ It was obvious we had serious communication difficulties. Our homework that night, after dinner, was to have a 20-minute co-counselling session alone. We’d counsel each other without a therapist, each taking turns to speak for five minutes, with no cross replies or interruptions.
learning to listen
I jumped at the chance to tell my mum how it feels when she criticises my life choices.
For the first time in years, she had to listen properly without snapping. She said that was never her intention, and that what I perceived as criticism was her way of giving me honest advice. Rather than keep trying to make my mum see my point, I needed to accept that her age meant she would always see things differently to me. David told us we both needed to learn to listen.
After a guided meditation session, my mum and I noticed an immediate benefit: we were too calm to argue. By day three, our relationship felt better. Our differences made me more compassionate towards her – and ‘compassion’ was a word David was keen for us to focus on. Hearing our problems summed up in those few words was powerful.
Things have already improved. We’re treating each other more like adults instead of falling into old habits. I know it’s not going to be easy – my attempts to navigate on the drive home almost took us back to square one – but I’m so proud of my mum for sharing her feelings. If I want to have an equal and mature relationship with Mum, I’m going to have to grow up.