Married and in love but still haven’t ‘done it’!

QMy new husband and I didn’t make love fully before we married. We wanted to wait, and also I tend to freeze when lovemaking gets too intense. But even now I still don’t feel relaxed and we haven’t actually had penetrative sex yet. We love each other very much, and keep trying to ‘do it’, but though I enjoy the first steps, when it comes to intercourse I panic. How can we solve this problem?

Susan says

AYou could be suffering a kind of ‘vaginismus’, where your vaginal muscles clench when trying for penetrative sex. This is clearly a long-term problem and difficult to solve alone, but there’s a high success rate if you work with a professional. Contact cosrt.org.uk for a list of psychosexual counsellors.

Your man’s erection is not always the strongest. But why? He’s had a check-up, and there’s nothing wrong – plus, your relationship’s great. So what else can you do?

Be positive

His soft penis doesn’t mean either of you are doing anything wrong. So let go of any blame, and stay confident and supportive as you face the problem together.

Be playful

Sometimes, the stress of trying to get an erection will have exactly the opposite effect. The answer’s to play – tease, kiss, fondle – with no pressure on him to deliver.

Be original

Over time, what you like to do may end up being what you always do – and that’ll drain the excitement. New sex positions, locations or toys can breathe new life into your connection – and his erection.