Mar­ried and in love but still haven’t ‘done it’!

Woman (UK) - - Ask -

QMy new hus­band and I didn’t make love fully be­fore we mar­ried. We wanted to wait, and also I tend to freeze when love­mak­ing gets too in­tense. But even now I still don’t feel re­laxed and we haven’t ac­tu­ally had pen­e­tra­tive sex yet. We love each other very much, and keep try­ing to ‘do it’, but though I en­joy the first steps, when it comes to in­ter­course I panic. How can we solve this prob­lem?

Su­san says

AYou could be suf­fer­ing a kind of ‘vagin­is­mus’, where your vagi­nal mus­cles clench when try­ing for pen­e­tra­tive sex. This is clearly a long-term prob­lem and dif­fi­cult to solve alone, but there’s a high suc­cess rate if you work with a pro­fes­sional. Con­tact cosrt.org.uk for a list of psy­cho­sex­ual coun­sel­lors.

Your man’s erec­tion is not al­ways the strong­est. But why? He’s had a check-up, and there’s noth­ing wrong – plus, your re­la­tion­ship’s great. So what else can you do?

Be pos­i­tive

His soft pe­nis doesn’t mean ei­ther of you are do­ing any­thing wrong. So let go of any blame, and stay con­fi­dent and sup­port­ive as you face the prob­lem to­gether.

Be play­ful

Some­times, the stress of try­ing to get an erec­tion will have ex­actly the op­po­site ef­fect. The an­swer’s to play – tease, kiss, fon­dle – with no pres­sure on him to de­liver.

Be orig­i­nal

Over time, what you like to do may end up be­ing what you al­ways do – and that’ll drain the ex­cite­ment. New sex po­si­tions, lo­ca­tions or toys can breathe new life into your con­nec­tion – and his erec­tion.

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