Jeff Brazier: ‘I have regrets over how I’ve brought them up’
Jeff Brazier is a role model for parents after taking over the care of his sons, Bobby, 14, and Freddy, 12, following the death of their mum, Jade Goody, in 2009. He’s shielded them from the public eye as best he can, and used his experiences to help othe
Jeff, we know you as a TV presenter, so why did you become a life coach?
I wanted to build on the poor GCSES I got because I thought I was going to be a professional footballer. A few years ago I had some life coaching after an ex-girlfriend insisted that I tried it. At the end of an hour with this coach, I’d gone from going around in circles to having a clear and definite plan for my career. I walked out thinking, ‘What on earth did she do? It’s like magic!’ So I decided to train myself.
You’ve written a book about bereavement because you’ve lost so many people, including the father you never knew Stephen Faldo, captain of the Marchioness pleasure boat, who died when it sank in 1989...
I didn’t know he existed. When my mother told me about him four years after he’d died [Jeff had assumed his stepfather was his father] and asked if I wanted to meet my grandparents, I had a decision to make: am I upset or am I excited? It didn’t take me long to realise I couldn’t miss what I didn’t have. But it’s a shame because I would have liked to have met him.
It’s been eight years since Jade died. Do your boys still get upset?
Yes, sometimes. They miss their mum most when things aren’t going well for them. That’s the gut-wrenching thing about bereavement. It’s just an indisputable fact that their lives would be so much better if Jade were here.
How do you all remember Jade?
We have Mum’s Day once a month, where we do a big activity and dedicate it to Jade. I also set out old magazines that have stories about Jade in them; they can look if they want to, and at bedtime I’ll ask if they want to chat about it. It’s my job to keep their account of memories of their mum topped up. Not all the stories about Jade are suitable – some magazines are in a drawer that will be available to them as adults if they should wish to view them.
Your boys think Jade is a butterfly now, is that right?
Freddy does, yes. During a lesson on the afterlife at school he seized the opportunity to tell everyone he thinks his mum is a butterfly, and his teacher congratulated him on his bravery and asked him to draw the butterfly, which she put above her desk.
Do you believe in the afterlife?
I don’t, although I’m happy for my children to believe anything that brings them comfort.
Do you have regrets about how you’ve brought up the boys?
Yes, I do. I never did a ‘memory jar’ – where you write down memories of the person you’ve lost to collect in a jar. I’ve met people who made them and I’m like, ‘I could have done a memory jar. What have I done?!’ and then I was like, ‘Forgive yourself for not doing everything perfectly at the perfect moment.’
You’ve said you lost some of your identity when Jade died...
When Jade died I made my world really small – I was so fearful of not coping, that if something had gone wrong when I was out it would have upset me. So for about five years I did lose a bit of myself. But now, when the boys want to spend Saturday night with their mates, it gives me permission to think, ‘What shall I do tonight?’ I’m reconnecting with friendships that have gone by the wayside.
What makes you proud of the boys?
Seeing the way Freddy is with children and animals – he has so much empathy. What I try to do is to help him see it – self-doubt is common in bereaved children. And I feel proud when Bobby’s teachers tell me what a pleasure he is to teach.
You’ve said Bobby wants to get into TV. How do you feel about that?
I’d want him to have a skill and not just be a personality. Even if it’s TV presenting – Bobby would be good at that. But I don’t control things when it comes to choosing careers. They’ll
have to find their own path.
Do you work out a lot? I’ve learnt it’s good to have goals, and I’ve signed up to a charity bike ride through Kerala in October. I’ll probably end up being fitter than I’ve ever been in my life.
You have been with your girlfriend, PR Kate Dwyer, for three years. Would you like to get married?
I would love to experience marriage, because, growing up, marriage didn’t work out so well for anyone I knew. I think that leaves something on you, but I’m intrigued by what it might be like, so yes, I’d like to.
When and where?
Kate and I have talked about it and we could imagine Portugal, because we visit there a lot and her parents have a place there – it’s beautiful. But there’s no time frame at present.
On remembering ‘We do Mum’s Day once a month’