The way I see it: I’m a better parent now I’m a single mum
Sarah Thompson, 42, says her separation benefitted the whole family – especially the kids
Late Sunday evening, and there’s a heap of laundry to iron, school bags to be packed and a bulging bin bag that needs to be heaved outside – all the usual tasks I’ll have to do on my own. Such is the life of a single parent. But snuggling on the sofa with my children, Stanley, 11, and Betty, eight, and seeing how content they look, I wouldn’t change
our set-up for the world.
I’d never expected to become a single parent. If you’d told me when I first met my husband in 2001 that we wouldn’t be together forever, I’d have been horrified. I believed that I needed a pictureperfect family to be happy. When I discovered I was pregnant, in May 2006, I was delighted. It wasn’t exactly planned, but when I told my husband he smiled and hugged me, telling me he was delighted too.
We moved in with my sister in Dorset until we found our own house, and in November 2006, our little boy Stanley arrived. Holding him in my arms, I’d never felt a love so intense. Looking at my husband, I knew he felt it too.
A year later we married, and in December 2008 Betty was born.
‘I believed you needed a pictureperfect family’
‘I now embrace my life as a single mother’
I loved being a mum, but the pressures of raising a family revealed cracks in my marriage.
Moving on
Childcare became a tag team affair, as my husband took the kids out for the day so I could concentrate on my work as a journalist. Gradually, we started spending less time together. I found myself struggling to mask frustrations, not communicating and simply barking orders.
I was in a constant state of exasperation, forever nagging the kids. This wasn’t me. This wasn’t the mother I wanted to be.
The kids picked up on the tension between me and their dad. They heard my shouting, and witnessed our sour stand-offs. The breaking point came in November 2014, when I finally realised just how miserable we were. Sitting my husband down, I explained how unhappy I was, and how I didn’t think we should carry on.
We tried to make the split amicable. He moved to a house just around the corner, and we arranged a loose routine of visits and school pick-ups.
I was sad but relieved to be away from the pressure cooker of conflict. But watching the tears well in my children’s eyes as I told them was heartbreaking. ‘But why can’t you just say sorry?’ pleaded Stanley. How could I explain to my eight-year-old why I didn’t love his daddy any more?
Breaking the news to friends revealed the stigma of becoming a single mum. ‘I’m sorry’ seemed to be the universal response, as if I’d failed.
Soon, the dinner party invitations started to dry up, and instead I saw
my married friends without their other halves, over coffee or a quick lunch.
I hated to talk about my ‘children’s father’ to strangers. And when my mother proclaimed: ‘But who will want you now with two children?’ I realised the challenges of being a single mum went beyond logistics.
Although I’ll admit I felt lost in the initial wake of the break-up, slowly, as the months rolled by, Stanley, Betty and I found a new rhythm.
Without the distractions of an unhappy marriage, I had more time and energy to connect with my kids.
I became sillier, allowing myself to get involved in their crazy games of ‘lightsaber tennis’ and ‘the floor is lava!’. Every day, I was becoming a stronger, happier and more organised version of my former self. For the first time my children were getting to know the real me. They finally saw me as an individual, a whole person. It taught me the most valuable lesson – you don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy. And that’s why, if Betty were to ever find herself in a crumbling marriage, I’d tell her to leave immediately. Being a single parent is far better than staying in a relationship that isn’t working.
My ex still sees the kids regularly. And we do Christmases and school assemblies together. He has a new partner now, as do I. Though I’m enjoying being in a loving relationship again, I doubt I’ll ever get remarried.
I’m happy to embrace my life as a single mother. If being a parent means setting a good example, I can’t think of a better one than becoming a single mum. That determination and strength is exactly what I want to instil in my daughter.