‘I didn’t feel it was a problem’
Emma Pearce, 34, lives in St Austell, Cornwall, with her partner Allan Blake, 28, and their ninemonth-old son, Archie.
The moment I saw Allan, I fancied him. It was 2011, and we met at the pub where I worked. After weeks of flirting, I asked him around for dinner.
Sex on the first date wasn’t normally my style, but with Allan I couldn’t control myself. We’d barely finished our mains before we were ripping each other’s clothes off.
Physically Allan was everything I liked: tall, dark, with strong shoulders.
The sex was amazing. Then when he brought me a cup of tea in bed the next morning, I knew he was a keeper.
Every night after, we made love. Some days we never got out of bed!
Outside of the bedroom, Allan was so lovely too, leaving me sweet notes around the flat and buying me little presents like magazines and chocolate. Within a month he’d moved in. ‘That’s a bit fast, isn’t it?’ my friend commented when I told her, but I was too besotted to care. Allan was my main priority now.
Although I knew he adored me, I worried about the honeymoon period ending. Neither of us really knew where the relationship was headed, but that seemed to make the sex even more enjoyable, like we needed to make the most of it while it lasted.
But as we became more secure, our raunchy evenings were replaced with quiet nights cuddled up on the sofa watching films. By the time we
hit the one-year mark in December 2012, we were barely making love at all – once a month at the most.
It was me who lost interest. Allan still made the moves, but now that I knew he was mine I didn’t feel like I had to keep him interested.
It sounds bad, but sex with Allan wasn’t new and exciting any more. We were never apart, so there was no need to dress up or even go out on dates. We’d fallen into a comfy routine. I found more pleasure in the intimate things, like the way he wrapped his arms round me in bed.
We never discussed our sex life, so I didn’t think it was a problem until Allan turned away from me one night.
‘What’s the matter?’ I asked. Finally he admitted that my rebuffs had left him feeling unloved and unattractive.
I’d had no idea that’s how he felt. ‘Of course I fancy you!’ I said. ‘I love you.’ Although I felt satisfied with cuddling, I realised Allan needed more.
We made an effort to be romantic again. After he got back from his job as a gardener, Allan would cook us a nice meal, and I wore sexy undies.
Although we never got back to the same level as those early lust-filled days, it was better than before. I felt more connected to Allan, and he was happier. I’d underestimated how important sex was to a relationship.
Our sex life continued to peak and plummet over the years. It was natural. But we kept communicating.
Then in 2016 we decided to try for a family. That May, I fell pregnant, and that kick-started our sex life. But after our son Archie arrived in December 2016, sex fell to the backburner. That’s fine. I know it’ll pick up eventually.
Because that’s the thing about sex and relationships, it’s a rollercoaster. I don’t think it’s a bad sign if your sex life goes off the boil a year in.
It’s not a reflection of your love. Your relationship has moved on to a new stage. But it’s easy to take each other for granted, which is a mistake.
It’s not all about sex, but you can’t let it slide. The secret is balance.
‘I finally realised he needed more than just the cuddling’