You’ll never believe it: Was my weight going to hurt my son?
Turning the corner into the playground, I gave my son, Noah, four, a big smile. ‘Are you excited?’ I asked, and he gave an enthusiastic nod in response.
Today was his first day in Reception, another milestone – but, looking around, I came to a horrifying realisation. Unlike the other mums – who looked chic and slim in active-wear or jeans and nice tops – I’d opted for an old, black maternity sweatshirt and jeggings. Even then, the baggy and stretchy fabric couldn’t hide my true size. At 18st and a size 24, I was by far the biggest mum in the whole school.
As I said goodbye to Noah, I pulled at my top, hoping it would cover more of my bum. But as embarrassed as I felt, it didn’t compare to how scared
I was for my little boy. What if my weight ruined his first day? I knew first hand that children can be cruel.
Joking around
By the time I was 15 I wore a size 18, and asked my parents to help me to diet. But with no willpower, nothing ever worked, and growing up I tried my best to make light of my weight.
I’d shout out things like ‘look out, big girl running’ during PE classes, figuring I’d rather have the bullies laughing with me, than at me. Yet it didn’t stop me getting the cruel taunts or sideways glances.
After leaving school, my weight continued to creep up. I got a job in an office and, in 2006, I met Lisa, then 33. She had two girls from a previous relationship, and we married in July 2010, when I was 26. I was the happiest I’d ever been, but my weight continued to soar.
In September 2014, I gave birth to Noah. Doctors diagnosed a hearing problem but he was otherwise perfectly healthy and I relished being a mum. Only, after I gave birth to our daughter, Eden, in July 2017, I hit my heaviest weight of 18st. I never felt particularly confident in my shape and size, but being 5ft 2in made me feel like I was practically round.
Lisa worked full time and I was happy as a stay-at-home mum – but, with no adult eyes on me, I would snack continuously throughout the day.
If we went to the supermarket, I’d buy something from the bakery, usually doughnuts, and scoff at least three while I shopped. On days when I took the kids to the park, I wished I could be like the other parents, racing around after their youngsters. Instead, I’d keep an eye on them from a nearby bench, sneakily finishing off a bag of cookies so other parents couldn’t see.
Hidden extras
At meal times, while the kids would get a proper dinner, Lisa and I would settle for a ready-made lasagne or pizza. Then, once the kids were in bed, I’d sneak off to the kitchen, when I thought Lisa hadn’t noticed, hiding behind the cupboard doors to sneak biscuits or chocolate bars. I wasn’t
proud of it, but I couldn’t stop and had no incentive to.
That was until September 2018, Noah’s first day of school. We spent the morning snapping photos of him looking proud in his uniform, and I tried every angle to look my best.
Photo shame
‘Why don’t you stand in front of Mummy?’ I said eventually. But when Lisa showed me how they looked, I deleted the photos that had me in.
By the time we reached the school gates, I didn’t feel any better – but it was Noah I was concerned for. He already had two mummies and hearing aids – things that made him different from most of his would-be classmates – the last thing he needed was to be teased about his fat mum, too.
I couldn’t control what kids would say about the other things, but I could change the way I looked.
It took me a while to build up the courage – but, finally, in January 2019, Lisa and I signed up to Slimming World.
The night before our first weigh-in, we ate almost everything we craved.
‘This is it. Our last hurrah,’ I said to her, surrounded by empty sweet and biscuit wrappers.
At that first weigh-in, I was 16st 7lb and a size 22. While I didn’t know what weight I wanted to be, I knew I wanted to be a size 12, and set that as my target. Lisa and I filled our fridge with healthy foods, our cupboards with plenty of passata, cans of beans, and pasta, and read our member books cover to cover.
I began cooking Slimming World meals from scratch, rather than using jars of sauces, and even found recipes the kids enjoyed, such as Mediterranean chicken risotto.
After the first two weeks, I lost 1st, which spurred me on. And though I knew Slimming World would allow us to still enjoy the things we loved, I knew that if I even had so much as a nibble of a biscuit, I’d fall off track.
‘I’m cutting sugar out altogether, too,’ I vowed – and, amazingly, I stuck to that promise, swapping my usual biscuits as an afternoon snack for carrot sticks.
Even Noah started asking me about what foods were healthy or not as we shopped. And if he caught me staring at sweets, he’d be quick to tell me off.
‘That’s not good for you, Mummy,’ he’d say, and I had to put them down immediately. With support from the kids, Lisa, and my Slimming World group, the weight continued to drop off – and, by last October, I’d hit 9st 11lb and a size 10.
I wasn’t the only success – Lisa also managed to lose 4st 7lb. I feel like a completely new woman, and am the happiest I’ve felt in myself in a long time. While our eating habits and attitudes to food have been changed forever, I think it’s made me a better mum, too.
Instead of asking the kids to watch a film or stay indoors, we enjoy going for bike rides, and I love being able to chase them around the park, instead of being sat on the bench.
Most importantly, when it comes time for Eden to start nursery in September, I won’t be worrying about how I look. Rather, I’ll wave her off proudly, and just enjoy that special moment like any mum should.