From the heart: Thank you, Mum
With Mother’s Day approaching, two women reveal why they appreciate the amazing women in their life
‘MUM NEVER LET US SEE HOW DIFFICULT LIFE WAS FOR HER’
Effie Dower, 33, is the founder of babyclothing company Sleep Thief. She lives in north London and wants to say thank you to her mum, Rhodope Kostalas, 60. Full of excitement, I could barely stand still as we queued at security, waiting to have our bags checked before we boarded the plane. It was 1997 and we were heading to Cyprus on our family holiday. Like a typical 11-year-old child, I couldn’t wait. ‘Stand still, you’re tiring me out,’ Mum laughed, balancing bags full of our passports and holiday documents on her lap as she wheeled herself towards the metal detectors.
Mum was born with spina bifida – a severe curvature of the spine – but growing up, she managed relatively well. It was only when she fell pregnant with my older brother that her condition really started to affect her movement. Four years later, when she fell pregnant with me, she was told that she risked her life carrying me to full term. Mum was determined to have another baby – and, thankfully, I was born safely, but the pressure of the pregnancy had taken its toll on Mum’s body. Her knees were much weaker, having had to carry so much extra weight, and she had an extremely pronounced limp.
‘Help me up, Effie,’ she’d say, and I’d hold out my hands and grasp hold tight if Mum needed to get up off the sofa.
Dad worked as a sea captain, sometimes he’d be away for over a year.
So Mum would be left looking after my brother and me, all while trying to manage her disability.
Pushing on
Then, when I turned 10, Mum’s condition worsened. The cartilage in her knees snapped and Mum was told she’d never walk again. But to be honest, with Mum in a wheelchair full-time, I barely noticed a change. She was determined to do everything we’d done before.
We’d still go on holiday together as a three – even though, looking back now, I realise how daunting the process of going through security and then travelling in a foreign country must have been.
She even carried on her job in administration and made time to take my brother and me out at weekends. And at home, while we helped out a little with the cooking and cleaning, Mum would still do most of the household chores.
An incredible parent
My brother and I left home in our late teens, and it was only then I realised just how much Mum had hidden. When I was 19, she admitted to me that her disability had led to her becoming depressed. ‘It’s so frustrating that I can’t just get up and dance like I used to,’ she revealed. It was then that it really hit me just how incredible Mum was. She’d not let us miss out on one single experience, never once blamed her disability for anything, and never, ever made my brother or me feel like we needed to look after her in any way. ‘I’m in awe of you,’ I told her. She continues to inspire me. She’s set up a new business, Meditation with Rhodope, and her strength is remarkable. Mum is the reason I set up my company, I see what she’s achieved and want to be just like her. She’s not just my mum, she’s my role model. sleepthiefbaby.com
‘She didn’t once blame her disability’
‘I WILL FOREVER BE GRATEFUL’
Amber Leach, 39, lives in Plymouth with her husband, her daughters, Liberty, 12, and Ruah, one, and her stepson, eight. She wants to say thank you to her mum, Maxine, 62. Watching my mum, I was in awe. She was teaching a film workshop to hundreds of people who were gathered around, hanging onto her every word. ‘This is incredible,’ I thought, then I looked up at my mum, her face animated, and everyone seemed captivated.
Mum was an artist, and I loved it when she brought me and my two brothers to festivals like this one. In the evening, she’d put on a light show and I’d gaze openmouthed. I knew when I went back to school on Monday, no one else in class would have had the weekend that I’d had.
It had always been me, mum and my brothers. My mum and dad split up back when I was still a toddler. Mum remarried, but the relationship broke down after a couple of years – we didn’t have a consistent father figure and, to be honest, we didn’t need one.
As my mum was the only one bringing in an income, we didn’t have much money, but that didn’t stop her from making sure that we had everything we ever needed. ‘Let’s try a dance class,’ she’d say, and off we’d all go, trying out contemporary dance workshops. That was the thing about Mum, she was always encouraging us to have a go at new experiences. ‘I think I’d like to learn the clarinet,’ I said one day. Next thing I knew, she’d bought a clarinet and enrolled me in lessons.
Always on the go
At weekends, we’d be at art or music festivals with Mum, camping out in a tent, or we’d head into London to see the sights. ‘You can be anything you want to be,’ I’d always remember Mum telling us. But she was never pushy. If we didn’t take to something, Mum would never force us to stick at it, instead she’d simply move on and come up with new ideas. She never seemed too tired to take us to places, and now, when I think back, I realise how she must have been constantly ferrying us back and forth, taking us on days out as a family to the beach, local animal sanctuaries or camping in the school holidays. If she did ever feel tired, or lonely, she never let it show.
One of my most poignant memories of Mum is her self-made dark room that she created in the spare bathroom. I used to love sitting in there, quietly watching her develop photographs, and I’m sure that in some subconscious way, that inspired my decision to go on to become a professional wedding photographer.
Now I’m a mum myself – and for seven years I was a single parent, just like Mum was. It made me appreciate what she did for me and my brothers even more.
The best teacher
Sometimes, when I’m exhausted after a long day taking care of the kids, and all I’m craving is a bit of peace and quiet and a glass of wine, I realise how Mum must have felt, even if I never saw any evidence of that. But instead of pushing us away, she’d get out paints and brushes, or let us help cook. Even now, she gives up so much of her time for my children, Liberty, 12, and Ruah, one. She even tutored Liberty through her 11-plus examinations – she just has so much patience. Parenting certainly isn’t easy, but my mum taught me to be the very best mum that I can be, and for that I will forever be grateful.
‘It made me appreciate what she did even more’