How can I get him to talk about this?
Dear Keren
My husband, who I’ve been married to for almost 40 years, is looking at male porn sites while I’m asleep in bed. These sites are men with men. At no time in our marriage have I known him to have these leanings. Despite me catching him looking at them (when
I come down for a drink), he refuses to stop or to talk about it.
Name and address withheld
It’s very easy to get caught up with the content when confronted with a partner watching pornography. The fact he’s looking at men does not mean that is his inclination for a real sexual relationship. Your husband has chosen to do this to meet some unmet need in his ‘real’ life and it appears he has developed an addictive habit to meet these needs. This is not related to you or the relationship.
When we are sexually aroused, we produce dopamine in an area of our brain responsible for emotion and learning. It gives us a sharp focus and sense of craving. The dopamine triggers other chemical reactions and we get a heightened sense of excitement followed by a sense of calm. Whenever he looks at the pornographic material, he gets the same reaction and becomes aroused. It sounds like he may have become addicted.
It’s very similar to someone becoming addicted to alcohol. When we’re addicted to something, we do it for ourselves not to hurt others.
Stopping any addiction is hard which is why I expect your husband doesn’t want to talk about it. Also, if he talks to you, he’ll have to hear how hurt you are and that isn’t his intention.
If your husband won’t discuss it with you, I think it may be helpful for you to talk to a therapist who’s trained in addiction or sexual problems, as they can help you to think through the situation. They’ll explore with you how to talk to your husband. Ideally, of course, it would be better if you both went, but that may take time so start with getting some help for yourself.