It’s A Funny Old World:
Caroline Buchanan
Ever had issues with your partner when you’re going round in circles, repeating requests endlessly, and they still don’t hear you? And then they accuse you of nagging. The cheek of it!
‘But if you’d done as I asked,’ you say, ‘and what you did, in fact, agree to do, I wouldn’t need to repeat it!’
And suddenly, infuriatingly, you’re the one sounding like a two-year-old.
Einstein is credited with likening insanity to ‘doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result’. Time then, perhaps, to get back to basics.
Many years ago, I read a book on taming toddlers, in which the basic message was to ignore the bad and reward the good. Of course, you can’t turn a blind eye to the bad if it could be dangerous, but otherwise you do simply ignore it.
I wonder, could it work on partners? It does make enormous sense to pay attention to your other half when their behaviour is fabulous, rather than when they’re driving you crazy.
If they’re having a tantrum because you said the dreaded ‘no’ word, smile sweetly, repeat once only your reason, then walk away. Do not engage in further discussion, don’t give them more attention. If they come after you, whining and wheedling, say you love them, and go on with your day.
If and when they apologise, accept it with thanks and a big kiss. You could even add, ‘Your apology means a great deal.’
Easier said than done, you’re thinking? Yes, but the good news is that, according to the book, it gets easier each time.
Your partner might up their game to begin with because they can’t believe you’re not reacting as you used to. But stick to your guns.
Do not give in! If you do, all they’ll have learned is that they need to be even more monsterish in future in order to get their own way…
I think most of us know we can’t change anyone except ourselves. But when we do change, and we value and respect ourselves, it can encourage different behaviour in others.
A dear friend of mine, Becky, tried the toddler-taming technique on her husband. ‘He wanted us to go on a cruise, but I wasn’t at all keen,’ she says. ‘Apart from anything else, I get very seasick! We’d had so many arguments about it. Then I tried simply saying “no”, and he couldn’t believe it. He really piled on the pressure then, and said perhaps we should think about divorce! I stifled a laugh, told him I loved him dearly, but the answer was still “no”.’
I’m pleased to report the story has a happy ending. They’re flying off to the Maldives instead – a dream they’ve shared for years. Becky says he eventually accepted the ‘no’ word when he realised she really meant it.
‘I rewarded him well,’ she smiles. ‘I was a really good wife for a whole 24 hours afterwards!
‘One piece of advice, though,’ she adds. ‘Don’t do as I did and tell him about the taming technique. He’s threatening to try it out on me now!’
The 15 Minute Rule: How To Stop Procrastinating And Take Control Of
Your Life by Caroline Buchanan is available on Amazon.