Mums share story and hope for equality for couples seeking IVF
With the number of same sex parents increasing, Sarah Freeman meets one family preparing for a double celebration this Mother’s Day.
WHEN EMILY was on maternity leave with her first child, like most new mothers she occasionally flicked through the pages of Mother and Baby magazine. There were the usual tried-and-tested sections for baby equipment, as well as tips for getting newborns off to sleep, but nowhere could Emily find any reference to a family like hers.
“I guess I hadn’t thought about it before, but every article I read mentioned a mum and a dad,” says Emily, who has been married to Lisa since 2011. “It was like same sex couples didn’t exist. I was surprised, because I really thought the world had moved on.”
In the run up to Mother’s Day, the West Yorkshire couple, while reluctant to give their surname for fear of becoming the target of abuse, now want to share their story. It’s their way of redressing the balance and also giving support to other same sex couples who are thinking of having children.
“We both knew we wanted to be parents and I didn’t feel any emotional need to go through a pregnancy, so we decided that Emily would carry our child,” says Lisa who works in customer service. “We made an appointment at our GP really to ask what we should do next, but we didn’t get very far.
“We were told that it was very unlikely that we would qualify for any free cycles of IVF on the NHS because we didn’t have a fertility problem as such. I can sort of see the logic, but we did have one very big fertility problem and without IVF we couldn’t possibly have a family of our own.”
While they were not entirely surprised by their doctor’s advice, they also decided that there was no point fighting the system and on the recommendation of friends contacted CARE Fertility in Sheffield.
“We knew it was going to cost quite a bit of money, but we had some savings put aside and having children seemed like the best thing in the world to spend them on,” says Emily, who works in marketing. “By the time we went to Sheffield we had already done quite a lot of research, but I don’t think anything really prepares you for something like IVF.”
After an initial attempt to conceive through the intrauterine insemination – a less invasive form of fertility treatment – failed, Lisa and Emily decided to commence IVF.
“The first time I started bleeding after one week, which resulted in a failed attempt,” says Emily. “It’s heartbreaking, as we wanted a child so much, with our every waking thought being consumed by the treatment, constantly wondering if our dream would ever become a reality. However, we remained positive and after allowing my body to recover from the treatment we returned for our second cycle of IVF.
“The next time the clinic harvested 14 eggs, but when they rang the following day they told us only one had fertilised successfully. We were mortified, but we’re proof that all you need is one egg to have a baby.”
Emily and Lisa’s eldest son, Joseph, was born in 2014 and a few weeks ago he was joined by little brother Henry. For both pregnancies the couple used the same European sperm donor and say the decision to look abroad was purely down to the amount of personal details provided.
“In this country the information is limited to little more than what colour their eyes and hair are,” says Emily. “However, you can register with a European database where the donors have to provide much more detailed information.
“I didn’t want my children later in life being asked whether such and such a condition ran in their family and them not being able to give an answer. We know the first name of our donor, we know he works in the prison service and we also know his medical family history. We were also able to read a short character profile from the clinic where he donated the sperm and we have a photograph of him when he was seven years old.
“We know he won’t ever play a role in our children’s lives as they grow up but the gift he gave us is something we are eternally grateful for. Our boys are so perfect and we thank our lucky stars each and every day.”
Emily and Lisa say they have spent in excess of £20,000 on their dream to have a family, but are aware that it’s an option which remains financially prohibitive for many.
“It would be nice to think that in the future there would be equality when it comes to the fertility treatment available to couples like us,” says Lisa.
“I am not sure what we would have done had we not been able to afford IVF treatment. Both of us wanted so much to be mums.”
According to latest figures from the Office of National Statistics, in Britain there are currently 145,000 same-sex couples cohabiting or in a civil partnership – 21,000 of whom have dependent children. With the numbers growing, it also means that clinics like CARE Fertility are in need of willing sperm donors.
“All we ask of donors is that they are between the ages of 18 and 41 and generally fit and healthy, with no known history of genetic disorders,” says a spokesman for CARE Fertility.
“After an initial assessment we ask all those going forward to donation to complete a detailed medical history form and we also recommend counselling just to talk about any ethical and legal issues.”
Three of Emily’s embryos have been frozen, giving them the chance of further IVF cycles, but the couple are almost 100 per cent that their family is already complete.
“Back in 2005 when I told people I was with Lisa I know that most thought that would mean I would miss out on the chance of getting married and having a family of my own” says Emily. “I am really proud that Lisa and I have achieved so much.”