IS HE AN OVERGROWN BABY?

by the children’s TV channel Nickelodeon UK found that men reach maturity 11 years later than women do: women felt they were fully mature at 32, men at 43. In fact, men were twice as likely to describe themselves as ‘immature’. Almost half of the women questioned said they’d been in a relationship where they’d had to ‘mother’ their partner, while one in three had ended a relationship because of it.

The recent breakdown of Johnny Depp’s marriage to Amber Heard gave a brief glimpse into life with a man who has never had to grow up. The clues were already there: Johnny’s preference for playing wild, fantastical characters in children’s films (Jack Sparrow, Willy Wonka, Mad Hatter); his struggles with alcohol, substance abuse and what he has called his ‘hillbilly rage’; the rock band, Hollywood Vampires, he formed last year (aged 52); Amber’s bruised face. None of it quite adds up to a picture of a fully fledged adult.

But the leaked alleged text exchange between Amber and Johnny’s assistant Stephen Deuters suggests Johnny has been able to do what he likes, have his way and behave like a child for years – with a team on hand to help smooth his path. Stephen apparently negotiates, apologises and begs when it comes to his boss’s alleged bad behaviour. Amber writes, ‘He’s done this many times before. Tokyo, the island, London (remember that?!), and I always stay. Always believe he’s going to get better...And then every 3 or so month [sic], I’m in the exact same position.’ Stephen writes, ‘He was appalled. When I told him he kicked you, he cried….He’s a little lost boy. And needs all the help he can get…’

A ‘little lost boy’. But what does it mean to be married to someone who has failed to grow up? He may hold down a job, own a house, have all the trappings of a responsible adult – but below the surface, emotionally, he’s still a child. So how TYPICAL SIGNS THAT HE IS EMOTIONALLY STUNTED He never puts your needs first… unless it suits him to. He plays the victim. He blames his problems on others and rarely looks inward. It’s never his fault; it’s yours, his boss’s, the other driver’s, all part of a giant global conspiracy against him. He is always looking for the next high. Whether it’s a fast car, line of cocaine or an extreme sport. He is irresponsible and lacks self-control. This may show up in debt, an unrealistic career path, temper tantrums, binge drinking or inappropriate behaviour at family gatherings. He is highly sensitive to things done to him, but blind to anything he does to others. You have to accept him for who he is but he won’t accept you for who you are. He doesn’t see things through. You know how children are enthused by an idea and then lose interest? An adult persists with a project even when it’s no longer new, delaying gratification for the bigger picture. He avoids confrontation. An overgrown child dislikes being ‘ticked off’ (as they see it) and will do anything to sidestep it – even leaving the house and slamming the door. He’s unfaithful. His constant need for approval means that if the current relationship has moved past the lust stage, he may look elsewhere. can you recognise the signs?

‘The big test of maturity is whether your partner can tolerate frustration,’ says psychotherapist Wendy Bristow. ‘What is he like when things don’t go his way?’

In theory, it’s something we should learn as children. ‘Toddlers are famous for having tantrums,’ says Bristow. ‘Very young children tend to be self- centred and self-absorbed. They demand special treatment and have yet to develop empathy for others. Even if you haven’t managed to grow out of that stage by two years old, there are plenty more chances during childhood.’

Parenting is critical. ‘If parents helicopter in and sort things out whenever the tiniest frown appears on your face, you’ll be less practised in coping with life’s frustrations and managing your emotions,’ says Bristow. ‘If you never learn to master them, you may be fun and a breath of fresh air when all goes well, but when it doesn’t, you may fall back on tantrums, sulks, drinking, reckless destruction, manipulation – and it’s always, always someone else’s fault.’

Relationships tend to bring all this to the surface. If you’re single, you can glide through life on your own terms, fulfilling your own needs, in control of your own time. You’ll probably appear utterly charming. When you’re married, however, you have someone else to consider.

‘If you’re emotionally stunted, you cannot perceive that others have minds of their own that can think and feel differently from yours,’ says psychologist and specialist in emotional literacy Dr Betty Rudd. ‘You can be judgmental, self-absorbed, controlling, selfish and defensive. You’re like the very young, who become distressed if their gratification is delayed