WHY WON’T MY IN-LAWS LISTEN?

My in-laws have a 7ft-deep pond in their garden, which is hidden from view of the house. We have a one-year-old daughter who is just starting to walk. My husband asked his mother if they could cover the pond when we visit them, but she took offence and was almost in tears. They said a cover would be expensive and that they have hardly seen their grandchild recently. This was not my fault; I was trying not to impose on them when they were going through a period of ill health. I have a good relationship with them but I am struggling to accept the decision when they could easily afford the cost. It takes just moments for a small child to drown. It is causing endless arguments between my husband and me as he won’t address it with his parents because he doesn’t want to upset them. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to upset you further, but can you imagine standing round the pond with your in-laws, all in tears because your little girl has drowned and your parents-in-law sobbing: ‘If only we had bought a cover’? It would be best if you and your husband could talk to his parents together – they sound resentful and they could be making a point. Maybe there is an unexplained misunderstanding. Perhaps they have felt that there were other reasons why they were not seeing as much of their grandchild as they would like and did not understand that you were being kind and thinking of them. So explain this to them. But also stress the risks of drowning and ask them to make the pond safe. You say they can afford it, but could you offer a small contribution which might help them to understand your concern themselves? Their home would not be safe unless the pond is covered. or I have arguments with her he says ridiculous things like: ‘I am going to tell my support worker about you,’ ignoring the fact that his intervention means everything gets out of hand. My mother is becoming even angrier and blaming everyone else – she even locked me out of the house last weekend. She is always shouting, so the neighbours know all our business. I wish I could stop my brother behaving like a baby. Your mother sounds volatile, perhaps because she is stressed out and probably exhausted and frustrated, too. It may not be possible to change your brother’s behaviour if intellectually he can’t appreciate the effect his intervention is having. It would be better not to argue in front of him, so if your mother starts, respond gently and try to change the subject. I think you would be happier if you left home. If this is difficult financially, find out if you would be entitled to council accommodation or flat-share with other people. Try Easyroommate (uk.easyroommate.com). It also sounds as though your mother needs more help, so contact Carers UK (carersuk.org) for advice and support for all of you.