DEAR ZELDA Your problems answered

My beloved second wife and I have been happily married for 12 years. When we got together, my two sons were in their late teens and her two children slightly younger. There has always been tension between my wife and my sons. I think they resented everyone moving into our house, but this was because it was bigger than hers. Also, I had dogs, chickens and goats, and my stepchildren (who I am very close to) loved them. Things were improving, until one of my sons bad-mouthed my wife to her colleagues. She was absolutely furious when they told her and demanded that I ‘sort him out’. His fiancée has said that my wife is stirring up trouble between my son and me. He is getting married in November and has not invited my wife or her children to the wedding. This is causing terrible friction. If I did not attend the service, I would regret it for the rest of my life. My wife has agreed that I can go, but not to the reception. My son is upset about this, but I see no way of going to the reception without destroying my relationship with my wife. I love my wife and my son and this is going to hurt one of them very badly. Your son should not be putting you in this position of having to choose between him and your wife – and he should have invited all of you to the wedding. However, your wife should also be more understanding (despite the past) and realise how devastating it would be for you to miss your son’s wedding reception. You describe your marriage as loving and strong, so your wife should support you in this, while you should also acknowledge how hurt she is. Ask her to imagine the situation the other way round – how would she feel if you had implied that your relationship would end if she went to the wedding reception of one of her children? Talk to your son: tell him that you understand how angry he is and ask him if he could invite his stepmother and her children for your sake (even if she is now so angry that she refuses). If it were me, I could not hurt my child by not going to their wedding. It is such a sad situation. Could you arrange a meeting between them both – with you and another trusted family member present as peacemakers – to help them sort out their differences? Explain to them that you love them both so much and that it is agony for you to see them at war.