DEAR ZELDA

Your problems answered

I’M WORRIED THAT MY SON’S CHILDHOOD HAS DAMAGED HIM

My 37-year-old son, who has a good job and is both charismatic and attractive, has developed very antisocial traits. He is unmarried and has had a string of girlfriends, but has pushed some of them into taking out loans of £2,000 for him, which he denies. He blames this behaviour on his childhood. His father left me for another woman when he was four. I married again when he was six, but this man was physically abusive towards both of us and I divorced him. So by the time he was ten, I was a single parent to him and his two-year-old sister, and worked full-time as a nurse. My son has a two-year-old child with a woman he promised he would marry, but then left. He does see his son, but often lets him down. He is in a new relationship and recently I have had no contact with him. How can I encourage him to change? This is very hard for you. Your son’s childhood can’t have been easy with his father leaving and then having an abusive stepfather, but you cannot be blamed for these things. You have done your best to bring up both of your children and worked hard to support them. Sadly, it sounds as though he is taking advantage of his good looks and charm to attract girlfriends, but then becomes controlling when he has got what he wants – sex and money, it seems – and moves on to the next one. Talk to your son. Tell him you love him and that you tried to do your best when bringing him up. Say that even if he feels damaged by his childhood, this does not mean he should take advantage of the women he gets involved with. Explain how important it is to be loving towards his son and see him consistently. If not, this could damage his son’s childhood as well as his relationship with him. Try to see your grandson as much as possible, too. Contact Family Lives (0808 800 2222, familylives.org.uk) for more support.