LIZ JONES’S DIARY

In which I hold my tongue – over text, at least

TELL ME WHAT you think of this (virtual) conversation. Him: ‘Hello my darling. Isn’t this typical: on one of the rare occasions that I plan to go out and do something nice – lunch with my son – I can’t. London is closed due to a bike race! Ahhhh. So just spent two hours in the car and didn’t even make it north of the river. I’ll try again next week. X’ Me: ‘Rare? You’re always doing nice things! Tube? I hate cyclists. X’ Him: ‘Only when I’m with you. It was too late, I was caught up in it before I knew it was on. So do I. If I go racing round London I get a ticket. X’ Me: ‘I did the horses on my own from 6am and mowed the lawn. Have to be up at 6am to drive to Manchester tomorrow.’ Him: ‘Enjoy Manchesah. Are you doing anything interesting? X’ Me: ‘Interviewing an opera singer. Horse still in after four weeks with her leg: she’s got a collar to stop her chewing it, like a dog cone. It is a nightmare.’ Him: ‘Don’t know who I feel sorry for more, you or the horse. I know who I love more. x’ Me: ‘You are not allowed favourites.’ Him: ‘Sorry, I can’t help my feelings. Oh, and yes your article in the paper today is very funny. You’re a star. X’ Me: ‘It has been hard writing a thriller novel with no jokes. Slipped a couple in.’ Him: ‘Yes, I’m sure. Like a fish out of water. But who knows where this could lead. I’m so impatient to find out. X’ Him, again: ‘So, do you think both Michelle and Jason are leaving [ Coronation Street]?’ Me: ‘Am in London next Tuesday/Wednesday doing an interview about a new film and making a TV show if you are around?’ Him: ‘Hi, yes I am. Look forward to seeing you. You’ll stay with me? X’ Me: ‘If that’s OK. X’ Him: ‘Of course. I miss you. I need a cuddle. Xxxxxxx’

There are a few issues going on here: 1 He’s blind, or dyslexic. 2 He couldn’t get to lunch with his son on a Sunday in time as the roads were jammed. He came to meet me for brunch last Sunday by tube. Don’t quite know what this means. Car for son, tube for me?

3 He is trying to be interested in my work, viz, knowing

He is always doing nice things – a party in France, a rave on Exmoor

a column was in the newspaper, asking about my book.

4 He is always doing nice things: he went to France for a weekend party, slept in a hammock and proudly told me he never once went inside the house. ‘How did you brush your teeth?’ I asked him, shocked. ‘Um.’ He went to a weekend rave on Exmoor. I am the one who never does anything nice. I went to my friend Isobel’s to stay up all night watching Brexit, but had to leave as soon as we’d unpacked the curry to drive through the night to meet Donald Trump in Scotland for work. I didn’t even get past the poppadoms. David told me to ‘Enjoy Manchesah’. If you ever meet me, never tell me to ‘enjoy’ anything. The trip to Manchester took 12 hours, I broke down on the way but I carried on with a flat tyre* – which shredded and was probably illegal – so that I was not late; I now need an entire new wheel. I got to the venue two minutes early. We then all had to wait because the photographer had missed his train connection.

5 He sent me a text about plot twists in Coronation Street. If ever he thinks he is going to miss Coronation Street or The Big Bang Theory (the TV sitcom, not the actual event – although he is probably old enough to have been around for that, too), he panics and whines.

6 He is inviting me to stay in his flat although he has still done nothing to it. There is a degree of arrogance going on here, as he thinks he is so charismatic and interesting that his home has no impact on his attractiveness.

7 I have been absolutely accurate in the above, so note the number of kisses typed by David, the number typed by me. In conclusion, he is the adorer, and I the adoree. * Dear reader who wrote in to say she doesn’t believe my column is true and likened me to a fit person claiming disability benefit. The tyre was attached to the £1,000 car I was allowed by HMRC to buy in order to get to work. It has broken down three times so far and I’ve only had it a few weeks.